As someone who's experienced it before, absolutely not. Regardless of the situation – kids/no kids, type of abuse, duration, financial/social status, support/help, they all don't matter. There are a billion reasons why women (or men for that matter) stay, all of them are legitimate and all of them make leaving REALLY hard. Getting back the agency you lost is REALLY hard. The one being abused is the victim and nothing justifies what is being done to her, whether she "allows it" or not. Victim-blaming makes my blood boil.

That being said, I DO judge myself. Looking back, it was all so obvious and I want to kick myself for not figuring it out earlier. I found my way out too late and I'm ashamed by the marks I've allowed myself to get because of if. It's funny how I'd never tolerate other people telling a victim what I often tell myself. Double standards stemming from the abuse itself, but also from the reactions of my family, I guess. I really internalized their downplaying of what I went through and blaming me for it. Therapy has helped me see it for what it is and it's one more reason why I am so sensitive to others being victim-blamed. It sticks with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge because I have been that woman before.

I understand the depth of despair + the daily fear of living in a real, live nightmare.

Therefore I have zero patience for those that blame the victim.

Zero.

But why did you stay for as long as you did? The first time he hit you or was verbally abusive, why didn't you leave? That's what I don't understand. I'm not trying to start an argument or anything like that but I really want to know why women stay. Yes, I've been hit before by a man that left me deaf in one ear BUT I left after that; all it took was one time.

I'm glad you have the support and resources and ability to do that. Some women don't. Some women have nowhere to go, and no money, and no local family, and have been separated from their friends, and have been so brainwashed and beaten down that they've forgotten their own power. Some women have to think of not only their own escape, but how to protect and provide for children at the same time.

I'm glad it was easy for you. Your experience is not universal.

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge because I have been that woman before.

I understand the depth of despair + the daily fear of living in a real, live nightmare.

Therefore I have zero patience for those that blame the victim.

Zero.

But why did you stay for as long as you did? The first time he hit you or was verbally abusive, why didn't you leave? That's what I don't understand. I'm not trying to start an argument or anything like that but I really want to know why women stay. Yes, I've been hit before by a man that left me deaf in one ear BUT I left after that; all it took was one time.

No, I don't judge, I know what it's like. I left an angry man for a time and realized leaving didn't help much at all. He was still in my life, still screaming at me, still being mean to the kids, and it was worse because I had to hear how about what happened from them instead of seeing it myself. A lawyer told me he would have 50/50 custody unless he beat the kids so bad there was blood. So I'm staying with him because at least I can intervene when he's yelling at the kids. It's not the best situation at all but it's the lesser of two evils.

I don't judge because I have been that woman before.

I understand the depth of despair + the daily fear of living in a real, live nightmare.

Therefore I have zero patience for those that blame the victim.

Zero.

No, because I am not a mouth-breathing cretin. Who does this?!

If someone needs help, help them. If you can't/won't help them, the least you can do is not hurt them.

My sister left her abusive husband over five years ago. Their youngest is just now 11. He got 50/50 custody despite a domestic violence conviction for what he did one night to my sister. He was physically avusive to the eldest child but not prosecuted for it. He continues to be mentally and emotionally abusive to his children. He also just the other day "shoved" his nearly 18 year old during a disagreement. This was in public! If she was 18 she could charge him with assault. But as his minor child, apparently it's all hunky dory for him to do that to her.
He continues to harass my sister, calling when he shouldn't, multiple angry texts practically daily. Drives by her work constantly when he has no reason to be anywhere near it. Shows up early for visitation, returns the kids late.

I know my sister is terrified every single time he has the kids that he won't bring them back, or will harm them. The oldest begged not to be required to go on visitation but the judge would not let her have a choice.

No, I don't judge those who stay. I know why my sister stayed as long as she did-in some ways things are worse now. More volatile, and he gets to take her kids and do whatever and she can't stop him or be there to protect them. It's awful.

No.

