Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't, we divorced. Within months I felt the sexy come back after dating.

Sexy come back for your ex or just in general towards people you were dating?

For me. It was a long before the divorce that I didn't feel sexy for my ex

OP here - yes I lost my physical attraction to him long ago, objectively I can appreciate his attractiveness but no part of me wants to lean in and make out with him. But I want to try to get that back, I do believe the other aspects are on the road to repair and we could have a good marriage. I don't know how to get the physical side back though - or whether that's even possible - and I don't want to stay married if I can't.

Was what I put in bold part of the discovered underlying problem?

Regardless, if you don't get your ''sexy back'' you could well find yourself getting it back with another man. It isn't all about sex, but rather the intimacy outside of sex and within sex as well. So, since no part of you wants to lean in and make out...that's a big issue for the vast majority.

OP here - I lost my attraction for him because he was a mean jerk due to poorly controlled stress and anxiety. Through therapy and meds he's addressed his anxiety issues which has made him a nicer person and better partner. I want to get back feeling attracted to him, not just thinking of him as a good / logical partner.

Wow, when I read this last post from you, I was stunned at how close my situation is to yours. I don't know how your relationship was before it got sour, but I've been trying to reminisce about the times when we were young, in love, and attracted to each other. I imagine all the things that originally attracted me to him. It's hard to say whether it's working.

That is one of the huge consequences of staying w/a cheater, you ultimately lose the desire to have sex w/that person since that person voluntarily went out of their way to break your special bond.

Once broken, things will never be as wonderful as they once were.
One can only wish.

That is why it is so important to remain faithful to your spouse.
Somethings are just too sacred to ruin.

PP here...I'm glad you are in couples therapy.
In my marriage we had the pre-kids phase which was largely conflict-free (or seemingly so), then the immediate post-kids time which was hell (made far worse by my post-partum depression), and then I got treatment and went to personal therapy and things improved a lot. But there were still issues keeping me from feeling close to my DH--problems that we were not talking about. And he was still angry at me and not trusting me since I had been so out of control and awful. So we went to couples therapy. We didn't like the first therapist and after a few months switched to another.

I feel like we are now really in a new phase of our marriage, having to explore what it is like to be married for so long with kids and figure out how to maintain a connection in mid-life. I think both my DH and I love each other and have good intentions and are committed to making it work. We also just plain like each other. And I think he is a good dad. Even with all those positives, though, passion doesn't miraculously appear all the time. It comes and goes for sure.

The book Passionate Marriage made me realize how I was holding back from real intimacy.
The book Can Love Last made me realize these issues we have are very, very common.
And the Peter Kraemer book just plain gave me a lot to think about in general.

Over the last two years my DH and I have gone from having zero sex (we were in a sexless marriage for awhile) to having it every few weeks. But when we do it now, it's pretty passionate. So I have been able to get my passion back, but, you know, it didn't just magically reappear. And it's different than it was back in my 20s.

Anonymous wrote:PP here with one other thought, you did not say if you all have tried couples therapy, if not then try it. With the right therapist it can really help.

Thanks for all the advice above - super helpful. Yes we are in couples therapy which has gotten us to a good and productive place, totally functional just w/o passion at least on my side.