Anonymous wrote:You are 27. Act like an adult and don't be around her.

+1 You're 27 and in her home. You're basically taking complete advantage of your mother for a free place to crash, admitting you cannot stand her. Go to a hotel or stay at a friend's house if she's that bad. Why do you think you get to stay at mom's house for free but she cannot talk to you as if she's your mom? Personally, you sound nuts to tell your mother to keep her opinion to herself over something as benign and stupid as wasted calories in iced tea. I guess tone of voice is everything, but you could have said, "Oh, sorry, I didn't see that sitting there" and gone upstairs without the drama. I get she raised you, but you need to learn how to act too. I would not want a house guest like that in my house, where I pay the bills, utilities and groceries. You are not her equal. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure OP is leaving out some pertinent details about all sorts of infuriating crap that she does herself that her Mom has to endure. And that her mom hit her when she was 14 (OP calls it a punch it may have been a hard slap and she may have deserved it). That said assuming OP has done nothing else to antagonize her mom, yeah, she should couch surf elsewhere.

Victim blaming at its finest.

I'm sure OP is leaving out some pertinent details about all sorts of infuriating crap that she does herself that her Mom has to endure. And that her mom hit her when she was 14 (OP calls it a punch it may have been a hard slap and she may have deserved it). That said assuming OP has done nothing else to antagonize her mom, yeah, she should couch surf elsewhere.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I expected some people to be nice and some to be harsh so not a big deal. I'm in therapy and have been for about 4 months now and it's helped a lot. My therapist thinks my mom is bipolar but obviously he can't say for sure unless he were to meet her and see for himself. My dad knows my mom has issues and he's on the verge of divorcing her. He uses me as his personal therapist when she's not around to constantly complain to me about how she's such a bitch to him, treats him like shit, etc. I have a younger sibling who is 15 and I think he's waiting until she's out of school to divorce my mom even though my sister flat out told me and my dad that she's been wishing they'd get divorced since she was in 4th grade since all they do is fight.

As to why I even moved in to begin with- she travels a TON for work. She's gone anywhere from 2-5 days a week, traveling out of state so I honestly thought it wouldn't be a huge deal as she wouldn't be around a lot and if she was, she doesn't get home until 7pm and I could just go to my bedroom and not be around her. However, this last week she's been home a lot as she has a break from work and we were actually getting along wonderfully up until Monday night when she just snapped. I was NOT looking for a fight with her at all as i know where it leads to when it does happen. I tried my hardest to not cave in and say anything but it's a bit hard when you are being attacked. I won't stand for being punched and I had to push her off me. I've been out of the house at 9am every day and don't get home until 6pm. I come home, make myself dinner and head straight upstairs before she gets home so we have minimal contact. I went to my friends house Monday night when it happened but she's married with a 6 month old so I'm not going to "crash" there for another 2 weeks. I just have to make it through today, Thursday and Friday and then I'll be gone until Tuesday night and once I'm back, I only have 3 days left.

This will continue to happen with her or anyone else unbalanced in your life. You think "if I only do this, stay out of her way, don't push her buttons, etc, then I will be fine." It's not true. It's never true. Crazy always comes back. Ten years from now, you may think it's all ok and she's better now, but unless she's on major medications or has undergone a lobotomy, the crazy will still rear its head. Good luck to you.

OP, you aren't going to get helpful suggestions or a sympathetic ear from the clueless bitches on DCUM. The hardest thing most of them have had in their lives is some barista getting their order for pumpkin spice latte wrong.

Try the Raised by Narcissists subreddit on Reddit.com. It will be both helpful and supportive.

Anonymous wrote:OP, not sure if you expected sympathy or what, but I agree with the others. First, why on earth are you still there? Couch surf until you leave. Secondly, and this is what I don't think you see, is that you are just as much at fault for this one as your mom is.

Saying "obviously I didn't it on purpose" was YOU knowingly starting something. You already know she's a hot mess. You should have just said, "sorry. I'll move it now" and hurried upstairs.
Then, saying, "I'm 27 and don't need you to tell me what I can and can't drink" again. Seriously? you're engaging with someone with a problem and you're pouring salt into it.

Take responsibility for your part in this and move out now!!!

No, no, no.... OP didn't punch her mom. Her mom punched OP. OP's mom is an abuser.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I expected some people to be nice and some to be harsh so not a big deal. I'm in therapy and have been for about 4 months now and it's helped a lot. My therapist thinks my mom is bipolar but obviously he can't say for sure unless he were to meet her and see for himself. My dad knows my mom has issues and he's on the verge of divorcing her. He uses me as his personal therapist when she's not around to constantly complain to me about how she's such a bitch to him, treats him like shit, etc. I have a younger sibling who is 15 and I think he's waiting until she's out of school to divorce my mom even though my sister flat out told me and my dad that she's been wishing they'd get divorced since she was in 4th grade since all they do is fight.

