Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"offer him the choice of career coach, meds, or marriage counseling. It sounds like he is rejecting all of your ideas, so you have to make it clear that the status quo cannot continue. If you have to go nuclear by not covering for him, do it now before the job search needs to begin"

This is my vote. There is no use screwing around. You need to figure out if he is willing to change anything (doesn't sound like it), and if not if you're willing to live with it or leave.

15:37 here. This was me exactly.

DH called it a "threat." I told him it wasn't a threat, it was a fact - I had no tolerance left, and no motivation to stay any longer. He could either work with me to improve the situation, or I would leave. I meant it, and I think he knew that.

Same here. Not a threat, not an ultimatum but a fact. I couldn't - wouldn't - continue to live the way we were living. Since I can only control what I do, he needed to decide what he was going to do. I didn't relish the idea of sharing physical custody but it was better for our kid that they have one healthy home rather than the unhealthy one we were all living in. Surprisingly, DH stepped up. It's not been perfect and there's been some backsliding on occasion but as long as he's willing (and does) seek treatment, I'll work with him. I would not tolerate your situation. I'll put up with some 'unmindful' stuff but not anything that impacts our mental health.

He needs a psych and a full physical workup. He's probably ashamed of his poor performance (pretending not to notice or mind is a coping strategy), and terrified of what the doctors may find. So be compassionate. But do not back down.

Anonymous wrote:"offer him the choice of career coach, meds, or marriage counseling. It sounds like he is rejecting all of your ideas, so you have to make it clear that the status quo cannot continue. If you have to go nuclear by not covering for him, do it now before the job search needs to begin"

This is my vote. There is no use screwing around. You need to figure out if he is willing to change anything (doesn't sound like it), and if not if you're willing to live with it or leave.

15:37 here. This was me exactly.

DH called it a "threat." I told him it wasn't a threat, it was a fact - I had no tolerance left, and no motivation to stay any longer. He could either work with me to improve the situation, or I would leave. I meant it, and I think he knew that.

My DH and I have been married for almost 20 years. He started taking ADD meds about six months ago after we started marriage counseling, when I told him that I was at the end of my rope with one foot out the door. I have put up with a lot of issues for years for the sake of family peace, but with DC#2 a few years away leaving for college, my motivation for staying had reached a very low point. I told DH that either he got meds and we got counseling, or we could start divorce planning (much more expensive).

The impulse control issues in particular have taken a toll over the years.

Things are noticeably better now, in part because of the meds but also in large part because of the counseling. It is very slow going but I have more hope than I did a year ago.

Don't wait any longer, OP. Things will get much, much worse.

"offer him the choice of career coach, meds, or marriage counseling. It sounds like he is rejecting all of your ideas, so you have to make it clear that the status quo cannot continue. If you have to go nuclear by not covering for him, do it now before the job search needs to begin"

This is my vote. There is no use screwing around. You need to figure out if he is willing to change anything (doesn't sound like it), and if not if you're willing to live with it or leave.

My husband was already seeing a psychologist for issues he was causing in it relationship and no progress was being made. He had very limited mental bandwidth for the mundane but important details of daily life, and then started screwing up in big bug ways (forgetting to buckle the car seat, showing up places without important things, and finally wandering away from baby next to a full bathtub). I started suspecting ADHD and sent him in to talk to him with one of those "do you have ADHD surveys". The psychologist referred him to a doctor who immediately prescribed medication.

As another poster said, in our case the medication helped a little, but they've made my husband short-tempered in the late afternoon/evening and he still isn't willing to put in he effort to improve in other ways. He takes his medication but says stuff like "I don't even think ADHD is a real thing." Coincidentally, Alzheimer's and other forms of early dementia runs in his family and I often if some of the ADHD symptoms are really precursors to dementia. He seems to use all of his mental energy at work and there is nothing left for the rest of us. I wonder if it is the disease or if it is just apathy.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. It's lonely.

Anonymous wrote:This is way bigger than adhd. He needs to see a psychiatrist, stat. Nothing will get better with you just fiddling around the edges. Dig in your heels and insist that it's a doctor or a marriage counselor.

I would recommend doctor and marriage counselor.

We were in your shoes a year ago OP, started medication, things got worse due to personality changes, and couseling was pointless bc he refused to accept any responsibility for anything.

Now we are back to square one. No medication, no counseling. I want to try again but just need to muster up the courage. Describing this stuff second hand is worse than living it.... It makes me feel so ashamed that this is the reality of my marriage.

This is way bigger than adhd. He needs to see a psychiatrist, stat. Nothing will get better with you just fiddling around the edges. Dig in your heels and insist that it's a doctor or a marriage counselor.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, this is way worse than just Adhd. Sure, try to work on that, but this seems like a situation of real mental illness and he probably needs that addressed dirextly. Maybe avoiding seeing a doctor is because he can tell he's got a very serions problem that goes way beyond adhd. Being mired in adhd gives him cover to avoid facing it.

I agree - and my DH and 2 of my kids have ADHD.

Anonymous wrote:just curious--if he is concerned about side effect, how does he justify allowing your dd to take ADHD meds?

one of the most difficult things about ADHD is the inability to observe cause and effect, even when it is pointed out. it's very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who does not learn from his mistakes. my sympathies.

OP here, exactly the question I asked him!

He says since DD was starting to fail in class, her need was extreme so she really needed to take meds, but that he's still worried about side effects for her, and hopes she will not have to take meds all her life. A sentiment I share.
I said what about our extreme situation? To which there was no answer. He has ZERO self-awareness, and right now, it's exhausting.

just curious--if he is concerned about side effect, how does he justify allowing your dd to take ADHD meds?

one of the most difficult things about ADHD is the inability to observe cause and effect, even when it is pointed out. it's very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who does not learn from his mistakes. my sympathies.