My DD's friend can't do much outside of school because her parents work a ton and there is a bit of a language issue/cultural difference. But they are very friendly with us and try to do as much as they can for their DD. We try to help as much as we can but don't want to overdo it and potentially make them uncomfortable.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I have to agree with the pp. I'm an African American middle-class parent of a toddler. I'm comfortable in all settings. Yet I sometimes get the impression that some of the white families don't even try to strike up a conversation with me and my husband. My husband and I were just speaking about this the other day. Is there really such a cultural divide? I've traveled all over the world and think I have lots to say about many topics, but often find if I don't initiate the conversation it doesn't happen. Very interesting.

I fit the same demographic. These are folks' presumptions at work. It's a shame but I just open the conversation myself so that people are comfortable.

Interestingly, we have playdates with the neighborhood kids, but my kid has rarely been invited to the birthday parties of any OOB kids--I think just once this past school year. And definitely no playdates. I'm guessing that many DC families already have a tight network, and 'playdates' aren't as much of a thing for them.

Anonymous wrote:We didn't go to other kids' birthday parties when we were young because we didn't have the money to buy a present.

Same. Or I was too embarassed about the gift I could afford vs what the other kids gave. Hated when kids opened their presents at the party in front of everyone.

It's hard for many of us to appreciate the logistical challenges that come with parties/playdates if you're from a lower SES background. Parents may work on the weekends, so it's grandma/auntie/older sibling watching your kid's bff. If they aren't working, there may be other siblings in the home with no one to watch after them while mom takes kid to a playdate. If your party is at a venue, the family may not have a car to get there. If the parents aren't a couple, the kids may spend the weekend with their dad who lives across town. Not a logistical challenge, but some parents are already part of a tight-knit community here in DC they've known their entire lives and aren't interested in dealing with people they don't know. If you're willing to put in extra effort (offering to pick the child up, invite the entire family), the first few reasons can be worked around.

Its cultural, and economic. I am a white high SES person, I have the time and energy to organize play dates and worry about "socialization" for my 4 year old. The majoirty of her classmates are from spanish speaking families. The families parents don't know enough english to respond to emails or phone calls. The parents also work multiple jobs at odd hours and aren't around for play dates. Latino families also tend to play with cousins in the extended family on weekends or after school. The AA in the school are primarily very low income and the mom's are NOT friendly to what as seen as the gentrifier element in the school. I also personally witness the moms screaming at their kids, using expletives on the playground in front of their kids etc. If thats how they act in public, no way am I sendng my kid to their house. I also won't send my kid over to public housing to play. All of this is troubling but its just a reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn't go to other kids' birthday parties when we were young because we didn't have the money to buy a present.

Seriously? I was dirt poor and we just bought a softcover book or regifted one of our birthday presents. We didn't decline the invite.

Great! We did not do that. We also did not have birthday parties ourselves so we certainly didn't have our own presents to regift.

If you were "dirt poor" you were certainly poorer than us, because we went to a private school! But that's where all our money went and there was no extra for frills like birthdays. My parents were proud and we're just not up to navigating the social scene with the wealthier people we went to school with, so we just didn't.

I have had issues with this issue in DC that I never saw in New York. People here do seem to self-segregate. It's a shame. However, I also don't really care. My children have friends, they play with their friends. I invite their friends over for playdates. The parents come, we may not have a lot of common experiences; but that means we have things to talk about, sharing experiences that we don't have in common. Or just talking about our kids and their school. It's not that hard, really. The fact that some people here are so resistant to "mixing" with anyone outside of their perceived class is just a sign of their own social insecurity.

Anonymous wrote:My son has three BFFs. One is higher SES on average, one similar, and one below. Our son is of mixed heritage (Asian/White), 2 BFFs are white, one is AA. I love their friendship and that they all love each other, but I do get uncomfortable knowing that the lower SES child is always missing from bday parties. I don't think the child is excluded but rather I think the mother would feel out of place. I can relate, knowing that most parents are white and I am not, but I just can't understand how you make it such a big deal that you hold back your kid from celebrating outside of school with his buddies. That's what the big girl panties are for. As a minority, I know that it's hard to be odd man out, but put on a smile, realize people want to get to know you, and your kid loves his friends! Encourage it, my God, and hope the hostess offers you something tasty.

