Anonymous
06/19/2016 22:32
Subject: Help me blend our family
Please tell your girlfriend to read Stepmonster. And you read it, too, every word.
Please see a premarital counselor.
Please wait a few years. Please be absolutely sure. Please know how very, very, very hard this will be.
Signed,
The stepmom in a much easier situation who had no idea how hard this would be
Please see a premarital counselor.
Please wait a few years. Please be absolutely sure. Please know how very, very, very hard this will be.
Signed,
The stepmom in a much easier situation who had no idea how hard this would be
Anonymous
06/19/2016 21:39
Subject: Help me blend our family
Thank you for asking these questions.
Anonymous
06/19/2016 14:38
Subject: Re:Help me blend our family
OP - I think the 9 year oild is old enough "to be heard" on how things are going for him or from his perspective now with a three year old sibling to be in his life, too, and to get his sense of what he enjoys and what he does not and why? Also ask him what would make it work better for him and let him know that giving him a say means he will have responsibilities in terms of behavior that a 3-year old has yet to learn. There do need to be some ground rules on behavior and recognize that never having had a sibling around, the older boy may not realize how a light push or something might hurt a much younger child.
It is also important for the Step Parent to let him know how much you do enjoy him and hope to see the younger one develop XXX skills or abilities over the years. Also that both of you will always listen to older child if the younger one is bothering him and take appropriate action. Also for the 9 year old both of you need to understand that his friends and his activities now and in the next few years will be very important to keep going even if it is extra effort in planning etc.
Three year old is also old enough to have some basic behavior cues followed and appropriate measures taken if not such as time out, no TV, no dessert or whatever you choose, **It will be important for the older sibling to see that you are not only teaching the younger child, but also disciplining appropriately when it is needed so that he does not feel that junior is the prized child and gets the run of the house.
Question will older child be remaining in the home of his parent who is marrying? If not then he should be given input in how he would like his room to look. If yes, then 3-yar old should be taught appropriate boundaries of going in or not. Keep an eye out on the 9 year old to see if some family therapy might also help him and both of you parents work things out better for him and younger sibling with some professional guidance.
Anonymous
06/18/2016 13:47
Subject: Help me blend our family
Anonymous wrote:I have a 9 yo and it would be so hard on him to have a new 3yo suddenly in the house. It's a tough age gap because they won't have anything in common. It will get easier in a few years when the 3 yo is less irrational and can entertain himself more.
You can't expect them to just play together. Three is a tough age, and it's OK for the nine year old to want some space.
You adults have to help them navigate rules and boundaries that work.
Anonymous
06/18/2016 13:25
Subject: Help me blend our family
Anonymous wrote:They are really young. Can you put the kids first and wait to get married? How long have you been divorced?
And why do you insist having them together on the same weekend?
Maybe because this way, they get two kid-free weekends. Sounds good to me.
Anonymous
06/18/2016 12:55
Subject: Re:Help me blend our family
Anonymous wrote:I have a blended family. It is tough and you can't make kids like each other, but you need to establish ground rules so that everyone experiences the new home as a fair place for them.
1) The ground rules need to be fair and fairly enforced. Try holding monthly "family meetings" to ask everyone for their ground rules. Like my stepson didn't want anyone going into his room without knocking. So we wrote that one down. My son was too young to come up with ground rules, but I wanted everyone to put their dirty dishes into the dishwasher NOT the sink. Including husband. You can probably only have 3-5 of these "house rules." You want them to be realistic and not personal and for all to agree to honor them.
2) You want to be very careful not to replace any special time/rituals that were in place in the pre-blended family. So in our case my son and I were used to having pancake breakfasts on Sat or Sunday and I made sure we kept that going whether or not my stepson is awake or not. If your stepchildren are used to their father driving them to school, absolutely keep doing that. Etc. Put up with the inconvenience because it's about protecting the feelings of love, specialness, and consistency that children like.
3) You can create new rituals that make sense for you as a blended family. In our house, neither of our exes had anything specific that they did on Christmas eve, so I make sure everyone gets a pair of Christmas jammies, we all watch the Grinch, and I make a "roast beast."
You also need to look at the material circumstances in your case. We moved into a new home because we didn't want that bad feeling that someone was coming into someone else's space. If you are moving into someone else's house, this needs it's own attention and care.
