We have a joint account and everything goes into that account. We have personal accounts as well, but they are empty until conditions improve.

As others said, I think you flip the script. All the money goes into the joint account and money gets transferred to the personal accounts on an automatic basis.

We mostly use joint accounts, but it took a little while to get here mostly for logistical reasons. We opened joint accounts at BofA, attached to the personal accounts I already had, soon after getting married.

But DH took way longer than reasonable to figure out how to switch over his direct deposit (I believe him that it was just not figuring it out), and I have still never gotten BofA to make that account available for using their Bill Pay despite trying for a very long time.

So at this point, we both have most of our direct deposits go to the joint account. I put a small amount in my personal checking account, and I put some in our joint savings account. DH pays mortgage, insurance, and joint CC out of the joint account, which pretty much depletes what he puts into the joint account. I pay childcare, preschool, and cleaning service by check from that account. I also pay the few bills that go through BofA (e.g. phone) from my personal account as well as a personal CC. DH doesn't have a personal CC, but he prefers that I do since I do since I often shop online and end up returning things that don't fit and the fluctuating balance drives him bonkers.

We don't really have many expenses that we disagree on, so this system works for us (though I recognize aspects are a little byzantine for no apparent reason other than we're lazy). Finances are also not very tight, which maybe makes this system easier to deal with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use joint accounts.

Anecdotal, my impression is that 80% of my married friends use joint accounts and 20% keep their money separate.

But I am not sure I know any couples that put their money into a pooled joint account and then transfer it out to separate, individual spending accounts (except for one case where the wife is doing it in secret).

Is there a reason you don't just want to operate out of a fully joint account? It sounds like it would make your life easier.

OP here. I would actually be fine with just doing everything out of the joint account, but he says he doesn't want to pay for my student loans. And he loves to shop (e.g., all the gear you can imagine for the camping trip he takes every other year), so it's probably best for me to be unaware of how much money he spends on things that I don't consider necessary.

And 15:42 - I'm in awe that you can make that system work!! I'm basically trying to minimize the need for me to ask him to chip in or otherwise contribute more than he already has, since most of those conversations end up in an argument.

Then, maybe the real problem is that he's just not as concerned as I am, and he'll go days and weeks without checking on our accounts, knowing that I'll take care of things, and restructuring how the money flows won't solve that.

His not wanting to pay for your student loans is just...well...a financial version of semantics. Pregnancy brain is keeping the word from me. Anyway, whether "he" pays or "you" pay, you two are a married couple. Everything goes to the same place anyway. If it makes him feel better to have student loan $$ come from *your* account, well good for him. But at the end of the day, its all your joint money anyway. Because student loan payments is taking away from the good of the whole family, not just you.

Its actually not semantics. There's a reason he chose student loans . . . they are automatically personal assets, so helping her pay them won't benefit him in any way if the marriage dissolves. Meanwhile, if he spends the money she's spending on her loans on personal crap, he might get to keep those. He has a pretty sweet system going. He's protecting himself financially and she's doing all of the work. OP, even if you don't want to pay for everything jointly, I would bluff and say you do until he agrees to be more responsible.

I agree on a micro level. However, big picture, the $ going towards student loans is $ that isnt going towards the "common good" of the family. I pay $400/mo in student loans, for instance. That's $400/month that we can't use towards college funds or retirement accounts or investment accounts or a new car. We had to get $400/month lesser of a mortgage when we purchased our home (approx $100k less of a house). So, even though the debt is mine, my husband suffers from my debt because its less money our family has to draw from. If we separate, my husband gets 1/2 of a smaller house, 1/2 of a crappier car, 1/2 of a smaller retirement account, 1/2 of a smaller investment account, etc. than he would otherwise. I assume that the same is true for the OP.

You take a very generous view of the "common good" of the family. I suppose this is true for families where the money is tight and there isn't much extra but it's not true in our case. I have student loan payments of $300 a month that I pay from my separate account. DW, from her separate account, more frequently buys clothes and bought a new car instead of a used one. I suppose I'm sacrificing to some degree by not having as many new clothes or keeping my car for longer but I really don't think it affects the "common good" of the family.

We have joint accounts and just paid off the last $50k of my husband's student loans with the sale of our home. We've gone through periods where either of us were making a lot more $ than the other but we agreed 12 years ago to "for richer or for poorer" so we've always split what we have left over pretty evenly. I can't say it's all rosy though, I'm more likely to spend a few extra dollars regularly on something frivolous and he's more likely to splurge on something large and wasteful a couple times a year (unused treadmill desk, hiking equipment, etc.) so we each annoy each other with our spending habits in different ways.