As to why I even moved in to begin with- she travels a TON for work. She's gone anywhere from 2-5 days a week, traveling out of state so I honestly thought it wouldn't be a huge deal as she wouldn't be around a lot and if she was, she doesn't get home until 7pm and I could just go to my bedroom and not be around her. However, this last week she's been home a lot as she has a break from work and we were actually getting along wonderfully up until Monday night when she just snapped. I was NOT looking for a fight with her at all as i know where it leads to when it does happen. I tried my hardest to not cave in and say anything but it's a bit hard when you are being attacked. I won't stand for being punched and I had to push her off me. I've been out of the house at 9am every day and don't get home until 6pm. I come home, make myself dinner and head straight upstairs before she gets home so we have minimal contact. I went to my friends house Monday night when it happened but she's married with a 6 month old so I'm not going to "crash" there for another 2 weeks. I just have to make it through today, Thursday and Friday and then I'll be gone until Tuesday night and once I'm back, I only have 3 days left.

Well you didn't try too hard since you started off the conversation with her with a very snarky comment.

Unfortunately, OP you are going to carry this same behavior of your's into your other relationships.

If you really don't want to fight with her, then don't. Making snarky comments is guaranteed to set her off. You know that so stop doing it.

It sounds as if she can't help herself, which means that unless medication exists for her disorder, AND she's willing to take it regularly, she'll die alone and unmourned.
Mental illness SUCKS, for the patient as well as their family members.
Also please realize that you are at higher risk of developing whatever she has, and your children will have a higher risk as well. The best way to prevent this is by choosing a mate with a clean family history in the mental health department.

Good luck with everything, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most people have at least one person in his/her lives who are just bad for them. Some of us have had friends we stopped talking to because their presence brings us down and worse, brings out the worst in us. I've come to the conclusion that this is the truth about my relationship with my own parents. A few years ago I realized that talking with them for longer than 10 mins on the phone or even in person just results in negative conversations that are nothing but massive wastes of time. I would be one of those people who would end up in an hour-plus phone call with both of them on the phone yelling at me about my need to do this, do that, etc. Do I really need to open myself up to yet another argument about XYZ? NO WAY!

At one point I said, "wow," an hour went by that I could have spent reading a book, enjoying a cup of coffee at the nice cafe down the block, talking to a good friend, cleaning the bathroom, whatever. So many say, but but but they're your parents, you'll miss then when they're gone. Yeah, ok, however, if you walk away from interactions with them feeling worse about yourself or life in general, who cares who they are?

Get out of the house ASAP. This sounds like something that's been going on forever and it's not going to change. Focus on your move, your life, how you want to spend your time.

Op here- thank you, I really appreciate this as it's exactly how I feel. 99% of the time, talking to her just makes me feel like shit about myself and I wonder why I even bother. I've been wanting to completely cut her off for years now but just never did it. We'd been getting along well lately but most likely because I've been doing so much for her that she's had nothing to complain about (cleaning the house, grocery shopping, making dinner for everyone, etc.). I'm just ready to give up and realize we will never have a healthy relationship.
I'm in a happy, long term relationship with a great guy and we are starting a future together in 2 weeks and moving to a new state together to start a new chapter in our lives and I think now is a good time for me to just cut her off.

PP here. I'm in my early 40s and if your mom is set in her ways, it will not get any better (and once you have a husband and kids, watch out). She behaves that way because it works for her; no one ever corrected her, or, in my family's case, my own father is afraid of her and lets her call all of the shots. It's easier to let her be boss than push back.

In my case, my mother now plays victim-- she's just the poor loving, misunderstood grandma who isn't appreciated and just means well.

Take a look at your mother's other relationships with friends, other family members, and coworkers. In my case, after I did this myself, it was quite eye-opening.

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Also, next time, try to extend your lease if at all possible. People will often negotiate with you if there's not a new tenant moving in immediately. Sounds like you knew things wouldn't go well with your mom. Be more strategic next time.

Op here- I actually tried to but my landlord was selling the house so there was no way she could. Trust me, I really tried.

Anonymous wrote:OP, most people have at least one person in his/her lives who are just bad for them. Some of us have had friends we stopped talking to because their presence brings us down and worse, brings out the worst in us. I've come to the conclusion that this is the truth about my relationship with my own parents. A few years ago I realized that talking with them for longer than 10 mins on the phone or even in person just results in negative conversations that are nothing but massive wastes of time. I would be one of those people who would end up in an hour-plus phone call with both of them on the phone yelling at me about my need to do this, do that, etc. Do I really need to open myself up to yet another argument about XYZ? NO WAY!

