Anonymous
Post 06/20/2016 08:53     Subject: If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband has a PhD in a very good field from a very good university. he worked in his field for less than 25 years and then took early retirement to basically putz around.

I am very disappointed that he let down our family and made me work twice as hard to provide a good living.

However, I love him and would never consider divorcing him.

It was so funny, that my mother worried that I would never marry and needed a man to take care of me. I ended up the opposite and my mother is not the wiser.


25 years? He worked till your kids were through school, why can't you retire too?


Probably because she and the kids spent all of the money.

Omg no one had the right to be disappointed and critical of their spouse - unless you've hit the road.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2016 19:55     Subject: Re:If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband excels professionally. His goal in life seems to be to provide for me and a future family. However, he only wants to have sex once a week which is a huge disappointment. I'm not sure how I didn't realize this before we got married. It's been a huge disappointment. I have an above average sex drive and will feel deprived the rest of my life.


Make sure you are ready for this the rest of your life. You say "future family", so it sounds like you haven't had children yet. After 23 years together, I am quite weary of it. We were never matched well sexually. I have always been higher drive (I'm the wife). As we've gotten older, it's only gotten worse.


I think I'm ready for it?? How has it gotten worse as you've gotten older?
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2016 19:50     Subject: If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with it?

We have been to dinner recently with some couples, and on occasion, it occurred to me (the wife made no secret of it) that the wives were under impressed by their husbands. In one case (not at dinner, obviously) a wife divorced their husband, after he sent her to "grad school" (expensive $50K certificate program that you pay for and they accept you). Since I am not naming names here, and you (presumably) are not, do you think less of women who berate their husbands, or let them know they are disappointed? Or are you a wife that feels that way about their husband? What did/do you do about it? It seems fairly prevalent, so I am curious. Maybe it is just certain cultures (I am not pointing fingers, so don't ask me to name it); and the husbands expect it? It seems sad to me. Do you know anyone who does this?


No, I respect them more, actually, for not putting up with the bullshit.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2016 19:48     Subject: Re:If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
Anonymous wrote:My husband excels professionally. His goal in life seems to be to provide for me and a future family. However, he only wants to have sex once a week which is a huge disappointment. I'm not sure how I didn't realize this before we got married. It's been a huge disappointment. I have an above average sex drive and will feel deprived the rest of my life.


Make sure you are ready for this the rest of your life. You say "future family", so it sounds like you haven't had children yet. After 23 years together, I am quite weary of it. We were never matched well sexually. I have always been higher drive (I'm the wife). As we've gotten older, it's only gotten worse.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2016 19:30     Subject: If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes I've gotten caught in conversations where wives complain about their DHs professionally (and once where a DH complained about his wife professionally). It's all kinds of awkward and there's nothing a stranger/casual friend can say.

I'm in law, so I always here some variation of -- I married him expecting he'd make biglaw partner and he didn't; I married him expecting that he'd get a biglaw job and now I realize he works for Joe Schmoe & Associates not bc he wants to but bc that's all his T4 degree pedigree gets him - I wish he had been honest; or I never pushed him for partnership but I married him expecting at least 8 yrs of biglaw money that we'd use to pay down/off a house and he "burnt out" in 2 yrs and is now happy in a 120k gov't job -- this isn't what I signed up for to be living out in Lorton.


You married him for his pedigree. Sounds like you got exactly what you deserved.


yup - I think this sums it up perfectly

Anonymous
Post 06/19/2016 19:18     Subject: If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
Anonymous wrote:Yes I've gotten caught in conversations where wives complain about their DHs professionally (and once where a DH complained about his wife professionally). It's all kinds of awkward and there's nothing a stranger/casual friend can say.

I'm in law, so I always here some variation of -- I married him expecting he'd make biglaw partner and he didn't; I married him expecting that he'd get a biglaw job and now I realize he works for Joe Schmoe & Associates not bc he wants to but bc that's all his T4 degree pedigree gets him - I wish he had been honest; or I never pushed him for partnership but I married him expecting at least 8 yrs of biglaw money that we'd use to pay down/off a house and he "burnt out" in 2 yrs and is now happy in a 120k gov't job -- this isn't what I signed up for to be living out in Lorton.


You married him for his pedigree. Sounds like you got exactly what you deserved.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2016 07:54     Subject: If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband has a PhD in a very good field from a very good university. he worked in his field for less than 25 years and then took early retirement to basically putz around.

