Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be offended too. Keep it breezy but take note - these are not the people you should consider friends (or even friendly).

What??? Why can't friends ask about your life? I wouldn't be offended by this.

I'm also a single mom, and I find it mind boggling and offensive when people ask if I'm receiving child support, and follow up with how much it is.....

If they were actually friends, they would already know the story. These are FB friends, aka people she's barely in touch with. And the questions are inappropriate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be offended too. Keep it breezy but take note - these are not the people you should consider friends (or even friendly).

What??? Why can't friends ask about your life? I wouldn't be offended by this.

I'm also a single mom, and I find it mind boggling and offensive when people ask if I'm receiving child support, and follow up with how much it is.....

If they were close enough to be considered true "friends," they would know the backstory. OP is always free to fill in distant friends or acquaintances. It is totally inappropriate to ask "so, where's dad?" Just...no.

Carolyn Hax rarely has good advice for the real world.

I actually like, "is there a reason you need to know anything else?" Carolyn Hax suggests, "wow. That's a really personal question."

I am pregnant now with a donor egg baby after a long infertility struggle and lots of treatment. I've just started telling people that I'm pregnant, and I'm shocked when people ask if I "had to" use donor eggs. Not their business. Sometimes I say, "you know what? I am so thrilled to finally be pregnant and expecting this child I've wanted so much -- I'd really like to just celebrate that." (Which is an answer to their question, but I feel like draws a boundary that tells them it's really none of their business.) to my complete shock, one or two people have pushed right past that and said something like "oh yeh, let's definitely celebrate but I'm just curious if you used donor eggs." I am shocked at how much some people think they are entitled to answers about whatever they are curious about.

I think the lesson is that people will ask intrusive questions. It's good to have stock answers.

Anonymous wrote:When one of my friends is pregnant and not in a serious relationship, I am curious - did she seek out a donor and organize this herself, or was it a surprise pregnancy? I'm curious, but I bite my tongue.

Some people don't know when to zip it. The people asking you this question are probably just as socially awkward with other subjects - I doubt it's specific to your single motherhood, any more so than all motherhood seems to be open to scrutiny.

Does it matter? Just support her emotionally --she need it either way-- and spoil the new baby so rotten it's embarrassing.

When one of my friends is pregnant and not in a serious relationship, I am curious - did she seek out a donor and organize this herself, or was it a surprise pregnancy? I'm curious, but I bite my tongue.

Some people don't know when to zip it. The people asking you this question are probably just as socially awkward with other subjects - I doubt it's specific to your single motherhood, any more so than all motherhood seems to be open to scrutiny.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have lots of friends around the country from various stages of life; school, training, etc. Four years ago I became a single mom. The pregnancy was unplanned but welcomed, I have a calm/reasonable relationship with my daughter's dad (although we're not together and he's unfortunately largely uninvolved, at his choice). My daughter and I do very well, I have a large, involved family and our lives are happy and drama-free. What I've noticed is that when these friends from my past (many of whom I haven't spoken to in several years) reach out to me on facebook or whatever, often the very first thing they want to know is my parenting status. Am I doing this solo? How involved is the Dad? What's the story?

I'm a single mom to Larla. Is there a reason you need to know anything else?

I've found that often when asked rude or intrusive questions, politely asking this question will often highlight to the person asking how rude it is to ask. They usually will back out with "No, not really," which is a good excuse to change the subject to something better to discuss. "So, did you hear about..."

I'm sure they change the subject to "Oh my gosh, look at the time, I've' got to run!" as they back away from you and then stop responding to your texts adn posts. What absurd advice, PP. Who lives like this?

Anonymous wrote:I have lots of friends around the country from various stages of life; school, training, etc. Four years ago I became a single mom. The pregnancy was unplanned but welcomed, I have a calm/reasonable relationship with my daughter's dad (although we're not together and he's unfortunately largely uninvolved, at his choice). My daughter and I do very well, I have a large, involved family and our lives are happy and drama-free. What I've noticed is that when these friends from my past (many of whom I haven't spoken to in several years) reach out to me on facebook or whatever, often the very first thing they want to know is my parenting status. Am I doing this solo? How involved is the Dad? What's the story?