I think one point to push is that doing all the financial management shouldn't be yours alone. I used to do it all myself and when we've been in rough spots with unexpected expenses I've taken on all of the stress of figuring it out while he seems blissfully unaware. That should be more of a partnership.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use joint accounts.

Anecdotal, my impression is that 80% of my married friends use joint accounts and 20% keep their money separate.

But I am not sure I know any couples that put their money into a pooled joint account and then transfer it out to separate, individual spending accounts (except for one case where the wife is doing it in secret).

Is there a reason you don't just want to operate out of a fully joint account? It sounds like it would make your life easier.

OP here. I would actually be fine with just doing everything out of the joint account, but he says he doesn't want to pay for my student loans. And he loves to shop (e.g., all the gear you can imagine for the camping trip he takes every other year), so it's probably best for me to be unaware of how much money he spends on things that I don't consider necessary.

And 15:42 - I'm in awe that you can make that system work!! I'm basically trying to minimize the need for me to ask him to chip in or otherwise contribute more than he already has, since most of those conversations end up in an argument.

Then, maybe the real problem is that he's just not as concerned as I am, and he'll go days and weeks without checking on our accounts, knowing that I'll take care of things, and restructuring how the money flows won't solve that.

His not wanting to pay for your student loans is just...well...a financial version of semantics. Pregnancy brain is keeping the word from me. Anyway, whether "he" pays or "you" pay, you two are a married couple. Everything goes to the same place anyway. If it makes him feel better to have student loan $$ come from *your* account, well good for him. But at the end of the day, its all your joint money anyway. Because student loan payments is taking away from the good of the whole family, not just you.

Its actually not semantics. There's a reason he chose student loans . . . they are automatically personal assets, so helping her pay them won't benefit him in any way if the marriage dissolves. Meanwhile, if he spends the money she's spending on her loans on personal crap, he might get to keep those. He has a pretty sweet system going. He's protecting himself financially and she's doing all of the work. OP, even if you don't want to pay for everything jointly, I would bluff and say you do until he agrees to be more responsible.

I agree on a micro level. However, big picture, the $ going towards student loans is $ that isnt going towards the "common good" of the family. I pay $400/mo in student loans, for instance. That's $400/month that we can't use towards college funds or retirement accounts or investment accounts or a new car. We had to get $400/month lesser of a mortgage when we purchased our home (approx $100k less of a house). So, even though the debt is mine, my husband suffers from my debt because its less money our family has to draw from. If we separate, my husband gets 1/2 of a smaller house, 1/2 of a crappier car, 1/2 of a smaller retirement account, 1/2 of a smaller investment account, etc. than he would otherwise. I assume that the same is true for the OP.

For the first 15 or so years we were married, everything was joint. When we were in grad school/just starting out, this worked really well for us.

As our discretionary income grew, though, the small but annoying differences in how we prefer to spend/save started to assert themselves.

So, we separated things. We divided up the bills/expenses based on how much we each make (this was pretty easy since our incomes are almost the same). It has made our day-to-day money management so much easier. Investments are still joint.

Now, I am responsible for some bills and he pays others. As long as the mortgage gets paid (and I know it always will), I don't care what kind of car he buys or how much he's ordering from Amazon. He doesn't fret about my lunches out with friends or the recent trip I took with my sister. It works for us, though it's not the system that would work for everyone.

(also, we are pretty open with each other, so we each have access to the passwords for the other's accounts - makes it super easy if we need to transfer funds for some reason).

We have joint everything and he pays all the bills. I do daily checks, together we have weekly updates, monthly we do transfers to different accounts.

We never fight about money.

Same goals, same honesty, same life plan.

We have joint checking, joint savings and joint credit cards. I can't imagine it any other way although it was a little awkward at first. We had student loans when we were first married but that is just part of the deal - for better or worse. We have joint saving goals so paying student loans was a priority so we could get to our other goals. I would be annoyed if my husband wanted his "own" money to spend on things he doesn't want to tell me about. That is money not going to our joint goals. If either of us wants to make a large individual purchase (computer, purse, girls weekend etc.) we discuss. We don't nit pick the smaller things although I'm sure my husband thinks I spend to much on Starbucks and I think he spends to much going out to lunch.

One joint account that we each contribute to 60%/40% pro rata based on income. So, if monthly expenses are $5K one puts in $3K and the other $2K. In practice, we just keep a minimum balance of around $10K in that account. We keep the rest of our money in separate accounts.

