21:24, I hear you. I'd basically stopped the defensive scramble to fix the results of his slacking months ago, but it gets to a point where I have to pick up some of responsibility eventually in order to have a semi-functional home environment.

I'd let him fail in similar situations recently and it triggered days of surly sulking on his part. It's as if when he's mad at himself I'm held responsible for making him feel that way. I guess I was weighing my options and today had chosen the one that would create more work for me but keep the peace. Anyway, it obviously backfired so it's a moot point now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, it sounds indeed like you need help just as much as he. Why, oh why couldn't you just have sat back, enjoyed the day with your child and in the evening opened a bottle of wine to share with friends, while your husband orders pizza? He may have ADHD, but you seem to have a very high need for control. Learn to relax and go with the flow.

Man, you *really* don't get it. If this had been a one-time thing, your suggestion would be perfectly appropriate. But this is a habitual pattern of OP's spouse not pulling his weight, and OP having to scramble to fix spouse's mess-ups at the last minute. You clearly have zero idea how draining that is, how it makes it essentially impossible to relax (because you're always "on duty" just in case...), and how opening a bottle of wine is not the answer at all!

Yeah, maybe. Then save the scrambling for the cases where it's necessary. In this case, it wasn't. Of course, it's hard to live with someone like OP'S spouse. Why is OP then making her life even harder? Maybe if OP really let her spouse fail once or twice, the message would hit home sooner?

Anonymous wrote:OP with one more update. He says he is leaving tonight and is going away "for a while." In the past I probably would have compromised my position and eaten my words and told him he should stay, but tonight I just said fine. He went on and on about how this time would be different and he'll change and he feels worse than I could. I'm so mad- I feel like I'm left looking like the bad guy who won't compromise while also having to handle house/baby/dog while he gets out of it all and gets to go feel sorry for himself.

Interesting how it's all about him. And that's air-quotes "interesting".

And you're absolutely right that he bailed and left you holding the bag. Don't believe for a second that's unintentional on his part. This is designed to punish you.

So don't let it. If someone wants to walk out of your life, let them walk. And if/when he decides to come back, use that opportunity to set some better boundaries and put a stop to this nonsense.

If you don't actively reject this behavior, you're enabling it. Therapy for you (re: why you'd stay with someone like this, play the role of doormat and allow this mess to continue) is a must.

Definitely get your own therapist! I did recently and it's such a relief. The emotional manipulation makes me think 'narcissist' but I'm dealing with one so I admit that skews my thinking a bit. However, I would suggest though that you read up on it and see if it rings true. I feel so much better now that I understand his tactics and am making a plan to get me and my kids out.

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, it sounds indeed like you need help just as much as he. Why, oh why couldn't you just have sat back, enjoyed the day with your child and in the evening opened a bottle of wine to share with friends, while your husband orders pizza? He may have ADHD, but you seem to have a very high need for control. Learn to relax and go with the flow.

Man, you *really* don't get it. If this had been a one-time thing, your suggestion would be perfectly appropriate. But this is a habitual pattern of OP's spouse not pulling his weight, and OP having to scramble to fix spouse's mess-ups at the last minute. You clearly have zero idea how draining that is, how it makes it essentially impossible to relax (because you're always "on duty" just in case...), and how opening a bottle of wine is not the answer at all!

Dear OP, it sounds indeed like you need help just as much as he. Why, oh why couldn't you just have sat back, enjoyed the day with your child and in the evening opened a bottle of wine to share with friends, while your husband orders pizza? He may have ADHD, but you seem to have a very high need for control. Learn to relax and go with the flow.

OP, are you seeing a therapist? Sounds like you need a person who can be a sounding board as you try to figure out your next steps. You can't make your husband work at his therapy but you can work at yours. There are steps you can take to disengage from his craziness but you need someone on your side who can help you see what they are.

Stay strong, op. You are worth it.