I'm a single mom to Larla. Is there a reason you need to know anything else?

I've found that often when asked rude or intrusive questions, politely asking this question will often highlight to the person asking how rude it is to ask. They usually will back out with "No, not really," which is a good excuse to change the subject to something better to discuss. "So, did you hear about..."

Anonymous wrote:I would be offended too. Keep it breezy but take note - these are not the people you should consider friends (or even friendly).

What??? Why can't friends ask about your life? I wouldn't be offended by this.

I'm also a single mom, and I find it mind boggling and offensive when people ask if I'm receiving child support, and follow up with how much it is.....

People who know and care about you - old friends from the past - are curious to know what has been going on in your life. I think that you're jumping to conclusions that they are looking to judge you for being a single mom. But unless the father of your child is really the Big Elephant in the room that no one talks about (Ever! Gasp!!) the question is a fairly harmless, catching up with you type of question.

I think you are over thinking this. Lots of women are single moms for lots of different reasons....people know that.

I'm a single mom also. Stop overthinking it. You will know the people who are judging you about it, truly. Maybe some of them are also single parents who want to welcome you to their club. As a single parent, you will be wanting other people around and frankly, other single parents are the best because they get it. Mostly, though, they're just curious.

You don't owe anyone the long drawn out story. But you need to own it yourself. If you feel "less than" that will color your interpretation of everyone else's actions.

All I ever said was "I was getting old, so I decided to do it on my own". Never heard anything negative back. The only response I did consistently get was from single women in their 50s and 60s who said "I wish I had had the courage to do what you did."

If you look for offense you will find it, but that just makes you sad. Why do that to yourself?

I'm angry on your behalf, 0P. I do think people are just curious, but it makes me angry that so many people think it's OK to ask anything that they are curious about. And it's not just a Facebook problem -- it's just what people do. when I got divorced, the first question most people asked was, "was he cheating?" Not "are you ok?" A friend's brother died by suicide. Lots of people asked her how he killed himself. Why does that matter? All that should matter is what you can do to support her. Therefore I don't think it's conern or caring that motivates people to ask. I think it's nosy curiousity. I'm sorry you're running into that. Unfortunately I think it's just a thing people do. It's not personal to you at all. The people asking those questions do it to everyone!

It is easy to answer a post or email on social media by ignoring the questions you don't want to answer. "Yeah, I can't believe Larla is going into pre-k next year. Time really does fly. We're doing great. How are your kids doing? It looks like they are both big into sports." Etc. Only a real jerk would ask personal questions again after that response.

I hear your frustration! While social media has its benefits, it has its downfalls too! People seem very willing to share and ask lots of private information that they might not share or ask if they were face to face. It's easier to type and hit SEND and not even think about what you just said or asked! There is something to be said about letter writing, you have to think!!! LOL

You should be proud of yourself for pulling off a really challenging job! Single parenting is a tough road and it sounds like you and your daughter are doing really well! We all have our right to privacy. You do not need to share intimate details about your life, that is your choice. We might have closer friends who we share our daily ups and downs with, our private feelings, etc. but these are usually those we interact with regularly. Since these are Facebook friends, it is understandable that you do not want to answer questions that may not be appropriate to be asking on Facebook, if at all. We all have places inside our souls that we consider sacred and only share when we are assured of the trust of the recipient. We also have to be careful about those who are "concerned" verses "curious" as there is a big difference. We do not need to give information to those are are "curious" as that is usually what fuels gossip and misunderstanding. We all know who in our lives are genuinely "concerned". So while there is probably not "malintent", you still have the right to not answer.

On another note, I am sorry about DD's dad not being more involved. You are doing the right thing in keeping him posted about her life. Don't stop trying, it may change one day. Your daughter will appreciate your efforts one day no matter what the outcome. You really sound like a loving and sensitive Mom!

Hope this helps.

OP back, these are great replies. Thank you! Really helps to be reminded that there's lots of us raising children in circumstances that are not traditional in the old-fashioned sense, but stable and loving all the same. Going to work on my sense of self-confidence as well; I think that will help what I put out into the world (and in turn shape the response I get).