Only your mother will want to take care of YOU as much as the baby and will understand what you are going through. I had my mom first and then my MIL and then my sister, which was the perfect progression of help and me getting my independence back. I was lucky, I know, but if you have the help available, take it.

For subsequent babies, I would have taken help from anyone off the street -- I knew what I was doing and just needed more hands and time to keep the other kids afloat.

Anonymous wrote:Related question:

For people who just had Mom come, did MIL get jealous? Did both want to come but you chose one? I feel like I might be in this position soon.

Pregnant mom here- this is what I'm worried about! My parents are renting an apartment for the first 6 months (they just moved into it) whereas my inlaws are still working and live several hours away. Inlaws are asking us when we're coming up to visit them with the new baby and how often, but I don't think we'll want to travel with the baby and I feel bad leaving my parents who really are going to be helping us so much.

Anonymous wrote:I was one of the first PPs here, and, reading all these responses, it seems that one of the key variables is your spouse's availability. I was the one whose mom came after 11 days, and, now that I think about it, my husband went back to work after 7 days. No wonder I wanted my mom by 11 days! (FTR, my husband took six weeks of paternity leave after my maternity leave.) I do think that if you and your spouse are taking extended simultaneous leaves, having your mom there as well might get a little crowded. But assuming one of you has to go back to work, that seems like a great time for back up to arrive!

My husband was with us and I still wanted my mom. My husband was not an experienced parent, he had no idea how to breastfeed, he didn't have an arsenal of baby calming techniques, he was not good at spotting the laundry/dishes/etc. that needed to be done and he was just as sleep deprived as I was!

Related question:

For people who just had Mom come, did MIL get jealous? Did both want to come but you chose one? I feel like I might be in this position soon.

Hi OP, I think your mom coming after the two weeks or so sounds great. I love my mom, we're very close and she is the type to be really helpful and not at all an imposition, but I really valued having the first couple weeks for me and DH to be with the baby without anyone else. My parents live in DC so they met the baby in the hospital, but I don't think they visited for until we had been back for for home for at least a week and a half, and even they they just dropped off some dinner and groceries, cooed over the baby, and took off.

My DH also took four weeks off so that really helped. It sounds like your mom subletting a nearby place on her own means that she really does want to be helpful and not a burden to you, and that she will be here when you want her to be, and give you space when you(and she probably!) need it.

Wow she's offering to pay for herself to sublet for two months? That is a DREAM. Means she will have her own space but will be there if/when you need her. I'd never have my mom (or anyone) stay with us for two months. But to have her in an apartment near by? Wow that would be such an awesome luxury.

I probably don't count as having an input because I just had my third child... But, I liked being alone with just husband, baby and other children. It allowed us all to bond and figure out a routine together. It also let us get over the initial sleep deprived shock. The first week we are always snappy with one another until we get into the routine of who takes care of what and when.

My sister is the same way as you OP. Had my mom on stand by, but didn't want her there at the birth. The minute that baby was born she was asking her to get on a plane. She'd had a really difficult birth which required a trip to the OR for her. Which left her DH in the weird position of being alone in the room with a minutes old baby feeling woefully unsupported. It all worked out fine (it turns out newborns just really need to be fed and warm haha) but my mother was there by that evening. And they asked her to stay for 2 weeks. And my sister cried when she left and asked to come back ASAP.

If your mother is generally respectful of boundaries I'd ask her to come. Even just having someone come over for 2 hours every day is a wonderful gift. She doesn't need to be there sun up to sun down (unless you want that) but for a visit daily it can be a god send. I am local to my mother and just knowing she'd come over every day was sometimes a wonderful life line to the outside world.

Lastly, no one loves your baby the way your own mother will. No one. No friend, no neighbor, no one else will love that child the same fierce way you do except your own family (and your DH's too). It's really a marvel how that can bring people together. (this assumes healthy relationships, but that sounds like what you have)

OP here. To answer two common questions, my mom is the actual helpful and capable type. She would certainly not be a burden generally. Husband will likely stay home two weeks.

I'm kind of thinking I want most of that two weeks just the three of us. Then mom could come toward the end of it?

Anonymous wrote:I'm a new FTM. No way in hell would I have wanted anyone other than dh around all the time. For me, I needed that time to get to know our son and establish new routines. I was not anxious at all and the adjustment was really rather smooth, but having someone around all the time woukd have made me on edge. I didn't need any help, so having a third adult around would have just meant more work.

Only you know what you will need and want. Do you think you will need help? How will she react if you end up wanting privacy? What does dh think?

FTM and this is exactly how I felt. My mom did cook a lot of dinners though and was available if I needed an extra set of hands. Looking back I wish I asked for help more often. I thought I needed to do everything myself to learn how to take care of baby.

I was one of the first PPs here, and, reading all these responses, it seems that one of the key variables is your spouse's availability. I was the one whose mom came after 11 days, and, now that I think about it, my husband went back to work after 7 days. No wonder I wanted my mom by 11 days! (FTR, my husband took six weeks of paternity leave after my maternity leave.) I do think that if you and your spouse are taking extended simultaneous leaves, having your mom there as well might get a little crowded. But assuming one of you has to go back to work, that seems like a great time for back up to arrive!

Think about what your mom is like. My mom happened to be in town 24 hours after I had DD a month early. She "did" my laundry by putting it in them washer down the hall and then leaving. She "helped" by suggesting we go shopping 48 hours post partum. She provided meals by calling and ordering food from restaurants that didn't have delivery, but then saying she wasn't comfortable driving in DC. That left either me or my DH who had just started driving at the time to get it. They left when DD was about 4 days old. We were exhausted and called MIL. She slept on our sofa, did middle of the night bottles when I pumped, cleaned and grocery shopped etc. She stayed for 5 nights and it gave us a fresh start. It also got us through a period of bad jaundice and she's a nurse, so it was really helpful.

I'm similarly independent, op. My mom and I get along well but still I was worried w the hormones, the recovery, breastfeeding, getting used to parenting, etc that she would get on my nerves. Still, she came to help and stayed w us for 3 weeks after baby was born and it was wonderful. She cooked, grocery shopped, cleaned, and of course helped w baby so that we could rest, shower, eat, and just generally not have to worry about things. It was amazingly helpful and I was so sad when she had to leave. So I say do it

Anonymous wrote:I'm incredibly independent - moved out at 17 and never lived at home again even for a summer. I wanted my mom there and cried when she had to leave.

Me too. I was really questioning if I wanted her there right away or to come after a few weeks, but she came right away from the Midwest and I'm so glad she did. I cried when she left.

That said, my mom was ALL IN. Groceries and cooking (including freezer meals for after she left), laundry (ours and babies'), night feedings (daytime too), the works. My MIL is local, but I couldn't count on her for much more than holding babies.

We had twins, FWIW, though my DH was on leave for the first several weeks as well - I might have felt differently or needed less support if it was one baby, but I think I would have appreciated the help either way as a FTM.

Love my mom. Did not really want her around for the first 2 months except for short visits to praise my baby. I wanted to hold my baby and all the visitors just prevented that. Also only wanted my husband witnessing my recovery and early breastfeeding. Now 2-3 months pp, her help would be more welcome.