OP- look at your subject line. He doesn't get you more than your husband. He is a sweet kid who loves his parents.

You are interpreting this in another way. Which speaks volumes about your relationship with your husband.

God, what will you do with an empty nest?

ThatBetch wrote:Can you people parse the difference between acting in a supportive fashion and being (presumably sole) emotional support? Try. Try really hard.

The kid recognized his parent was nervous and sat close and gave back pats. This isn't miraculous, it's just sweet. Not all adult men know how to do this, or understand that some women find it valuable. In fact, many of them take the problem solver approach instead.

The fact that OP recognizes the kids supportive behavior doesn't mean she relies on his emotional support, or prefers kid's support to husband's.

About the only conclusion you can draw from the post is that perhaps OP would benefit from having a convo w/ her spouse re: what she finds supportive when she's nervous (e.g. "When I'm stressed, I'd like it if you sit close to me and listen quietly. I don't need or want an answer, I just want to know you're there.")

Calm down.

Did you miss the part where OP admits she tells her son it's not his job to support her? Why does OP's son feel like he has to? Sure it could be that he's just a hyper senstive kid, but it could also point to OP needing to manage her emotions better.

Anonymous wrote:My child knows just what to say and when and how to say it, often leaving spouse dumbfounded cause he does not have the same ability or willingness. I was expressing concern about some complications from surgery to spouse very quietly in the other room while they listened. DC came from the other room where he was playing a game on the iPad and walked past spouse and came and hugged me and started ever so gently patting me on the back. He always asks about my day, has a kind word, etc. He is thoughtful and kind with friends too. He is happy, makes friends easily etc. He can also stand up for himself and does it well and with logic and a lot of sense. He leaves me and DH speechless at times with his level of insight and awareness. At other times he's just a 9 yo kid. I have told him repeatedly that his job is to be a child and have fun and not take care of me. His reply is that he wants to take care of me. Thoughts? PS. He is adopted at birth, so he's not got genetics from me or spouse. TIA

1. Am I the only one who read the title and thought this would be about using your child to get a date? Damn dyslexia.


2. While it's nice you have a sweet son, the bold is concerning to me. Why do you feel he is feeling this way?

Can you people parse the difference between acting in a supportive fashion and being (presumably sole) emotional support? Try. Try really hard.

The kid recognized his parent was nervous and sat close and gave back pats. This isn't miraculous, it's just sweet. Not all adult men know how to do this, or understand that some women find it valuable. In fact, many of them take the problem solver approach instead.

The fact that OP recognizes the kids supportive behavior doesn't mean she relies on his emotional support, or prefers kid's support to husband's.

About the only conclusion you can draw from the post is that perhaps OP would benefit from having a convo w/ her spouse re: what she finds supportive when she's nervous (e.g. "When I'm stressed, I'd like it if you sit close to me and listen quietly. I don't need or want an answer, I just want to know you're there.")

Calm down.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT give your children any clue that you rely on them emotionally. It's too much of a burden for a child.

Your 9-year-old doesn't "get" you because he's not an adult. He doesn't get adult needs and problems. Don't project your needs onto him just because he's considerate.

+1

Agreed. Your kid is not your friend or confidant. He's not there to " get you".

This isn't about hiding emotions from kids or any of that nonsense some posters are trying to claim. It's emotionally unhealthy and you need to stop it OP. I think individual and marital counseling is in order here right away before you mess up your kid.

OP here. Please Go Away. You are projecting your own views onto my post. Bugger off. No one said anything about doing all that crap. I am a psychotherapist and am delighted at how empathetic and giving my child is. He is my only child. So I don't know what others might experience. Don't hate if your child isn't this way.

NP Here...

I believe that the PP is making a valid point. I've seen women use their kids as their confidant because the child "gets them." The parent shares all sorts of inappropriate things which put the child is a tough spot. While OP may not have done this yet, its something she should be mindful up. I'm sure OP is the kind of good parent that will surely admit she sees the danger rather than being the sort of bad parent who will not admit that this very real danger does exist. Right?

If you are a psychotherapist you would be supporting healthy boundaries and working on communication with your DH. I've also never heard a therapist say "don't hate."

My aunt had a very weird and unhealthy relationship with her son. He was expected to be the grownup and her confidant. That's an extreme example of course, but comparing your DH to your kid isn't appropriate.

Appropriate: "I'm proud of my son's deep empathy towards me and others."
Not appropriate "My son gets me more than DH."

+1.

If you're trained in psychology then you know that a 9-year-old lacks the emotional and cognitive sophistication to understand an adult. This isn't an opinion. It's neuroscience.

That's kind of sick. Your son is not your emotional support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT give your children any clue that you rely on them emotionally. It's too much of a burden for a child.

Your 9-year-old doesn't "get" you because he's not an adult. He doesn't get adult needs and problems. Don't project your needs onto him just because he's considerate.

+1

Agreed. Your kid is not your friend or confidant. He's not there to " get you".

This isn't about hiding emotions from kids or any of that nonsense some posters are trying to claim. It's emotionally unhealthy and you need to stop it OP. I think individual and marital counseling is in order here right away before you mess up your kid.