I am very disappointed that he let down our family and made me work twice as hard to provide a good living.

However, I love him and would never consider divorcing him.

It was so funny, that my mother worried that I would never marry and needed a man to take care of me. I ended up the opposite and my mother is not the wiser.


Normally I would would correct your Yiddish: futz is the word fand hanging out and puttering. Putz is a word for penis, so he's dicking around". However, given he seems to have unilaterally decided that you should have to work extra hard, I will go with the word you chose.


That's precisely what you've just done. Don't be passive aggressive about being an asshole. Own it.

Anonymous
Post 06/19/2016 00:27     Subject: If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband has a PhD in a very good field from a very good university. he worked in his field for less than 25 years and then took early retirement to basically putz around.

I am very disappointed that he let down our family and made me work twice as hard to provide a good living.

However, I love him and would never consider divorcing him.

It was so funny, that my mother worried that I would never marry and needed a man to take care of me. I ended up the opposite and my mother is not the wiser.


Normally I would would correct your Yiddish: futz is the word fand hanging out and puttering. Putz is a word for penis, so he's dicking around". However, given he seems to have unilaterally decided that you should have to work extra hard, I will go with the word you chose.


Thanks for the laugh....
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2016 23:59     Subject: Re:If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
I honestly have no issue if a friend vents about her spouse (not sure if this is the same as bashing). I think it's great when my girlfriends tell me their problems and listen to mine in turn. I think every spouse complains about the other at some time or another; having a friend to listen can help gain perspective and keep you from lashing out at DH/DW. I'm more annoyed when people act like their marriages are perfect.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2016 20:56     Subject: If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
Anonymous wrote:I don't like to hear of spouse trashing because it is all talk, no action. You don't like it. Change it.

Also, if they don't earn enough to to suit you, get a job yourself and walk the walk.

Talk is cheap.


One lady did, she's divorced.

I've never heard women talking down their husbands professions, maybe only if super unambituous and constantly unemployed.

More often I hear wives being disappointed that they bought they were marrying a partner in marriage, child raising and maintaining a house and instead all they get is an empty suit paycheck. And both work FT.

Anonymous
Post 06/18/2016 20:05     Subject: If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
It's laughably childish to expect to marry someone that will be making millions per year. But if that's your expectation, at least be up front about it.

I have to admit that I don't understand what these wives think that they bring to the table that justifies being "disappointed" that their husbands who "only" make low six figures in a country where the average salary is <$50k.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2016 19:54     Subject: Re:If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wonder if the husbands are having the same conversation with the other husbands about their wives.


OP here. That is what I was thinking. Curious about this mentality.


OP, I don't think you can read too much into it either way. It sounds like these are people that you don't know well. Conversation about a person positive or negative rather than just conversation about current events or shared interests often ensues.

Some people lay it on thick about the many accomplishments of their spouses or kids; others can do nothing but complain. So if chit chat yields portrayals that are extremely glowing or negative, I would take either with a huge grain of salt.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2016 19:47     Subject: If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
I don't like to hear of spouse trashing because it is all talk, no action. You don't like it. Change it.

Also, if they don't earn enough to to suit you, get a job yourself and walk the walk.

Talk is cheap.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2016 19:25     Subject: If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
So this is why DH is always asking me if I'm disappointed he isn't interested in becoming partner or didn't work all kinds of extra hours for a larger bonus!

I married my husband because I love him, not for his earning potential. Everyone in my (admittedly small) social circle would rather have their husbands around more than to make more money, same as me.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2016 18:14     Subject: If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out
Anonymous wrote:Yes I've gotten caught in conversations where wives complain about their DHs professionally (and once where a DH complained about his wife professionally). It's all kinds of awkward and there's nothing a stranger/casual friend can say.

I'm in law, so I always here some variation of -- I married him expecting he'd make biglaw partner and he didn't; I married him expecting that he'd get a biglaw job and now I realize he works for Joe Schmoe & Associates not bc he wants to but bc that's all his T4 degree pedigree gets him - I wish he had been honest; or I never pushed him for partnership but I married him expecting at least 8 yrs of biglaw money that we'd use to pay down/off a house and he "burnt out" in 2 yrs and is now happy in a 120k gov't job -- this isn't what I signed up for to be living out in Lorton.


So what do these women do for a living? They want to talk about their husbands when at the end of the day, they wanted a man who'd become rich.