PP directly below you. I don't know that your kid's friend's mom is skipping parties because she'd feel out of place. It's possible that she just has other stuff to do. I agree that people should generally go to birthday parties though.

We are going into year 3 of our Title 1 neighborhood school and have dealt with the birthday party issue for 3 years in a row (were at a different but similar demographic school for PK3). I posted about a year and a half ago about how to bridge language/cultural issues to get my DD's best friend to come to her birthday party. BFF is Latina and her mom doesn't speak English confidently. I got a lot of great advice here, and BFF came to the birthday party and it was wonderful. BFF came to birthday party this year too, and mom and I see each other in the neighborhood regularly and she always hugs me.

What I have noticed is that when your kids are young, it doesn't matter if you know the kid. If you do not also know the parent, you may need to enlist the help of the teacher to set up playdates and such. I volunteer in DD's classroom all the time, and by the end of this past year, I knew every kid in her class pretty well, but I only knew about half the parents. You have to make an effort, and you have to do it continually. My school has a history of higher SES white parents coming to school for a year or two and then trading up, and to put it bluntly, the rest of the community knows that and may not be interested in bothering to make friends with you because you're just gonna leave anyway. The only way to prove them wrong is to not do that, which was the choice we made.

The people who are saying that they don't feel they have things in common with their kids' friends' parents are certainly onto something, but I would imagine that most of you have experienced social interactions with people you share little with. How did you handle those experiences? If you're worried about what they think of you, remember that they are likely just as worried about being judged. Then remember that you are both the parents of kids, and start there. My two BFFs at Clara's school are young women whose lives couldn't be more different than mine. Was it awkward at first because we come from really different worlds? Yes, but it got less awkward the more we hung out. Now those two women are, hands down, the people I would call in the middle of the night with an emergency - probably over my higher SES friends.

About birthday parties: it's easier (for them) if you invite the whole family. My DD's BFF is one of 3, and all 3 have come to her birthday parties. If your child goes to a school where a lot of kids speak Spanish, get some help translating the invitation. Don't use Evite - send paper invitations home with kids and enlist the teacher's help with contact information if you need to track down RSVPs. This year, we did RSVP as "call or text English o Espanol to xxx-xxx-xxxx!"

My son has three BFFs. One is higher SES on average, one similar, and one below. Our son is of mixed heritage (Asian/White), 2 BFFs are white, one is AA. I love their friendship and that they all love each other, but I do get uncomfortable knowing that the lower SES child is always missing from bday parties. I don't think the child is excluded but rather I think the mother would feel out of place. I can relate, knowing that most parents are white and I am not, but I just can't understand how you make it such a big deal that you hold back your kid from celebrating outside of school with his buddies. That's what the big girl panties are for. As a minority, I know that it's hard to be odd man out, but put on a smile, realize people want to get to know you, and your kid loves his friends! Encourage it, my God, and hope the hostess offers you something tasty.

Anonymous wrote:Adults who are expected to patiently attend a child's birthday party and socialize with people they barely know while observing bouncy castles, etc. should be offered food and an adult beverage. It's called civilization.

+1,000

Anonymous wrote:We didn't go to other kids' birthday parties when we were young because we didn't have the money to buy a present.

Seriously? I was dirt poor and we just bought a softcover book or regifted one of our birthday presents. We didn't decline the invite.

We didn't go to other kids' birthday parties when we were young because we didn't have the money to buy a present.

Anonymous wrote:Count your blessings, I held a party and 1/2 the parents who showed up were expecting a full party for them too. After treating snacks and appetizers as a meal they started eating the kids food. One even opened some of the gift bags to pull out some of the candy and another followed suit when I only passively stopped her.

The groups inherent class was perfectly split up by the classes. Some Basic separation of the SES is a natural and necessary part of society based on commonality. Just like at work and everything else that is results based, people clump together based on similar interests, values and station instead of some idealistic notion that we can all be friends.

I'm confused, you had a birthday party and didn't provide food for the adults?

Sounds like the class issue is yours. I have a HHI of 400K and I might have been scrounging for food too.

Anonymous wrote:Its cause they don't have stars on thars.

Ha! I just read this book with my kid tonight.