At one point I said, "wow," an hour went by that I could have spent reading a book, enjoying a cup of coffee at the nice cafe down the block, talking to a good friend, cleaning the bathroom, whatever. So many say, but but but they're your parents, you'll miss then when they're gone. Yeah, ok, however, if you walk away from interactions with them feeling worse about yourself or life in general, who cares who they are?

Get out of the house ASAP. This sounds like something that's been going on forever and it's not going to change. Focus on your move, your life, how you want to spend your time.

Op here- thank you, I really appreciate this as it's exactly how I feel. 99% of the time, talking to her just makes me feel like shit about myself and I wonder why I even bother. I've been wanting to completely cut her off for years now but just never did it. We'd been getting along well lately but most likely because I've been doing so much for her that she's had nothing to complain about (cleaning the house, grocery shopping, making dinner for everyone, etc.). I'm just ready to give up and realize we will never have a healthy relationship.
I'm in a happy, long term relationship with a great guy and we are starting a future together in 2 weeks and moving to a new state together to start a new chapter in our lives and I think now is a good time for me to just cut her off.

Next time, kill her with kindness. Flip the script. Blow her mind. It drove my drama mama crazy when I retreated into politeness. She would mock me for saying "thank you" or whatever. But I showed her I wouldn't degrade myself, wouldn't rise to the bait.

I found a way to win.

It didn't always work because, yes, sometimes you're just so tired of the craziness and the bullying. Keep your head high and count the hours. You'll be out of there before you know it.

They say, "a clear conscience is the softest pillow," OP. Do right by her for these final days---and right for yourself by not engaging---and you'll sleep so well.

Wishing you peace and safety.

PP here. Also, next time, try to extend your lease if at all possible. People will often negotiate with you if there's not a new tenant moving in immediately. Sounds like you knew things wouldn't go well with your mom. Be more strategic next time.

OP, most people have at least one person in his/her lives who are just bad for them. Some of us have had friends we stopped talking to because their presence brings us down and worse, brings out the worst in us. I've come to the conclusion that this is the truth about my relationship with my own parents. A few years ago I realized that talking with them for longer than 10 mins on the phone or even in person just results in negative conversations that are nothing but massive wastes of time. I would be one of those people who would end up in an hour-plus phone call with both of them on the phone yelling at me about my need to do this, do that, etc. Do I really need to open myself up to yet another argument about XYZ? NO WAY!

At one point I said, "wow," an hour went by that I could have spent reading a book, enjoying a cup of coffee at the nice cafe down the block, talking to a good friend, cleaning the bathroom, whatever. So many say, but but but they're your parents, you'll miss then when they're gone. Yeah, ok, however, if you walk away from interactions with them feeling worse about yourself or life in general, who cares who they are?

Get out of the house ASAP. This sounds like something that's been going on forever and it's not going to change. Focus on your move, your life, how you want to spend your time.

OP here: I expected some people to be nice and some to be harsh so not a big deal. I'm in therapy and have been for about 4 months now and it's helped a lot. My therapist thinks my mom is bipolar but obviously he can't say for sure unless he were to meet her and see for himself. My dad knows my mom has issues and he's on the verge of divorcing her. He uses me as his personal therapist when she's not around to constantly complain to me about how she's such a bitch to him, treats him like shit, etc. I have a younger sibling who is 15 and I think he's waiting until she's out of school to divorce my mom even though my sister flat out told me and my dad that she's been wishing they'd get divorced since she was in 4th grade since all they do is fight.

As to why I even moved in to begin with- she travels a TON for work. She's gone anywhere from 2-5 days a week, traveling out of state so I honestly thought it wouldn't be a huge deal as she wouldn't be around a lot and if she was, she doesn't get home until 7pm and I could just go to my bedroom and not be around her. However, this last week she's been home a lot as she has a break from work and we were actually getting along wonderfully up until Monday night when she just snapped. I was NOT looking for a fight with her at all as i know where it leads to when it does happen. I tried my hardest to not cave in and say anything but it's a bit hard when you are being attacked. I won't stand for being punched and I had to push her off me. I've been out of the house at 9am every day and don't get home until 6pm. I come home, make myself dinner and head straight upstairs before she gets home so we have minimal contact. I went to my friends house Monday night when it happened but she's married with a 6 month old so I'm not going to "crash" there for another 2 weeks. I just have to make it through today, Thursday and Friday and then I'll be gone until Tuesday night and once I'm back, I only have 3 days left.