Tell them that you are proud of them for working hard rather than for being smart.

I don't know if this is advisable or not, but we appealed to pride... thus far it mostly seems to have worked, with a few irritating exceptions.

It's not clear to me how you build grit and resilience in kids.

Not clear here, either. But, I do know that the helicopter model is certainly not the way. I think you have to let them fail. Certainly, you do not let them fail at the really dangerous things--but, they need to know that they are not going to always be the "best". And, somehow, they need to learn to be happy to observe the success of others.

You need to allow them to be sad at their disappointments--if they do not get the toy they want right now. How many of us have been out the day after Thanksgiving trying to secure the "hot" toy for Christmas? Nothing wrong with that. Occasionally--but not always. When you have dinner and they don't get what they want--don't go and fix them their own dinner. I have a friend whose child would come home from daycare (home daycare) and be obsessed with the toy the other child received. Mom would go right out and buy the same toy for her child.

Let the three year old throw the tantrum--rather than "negotiate" and give him whatever he thinks he wants.

If your child does not get on the team he wants--don't go calling the coach and weaseling your kid on the team. (This happens. I know people who have done this.) Let him be disappointed. Be sympathetic, but help him see that we are all disappointed, but there will be other opportunities.

I read somewhere that you learn more from your failures than your successes. I think that might be true.

Anonymous wrote:Op read the article in the Atlantic this month about school success and resilience. Brilliant with lots of great research on the scientific answer to your question.

I glanced at the article. I read his book "How children succeed", it's very interesting. It talks mostly about how traumatic events and bad circumstances in early childhood affect kids on physiological level and how they're not able to cope with stress later down the road.

However, I'm asking about middle class. I can't say they all have grit and resilience despite the fact that they had comfortable childhoods with little stress at home and plenty of nurturing and attention from their caregivers. It's not clear to me how you build grit and resilience in kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Praise effort.

demand results.

Reward resuts

I was a very self-driven child. This was my mindset:

- Leave me alone to do my work. Don't tell me to go to bed when I'm still studying.
- When I am in tears from the pressure I am putting on myself, just support me by saying that it's okay if I don't make an A on my next test
- Let me know that you appreciate the effort that I am putting in
- Don't have expectations of me. Let me be myself I have my own expectations of myself and it won't help me that your expectations may be different or worse yet, what I think might be out of my reach.
- When I make a B on something, don't ever ever ask me why it wasn't an A. Encourage me by saying it's okay.
- Support me by keeping an eye out for opportunities that I may not be aware of. Let me know what they are but don't expect me to jump on everything that looks good to you.
- I'll put pressure on myself to demand my own productivity. You do not need to demand anything from me, it will only cause me to be annoyed at you and think you are a stupid parent.
- I'll define my own success and I don't care what anyone else thinks.

Anonymous wrote:Those of you who aren't willing to let your kids fail (kids who don't have SNs or LDs or other things that require parental intervention regularly) -- do you have an exit strategy? Are you going to be riding your kid forever?

Remember that thread a few months ago about the mom who called Dr. Drew because she was HUGELY depressed about her son "only" attending Boston College? That's what happens to people who are over invested in never letting their kids fail.

Those of you who aren't willing to let your kids fail (kids who don't have SNs or LDs or other things that require parental intervention regularly) -- do you have an exit strategy? Are you going to be riding your kid forever?

I agree I can think of countless kids I knew who were "allowed to fail" and if anything it just set them on a downward spiral instead of serving as a catalyst for success.

On the other hand, giving them success--i.e. "helping" them with their work--to the point that the child is watching the parent do his homework, does not foster success. It may foster approval, but the child knows if he did not do the work. This happens more than you realize. DD did a science project with a partner--I later found out that partner's mom ran the whole thing. DD was not proud of that "A". Can't help but wonder how often this happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be bored, don't structure all their time.

Many a druggie has been raised this way.

Sounds like you have experience here...

Anonymous wrote:Let them be bored, don't structure all their time.

Many a druggie has been raised this way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that's an inherent trait. They either have it or they don't. But you can foster self-motivation. The biggest way to do so is back off and let them fail.

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/unmotivated-child-6-ways-to-get-your-child-going/

I completely do not agree with this approach. I don't want my kids to fail to learn. I also think "Empowering Parents" is a bogus parenting con game based on a one-size-fits-all mentality that is there to make money off of desperate parents with problem children.

I agree I can think of countless kids I knew who were "allowed to fail" and if anything it just set them on a downward spiral instead of serving as a catalyst for success.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Praise effort.

demand results.

Actually, i kind of agree with this.

I think this "praise effort" trend has created kids who are lazier and who who think they should get rewarded simply for attempting anything, even if they accomplish nothing at all.

I think a better response is to praise productivity. Effort without any results is really meaningless.

I agree completely. Results are what is important, because the results of an effort are what others see, assess, and rely on. Effort is only an ingredient, necessary but insufficient, and therefore in our view didn't make much sense to be the focus of parental attention. Whatever ethically-appropriate process worked for our kids was fine, we just emphasized that it was important for them to consistently be making progress towards their goals.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Praise effort.

demand results.

Actually, i kind of agree with this.

I think this "praise effort" trend has created kids who are lazier and who who think they should get rewarded simply for attempting anything, even if they accomplish nothing at all.

I think a better response is to praise productivity. Effort without any results is really meaningless.

Op read the article in the Atlantic this month about school success and resilience. Brilliant with lots of great research on the scientific answer to your question.