OP here. Please Go Away. You are projecting your own views onto my post. Bugger off. No one said anything about doing all that crap. I am a psychotherapist and am delighted at how empathetic and giving my child is. He is my only child. So I don't know what others might experience. Don't hate if your child isn't this way.

NP Here...

I believe that the PP is making a valid point. I've seen women use their kids as their confidant because the child "gets them." The parent shares all sorts of inappropriate things which put the child is a tough spot. While OP may not have done this yet, its something she should be mindful up. I'm sure OP is the kind of good parent that will surely admit she sees the danger rather than being the sort of bad parent who will not admit that this very real danger does exist. Right?

If you are a psychotherapist you would be supporting healthy boundaries and working on communication with your DH. I've also never heard a therapist say "don't hate."

My aunt had a very weird and unhealthy relationship with her son. He was expected to be the grownup and her confidant. That's an extreme example of course, but comparing your DH to your kid isn't appropriate.

Appropriate: "I'm proud of my son's deep empathy towards me and others."
Not appropriate "My son gets me more than DH."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT give your children any clue that you rely on them emotionally. It's too much of a burden for a child.

Your 9-year-old doesn't "get" you because he's not an adult. He doesn't get adult needs and problems. Don't project your needs onto him just because he's considerate.

+1

Agreed. Your kid is not your friend or confidant. He's not there to " get you".

This isn't about hiding emotions from kids or any of that nonsense some posters are trying to claim. It's emotionally unhealthy and you need to stop it OP. I think individual and marital counseling is in order here right away before you mess up your kid.

OP here. Please Go Away. You are projecting your own views onto my post. Bugger off. No one said anything about doing all that crap. I am a psychotherapist and am delighted at how empathetic and giving my child is. He is my only child. So I don't know what others might experience. Don't hate if your child isn't this way.

NP Here...

I believe that the PP is making a valid point. I've seen women use their kids as their confidant because the child "gets them." The parent shares all sorts of inappropriate things which put the child is a tough spot. While OP may not have done this yet, its something she should be mindful up. I'm sure OP is the kind of good parent that will surely admit she sees the danger rather than being the sort of bad parent who will not admit that this very real danger does exist. Right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT give your children any clue that you rely on them emotionally. It's too much of a burden for a child.

Your 9-year-old doesn't "get" you because he's not an adult. He doesn't get adult needs and problems. Don't project your needs onto him just because he's considerate.

+1

Agreed. Your kid is not your friend or confidant. He's not there to " get you".

This isn't about hiding emotions from kids or any of that nonsense some posters are trying to claim. It's emotionally unhealthy and you need to stop it OP. I think individual and marital counseling is in order here right away before you mess up your kid.

OP here. Please Go Away. You are projecting your own views onto my post. Bugger off. No one said anything about doing all that crap. I am a psychotherapist and am delighted at how empathetic and giving my child is. He is my only child. So I don't know what others might experience. Don't hate if your child isn't this way.

I think you negative posters are taking it further then what she wrote. Men in the 30+ range were not really taught to be empathetic. It took me a long time to realize that what my wife really needed from me was support and compassion first - not just fixing whatever problem was being presented.

My son when he was young (and I really think most kids are like this, being more empathetic) wasn't worried about the problem, he just wanted to give her some love when she was stressed. We're animals after all. The dog comes up to me when I'm feeling bad and lays his head on me - is that wrong? How's that any different from a child giving his mother a hug when body language is showing that she is distressed in some fashion?

Men are often taught at a young age to ignore other peoples' emotions and focus on fixing the problem. Children and animals just worry about the emotions. It doesn't surprise me at all that a grown man would have problems relating to his wife's distress and her child doesn't. Don't you all complain about your husbands not being emotionally supportive all the time?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is beautiful.

I think it's sick. The child is not sick of course, he's lovely and empathic. The OP saying that her child gets her more than her husband does is sick. He just has empathy.

Exactly it's one thing to be proud of an empathetic child it's a very different thing to compare it to her husband. One is sweet and healthy the other speaks to boundary issues and marital problems. Op needs to sort things out before she causes real emotional damage to her son.

I think this is beautiful.

I think it's sick. The child is not sick of course, he's lovely and empathic. The OP saying that her child gets her more than her husband does is sick. He just has empathy.

NP here, but why "sick"? I doubt OP meant that her son somehow understands everything about her life and all the adult issues she deals with "better" than her DH. But it seems perfectly possible that an empathetic kid can pick up on things with respect to a loved one that other less empathetic adults do not. Also the kid is 9, not 5. That's certainly old enough to "get" the emotions of one's parents--and pick up on the dynamics between them--regardless of whether those parents articulate those feelings or in any way "lean" on the kid. I certainly did as a kid and I'd hardly call myself an empath!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is beautiful.

I think it's sick. The child is not sick of course, he's lovely and empathic. The OP saying that her child gets her more than her husband does is sick. He just has empathy.

Her son gets everything better than her H, including her. That is not sick, it is good parenting. I hope all our sons are better than the men produced by the previous generation.

Anonymous wrote:I think this is beautiful.

I think it's sick. The child is not sick of course, he's lovely and empathic. The OP saying that her child gets her more than her husband does is sick. He just has empathy.

I think this is beautiful.