And finally I'd encourage you to be very clear that you have ultimate say over your kid(s) and he has ultimate say over his kid(s). I don't discipline my stepson and my husband doesn't discipline my son. We don't hide that from either of our kids. When my son struggled with school, it was a decision between my XH and me to locate a new school for him. We were always very clear with everyone in the family that my husband is a loving and important person, but not a "decider" over my son.
I think this is really good advice.
Anonymous
06/16/2016 15:22
Subject: Help me blend our family
It's hard for the 9 year old because now on her weekends with you she's sharing you with a new woman and another kid. It will take quite awhile for that to feel normal.
Anonymous
06/16/2016 13:09
Subject: Re:Help me blend our family
I have a blended family. It is tough and you can't make kids like each other, but you need to establish ground rules so that everyone experiences the new home as a fair place for them.
1) The ground rules need to be fair and fairly enforced. Try holding monthly "family meetings" to ask everyone for their ground rules. Like my stepson didn't want anyone going into his room without knocking. So we wrote that one down. My son was too young to come up with ground rules, but I wanted everyone to put their dirty dishes into the dishwasher NOT the sink. Including husband. You can probably only have 3-5 of these "house rules." You want them to be realistic and not personal and for all to agree to honor them.
2) You want to be very careful not to replace any special time/rituals that were in place in the pre-blended family. So in our case my son and I were used to having pancake breakfasts on Sat or Sunday and I made sure we kept that going whether or not my stepson is awake or not. If your stepchildren are used to their father driving them to school, absolutely keep doing that. Etc. Put up with the inconvenience because it's about protecting the feelings of love, specialness, and consistency that children like.
3) You can create new rituals that make sense for you as a blended family. In our house, neither of our exes had anything specific that they did on Christmas eve, so I make sure everyone gets a pair of Christmas jammies, we all watch the Grinch, and I make a "roast beast."
You also need to look at the material circumstances in your case. We moved into a new home because we didn't want that bad feeling that someone was coming into someone else's space. If you are moving into someone else's house, this needs it's own attention and care.
And finally I'd encourage you to be very clear that you have ultimate say over your kid(s) and he has ultimate say over his kid(s). I don't discipline my stepson and my husband doesn't discipline my son. We don't hide that from either of our kids. When my son struggled with school, it was a decision between my XH and me to locate a new school for him. We were always very clear with everyone in the family that my husband is a loving and important person, but not a "decider" over my son.
1) The ground rules need to be fair and fairly enforced. Try holding monthly "family meetings" to ask everyone for their ground rules. Like my stepson didn't want anyone going into his room without knocking. So we wrote that one down. My son was too young to come up with ground rules, but I wanted everyone to put their dirty dishes into the dishwasher NOT the sink. Including husband. You can probably only have 3-5 of these "house rules." You want them to be realistic and not personal and for all to agree to honor them.
2) You want to be very careful not to replace any special time/rituals that were in place in the pre-blended family. So in our case my son and I were used to having pancake breakfasts on Sat or Sunday and I made sure we kept that going whether or not my stepson is awake or not. If your stepchildren are used to their father driving them to school, absolutely keep doing that. Etc. Put up with the inconvenience because it's about protecting the feelings of love, specialness, and consistency that children like.
3) You can create new rituals that make sense for you as a blended family. In our house, neither of our exes had anything specific that they did on Christmas eve, so I make sure everyone gets a pair of Christmas jammies, we all watch the Grinch, and I make a "roast beast."
You also need to look at the material circumstances in your case. We moved into a new home because we didn't want that bad feeling that someone was coming into someone else's space. If you are moving into someone else's house, this needs it's own attention and care.
And finally I'd encourage you to be very clear that you have ultimate say over your kid(s) and he has ultimate say over his kid(s). I don't discipline my stepson and my husband doesn't discipline my son. We don't hide that from either of our kids. When my son struggled with school, it was a decision between my XH and me to locate a new school for him. We were always very clear with everyone in the family that my husband is a loving and important person, but not a "decider" over my son.
Anonymous
06/16/2016 11:09
Subject: Help me blend our family
Anonymous wrote:They are really young. Can you put the kids first and wait to get married? How long have you been divorced?
And why do you insist having them together on the same weekend?
+1
Their worlds have been upended. I think this is too much to expect of them.
