OP. I would be upset. Get him to go to couples counseling and talk about it with a professional you both trust. There's so much going on in your post. It sounds like you're in an idyll, but shit always happens, so you'll need to be able to handle what's coming. Your DH finally trusts you enough to share the truth about his past. It's OK. But you both need counseling.

Oh, please, PP. You are attracted to men. It's OK, but don't try to lie about it, particularly to yourself. And let your wife know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't have any hang ups about it. It doesn't change how I feel about or view my husband. We were just hanging out on the couch talking and he said "There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time," and he told me. He says that he doesn't really think much about the abuse anymore. Being his wife, I can see some ways that it may still be affecting him. As far as the "relationship," is it pretty normal for men to experiment but still be heterosexual? I'm accepting, but a bit confused.

Experimenting is normal. It varies from person to person. Your husband may have been experimenting, he may have been trying to work out something emotionally, he may be bi.

Don't drive yourself crazy trying to sort this evaluate your relationship now.

A DH here, incredibly attracted to my wife, but have always had some curiousity in regards to oral with same sex. Never experimented as I was too scared to try it and now that I'm married never would, but still think about it from time to time, mostly in a MFM situation. So I think it is normal.

Woman finds out her husband had sex with a man in the past: freaks out, insists that he needs therapy, and talks to all her friends about it.

Man finds out his wife had sex with a woman in the past: Thinks it's hot and wonders if he can get her to do it again while he watches.

Who's overreacting?

OP,
It seems you are more bothered by his same-sex relationship than you want to admit.
I think therapy would be good for YOU to help you work out your own feeling about this.

As for your husband's rape it's not your role to pressure him into therapy. He gets to decide if he wants to go.
He gets to decide who he talks to about it.
He gets to decide the details he shares including with you.

Just continue to be supporting and loving as you always have been.

The fact that your husband can confide in you means that he has faith in you and your relationship.

Is the rape connected to his affair with a man? Maybe. Was he raped by a woman or a man? Was the rape violent or it was sexual abuse by a trusted person?

You need to tell him that you will support any decision he makes about seeing a therapist or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't have any hang ups about it. It doesn't change how I feel about or view my husband. We were just hanging out on the couch talking and he said "There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time," and he told me. He says that he doesn't really think much about the abuse anymore. Being his wife, I can see some ways that it may still be affecting him. As far as the "relationship," is it pretty normal for men to experiment but still be heterosexual? I'm accepting, but a bit confused.

Experimenting is normal. It varies from person to person. Your husband may have been experimenting, he may have been trying to work out something emotionally, he may be bi.

Don't drive yourself crazy trying to sort this evaluate your relationship now.

Agreed.

Also, therapy is a good idea due to the CSA, for both you and him. However, the only person you can control is you. So I would suggest you start therapy to deal with your feelings, and maybe he will be inclined to join.

Also, based on how this board normally goes, this thread is probably going to devolve into homophobia pretty soon, so be prepared to tune it out. That, or ask Jeff to move it to the LGBT forum, which seems to be a little kinder/the assholes get deleted.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't have any hang ups about it. It doesn't change how I feel about or view my husband. We were just hanging out on the couch talking and he said "There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time," and he told me. He says that he doesn't really think much about the abuse anymore. Being his wife, I can see some ways that it may still be affecting him. As far as the "relationship," is it pretty normal for men to experiment but still be heterosexual? I'm accepting, but a bit confused.

Experimenting is normal. It varies from person to person. Your husband may have been experimenting, he may have been trying to work out something emotionally, he may be bi.

Don't drive yourself crazy trying to sort this evaluate your relationship now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.

Believe it or not, it is possible for someone to get over something and move on. What exactly would he be "dealing with" all these years later?

If he has not gone to therapy for the abuse... He had not "gotten over" the abuse.

He should deal with the feelings he has about being abused, how it negatively affects him now and how he can change those behaviors.

OP has not described "issues" there may be none right now. Often having kids triggers the PTSD of CSA.

Men generally think they can "handle it" and eventually self destruct.

It is possible to move past things without therapy - just like some people need therapy to deal with grief and others don't, not everyone needs therapy for sexual abuse.

Please don't derail this thread like you do every time someone suggests therapy for people who have been abused.

It was a huge thing that he trusted you to confide in you about the rape.
Don't make the mistake of tying every behavior he has to that. It might be related but that's for him to deal with. Your role is to be supportive in whatever way he needs as long as it's not harmful. Reassure him you still love him.
He may or may not choose therapy.

You might benefit from some resources to learn the best way to cope with this new info.

From how you describe the relationship it sounds like his boyfriend may have been abusive or controlling. More surprises may be coming, op.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.

Believe it or not, it is possible for someone to get over something and move on. What exactly would he be "dealing with" all these years later?

If he has not gone to therapy for the abuse... He had not "gotten over" the abuse.

He should deal with the feelings he has about being abused, how it negatively affects him now and how he can change those behaviors.

OP has not described "issues" there may be none right now. Often having kids triggers the PTSD of CSA.

Men generally think they can "handle it" and eventually self destruct.

It is possible to move past things without therapy - just like some people need therapy to deal with grief and others don't, not everyone needs therapy for sexual abuse.

I agree. Think about the numbe of victims of childhood sexual assault-- all of those people don't get therapy and many still turn out fine, though scarred (including me).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.

Believe it or not, it is possible for someone to get over something and move on. What exactly would he be "dealing with" all these years later?

If he has not gone to therapy for the abuse... He had not "gotten over" the abuse.

He should deal with the feelings he has about being abused, how it negatively affects him now and how he can change those behaviors.

OP has not described "issues" there may be none right now. Often having kids triggers the PTSD of CSA.

Men generally think they can "handle it" and eventually self destruct.

It is possible to move past things without therapy - just like some people need therapy to deal with grief and others don't, not everyone needs therapy for sexual abuse.

Maybe, but male CSA victims have a huge rate of failed relationships and alcoholism. When in therapy most don't put 2+2 together and understand their childhood experience is affecting their adult life. Most report that they "dealt with it" " put it behind them" "rarely think of it"... So CSA victims can't really self report if they need therapy or not.


The master/slave need in every romantic relationship is a red flag.

Its Russian roulette being in a relationship with CSA victim who never sought professional help, expect rough seas ahead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.

Believe it or not, it is possible for someone to get over something and move on. What exactly would he be "dealing with" all these years later?

If he has not gone to therapy for the abuse... He had not "gotten over" the abuse.

He should deal with the feelings he has about being abused, how it negatively affects him now and how he can change those behaviors.

OP has not described "issues" there may be none right now. Often having kids triggers the PTSD of CSA.

Men generally think they can "handle it" and eventually self destruct.

It is possible to move past things without therapy - just like some people need therapy to deal with grief and others don't, not everyone needs therapy for sexual abuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been tested for Aspergers?

Please fuck off.

Why do you only respond to the crazy posts and ignore the helpful ones?

Anonymous wrote:Have you been tested for Aspergers?

Please fuck off.