All joint purchases (food, going out, vacations..most things) go on a joint credit card which drafts off the joint bank account. The mortgage, etc. is also paid from the joint account.

We have one joint checking account and both checks go in that. One joint savings account, with a variety of subaccounts for various savings goals. Auto transfers set up from checking into those different buckets. Most spending goes on our joint credit card and is paid in full each month from the joint checking account. DH usually pays the bills while I keep an eye on balances, adjust savings transfers as needed, and do the taxes.

This has worked for us for 15 yrs, though two-careers, a stint of unemployment by DH, several years of SAHM by DW (me), and now again two-careers. We're a team, there is no 'his' money or 'her' money.

Anonymous wrote:We use joint accounts.

Anecdotal, my impression is that 80% of my married friends use joint accounts and 20% keep their money separate.

But I am not sure I know any couples that put their money into a pooled joint account and then transfer it out to separate, individual spending accounts (except for one case where the wife is doing it in secret).

Is there a reason you don't just want to operate out of a fully joint account? It sounds like it would make your life easier.

We do that - one main joint account with separate personal accounts that we add to each month. The main account is for bills, groceries, etc. The separate accounts are for much smaller frivolous stuff that we aren't going to coordinate with each other on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use joint accounts.

Anecdotal, my impression is that 80% of my married friends use joint accounts and 20% keep their money separate.

But I am not sure I know any couples that put their money into a pooled joint account and then transfer it out to separate, individual spending accounts (except for one case where the wife is doing it in secret).

Is there a reason you don't just want to operate out of a fully joint account? It sounds like it would make your life easier.

OP here. I would actually be fine with just doing everything out of the joint account, but he says he doesn't want to pay for my student loans. And he loves to shop (e.g., all the gear you can imagine for the camping trip he takes every other year), so it's probably best for me to be unaware of how much money he spends on things that I don't consider necessary.

And 15:42 - I'm in awe that you can make that system work!! I'm basically trying to minimize the need for me to ask him to chip in or otherwise contribute more than he already has, since most of those conversations end up in an argument.

Then, maybe the real problem is that he's just not as concerned as I am, and he'll go days and weeks without checking on our accounts, knowing that I'll take care of things, and restructuring how the money flows won't solve that.

His not wanting to pay for your student loans is just...well...a financial version of semantics. Pregnancy brain is keeping the word from me. Anyway, whether "he" pays or "you" pay, you two are a married couple. Everything goes to the same place anyway. If it makes him feel better to have student loan $$ come from *your* account, well good for him. But at the end of the day, its all your joint money anyway. Because student loan payments is taking away from the good of the whole family, not just you.

Its actually not semantics. There's a reason he chose student loans . . . they are automatically personal assets, so helping her pay them won't benefit him in any way if the marriage dissolves. Meanwhile, if he spends the money she's spending on her loans on personal crap, he might get to keep those. He has a pretty sweet system going. He's protecting himself financially and she's doing all of the work. OP, even if you don't want to pay for everything jointly, I would bluff and say you do until he agrees to be more responsible.

Anonymous wrote:i do not understand separate accounts within a marriage. You stated that you both have a personal credit card? For what? How do you budget? How do you save? If one partner has an unexpected need (car maintenance or refrigerator broke), who pays? In my house , an unexpected bill requires that the entire household needs to tightened it's belt for the month or two. Multiple accounts seems like extra work (well, for you anyway). I would lobby for 1 joint account and give it a trial run for 6-12 months.

Sometimes it's just easier to look the other way when a spouse decides to help his family and it's just not worth fighting about. In my case, my husband wants to buy tickets for his mom to travel to her nephew's graduation and whatever else I wouldn't agree with.

OP, why dont you just flip the way you do it around?

If I were you, I would sit down with DH and develop a budget. Look at what you spend on mortgage, daycare, cars, savings, retirement, kids college, utilities, groceries, etc. and plot if all out in a spreadsheet. Once you have covered all of the expense categories, you should have a certain amount left over every month. "Fun money" for the family, "fun money" for you and "fun money" for DH. Determine what those $s are. Then, using your budget choose what to deposit into personal vs joint. Your "fun money" goes into personal accts, everything else goes into joint acct.

We have a joint checking account. All money from either partner goes into that account, and all bills are paid from there. From that account, we each get some 'free' money each month to spend on whatever. I usually buy clothes, my DH goes to happy hour or buys fast food or something. Doesn't matter - it's money to do whatever you want with. But yes, I can't imagine doing all the other joint savings (college, retirement, house, car, family vacation) stuff without all money going into the same pot.