Anonymous
06/16/2016 11:06
Subject: Re:Help me blend our family
As member of a blended family that didn't work out, here's what NOT to do:
-Don't just expect that they will get along or that the older child is ok with the new circumstances. You will have to facilitate things a bit. I'm willing to bet that a lot of this is due to the changing family circumstances. Have you talked with the 9yo about all of the changes? Maybe s/he is having feelings about the upcoming wedding and everyone living together and is taking it out on the 3yo. It's all normal, but you as the parent should be sensitive to this -- not just now, but as the kids grow, too.
-Is there any favoritism going on? Are you unconsciously favoring your child at the expense of the other? Is your fiancee doing the same with hers? It could be anything from how the kids get disciplined to paying more attention to one child over the other. Kids pick up on this and favoring your own child over your step-children happens a lot in blended families.
-As PPs have said, spend one-on-one time with both kids and create new family traditions.
It's good that you're aware of the dynamics and are looking for ways to make your family work!
-Don't just expect that they will get along or that the older child is ok with the new circumstances. You will have to facilitate things a bit. I'm willing to bet that a lot of this is due to the changing family circumstances. Have you talked with the 9yo about all of the changes? Maybe s/he is having feelings about the upcoming wedding and everyone living together and is taking it out on the 3yo. It's all normal, but you as the parent should be sensitive to this -- not just now, but as the kids grow, too.
-Is there any favoritism going on? Are you unconsciously favoring your child at the expense of the other? Is your fiancee doing the same with hers? It could be anything from how the kids get disciplined to paying more attention to one child over the other. Kids pick up on this and favoring your own child over your step-children happens a lot in blended families.
-As PPs have said, spend one-on-one time with both kids and create new family traditions.
It's good that you're aware of the dynamics and are looking for ways to make your family work!
Anonymous
06/16/2016 10:47
Subject: Help me blend our family
Anonymous wrote:I'm part of a blended family! Here's what my parents did that really made us "feel" like a family:
-Started new traditions/merged old ones (eating ice cream for breakfast on the last day of school, visited the same beach house every weekend in July, all kids got an ornament in their stocking from Santa)
-Spent lots of time doing fun things as a family (sledding, ice skating, playing/going to baseball games, swimming, day trips to the beach)
-Each parent made a special effort to spend one on one time with each kid. There were six of us, so it only happened about once a year, but I remember getting a mani/pedi with my mom and going to the batting cages with my stepdad. It felt really special to be alone with them.
My mom and stepdad divorced while I was in college, but I'm still close with him and my stepsiblings. Like regular families, having common memories to look back on really brings you closer.
Great advice!
Anonymous
06/16/2016 10:26
Subject: Help me blend our family
Siblings fight. My 4yo and 6yo play great together and love each other fiercely. They also fight at some point almost daily. 3 can be a very annoying age. The 9yo is used to being by themselves and used to interacting with adults/older kids. It's probably hard to them that a 3yo doesn't listen or respect boundaries the way adults/older kids do. The 3yo is probably sticking to the older one and/or driving them crazy with their constant little kid behavior.
I think the best thing you can do is to make sure the 9yo still has "space" away from the 3yo and is not expected to play/interact with them constantly. Then it will work itself out.
I think the best thing you can do is to make sure the 9yo still has "space" away from the 3yo and is not expected to play/interact with them constantly. Then it will work itself out.
Amaze0707
06/16/2016 00:59
Subject: Re:Help me blend our family
This is tough and challenging. I wonder if you have heard about an organization called Smart Stepfamilies? They do a great job assisting married or soon-to-be married in discovering how to communicate effectively and solve the everyday puzzles of stepchildren relationships. Hang in there!
Anonymous
06/15/2016 19:42
Subject: Help me blend our family
Is one child with you 100% of the time, and the other only every other weekend? If so, the "visitor" may be feeling very much left out of the dynamic and lashing out. The child who spends more time with their parent may be feeling like they're going to get less time with their parent (heck, the child who only has limited contacted is probably feeling like it's going to be even more limited.
You are going to have to work hard at this. Throwing them together because they're both kids is a recipe for disaster.
You are going to have to work hard at this. Throwing them together because they're both kids is a recipe for disaster.
Anonymous
06/15/2016 19:39
Subject: Help me blend our family
Anonymous wrote:No one could make you "like" your exs
We're not talking about ex's.