I know abuse can be insidious and subtle at first, and so isolating that in the end the victim doesn't know north from south. It's very sad.

What I do judge is the steps people take to protect their loves ones from abuse.

I judge women who allow their husbands/boyfriends to abuse their children.

No, I don't judge women who have been in abusive relationships. I just won't date them.

Anonymous wrote:

It's not that the victim wants to stay with someone who is bashing your face in. It's that their spouse could try to perpetrate the violence even after they leave and especially if kids are involved it's a hard risk to take.

Sometimes the abuse is not physical and then it's harder for the victim to discern whether there actually is abuse. I am potentially in this situation- my husband has a horrible anger problem and when he lashed out it's really nasty- he has called me and the kids "stupid" and told us to shut up. But there is also the side of him that is tender and loving and I know that he definitely loves the kids with all his heart. It's really hard to leave a situation when there are signs that it could potentially be better.

Bottom line- don't be so judgy.

This. It's why I hate it when people minimize verbal/emotional abuse. I had a BF in grad school who with manic depression, and he was extremely verbally/emotionally abusive. I often chalked it up to his disease (and maybe they were related), but it didn't make it less abusive. I didn't see what was going on, though, until the first time he became physical. That very quickly gave me the impetus to leave the relationship, but if we had been more involved (married or kids), I think it would've been much harder. As it was, I still had trouble letting him go entirely, and remained in a close friendship with him. It was all so very unhealthy in retrospect, and I didn't really disentangle until I left the area altogether.

All of that said, I get very frustrated when I see people making these harmful decisions about their lives. I don't know how to make leaving easier for people, but I wish it were.

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge. I've seen how it can creep up and eat away at a person's strength and self-esteem. The brainwashing aspect is very strong.

I also don't judge when there are kids involved. It's often more complicated than you know from the outside. Financial issues are a huge deal, and a whole lot of abused parents stay put because they know it would hurt the kids much more if the kids were left alone with the abusive/BPD/whatever parent half the time, as custody often goes. Not to mention the kind of people and future turbulent relationships the abusive/BPD ex-spouse will be exposing the kids to.

+1. I've been in an abusive relationship (thank god, did not have kids with the guy). The abuser isolates the victim from any potential support and brainwashing is a big part of the dynamic. Makes it hard to get help and get out. Thank God I did. It's not nearly as straightforward to leave as others make it out to be.

I was in an abusive relationship in college. I don't judge when kids are involved because it's far more complicated and I can understand the "I'd rather be in an abusive situation than let him have custody 50% of the time and I won't know what he's saying/doing to the kids".

I am a lot more judgy of women without kids. Sometimes though I think it's just deep down I'm still angry at myself for letting the relationship go on as long as it did therefore I judge others for doing the same.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's something I don't understand.

How you can continue to stay with someone who bashes your face in every week is just very odd to me. On the same token, I've known some women that were being abused yet they would get upset when they knew someone else being abused. (ie. friend A is getting punched, etc then she finds out friend B is literally in the same boat yet she's urging friend B to leave her abuser while friend A continues to stay)

It's not that the victim wants to stay with someone who is bashing your face in. It's that their spouse could try to perpetrate the violence even after they leave and especially if kids are involved it's a hard risk to take.

Sometimes the abuse is not physical and then it's harder for the victim to discern whether there actually is abuse. I am potentially in this situation- my husband has a horrible anger problem and when he lashed out it's really nasty- he has called me and the kids "stupid" and told us to shut up. But there is also the side of him that is tender and loving and I know that he definitely loves the kids with all his heart. It's really hard to leave a situation when there are signs that it could potentially be better.

Bottom line- don't be so judgy.

Yes, it's something I don't understand.

How you can continue to stay with someone who bashes your face in every week is just very odd to me. On the same token, I've known some women that were being abused yet they would get upset when they knew someone else being abused. (ie. friend A is getting punched, etc then she finds out friend B is literally in the same boat yet she's urging friend B to leave her abuser while friend A continues to stay)