To me it's a good sign that OP's DD is looking for social cues and imitating. Those things don't always happen in kids with ASD. That said, it may be different for girls, since less is known about girls, esp. with Aspergers. OP surely there are times when there is no one for your DD to imitate...? What does she do then? This could just be trying to fit in.

You might Google 'non verbal learning disability' or NLD. It shares characteristics of ASD.

A girl in my high school class didn't get social cues, sarcasm and had to carefully plan a conversation before having it. Otherwise she appeared 100% normal. I think it was some form of autism, but we weren't close so I didn't ask.

If I had a penny for every time a teacher (or even therapists) have told me DD had social anxiety and refuses to show what she knows because others don;t.... Those words transformed in "some kids just don;t get math" by 3rd grade, then "she should know better" in 4th grade to finally, "she's falling behind in 5th. All along, we soldiered on with an ADHD diagnostic and meds that did not seem to greatly help. The last (private) therapist we talked to finally directed us to take an actual ASD test. Her point: that feeling of "unauthenticity", the constant scanning to see what others do, the recoiling in fear when put on a spot -- to the point of withdrawing from learning -- they are often how Asperger manifests itself in girls. They are using their friends as social guidance -- a very damaging habit as they get into their teen years. I'm waiting for the result.

Funny bit. Now that I have learned more about this issue, forced by circumstances, I started to realize that my own mother (all of 82 now) is actually very similar to my daughter. All her quirks that used to drive us nuts are starting to make sense: the swing between being the social butterfly and hiding from the world, the hyperfocus on her career, her detachment from us kids, yet her intense love -- it all is making some more sense when I look at it this way.

Good part, she has had a great live, with a stable family, a husband who adores her and fairly successful children. She had a career in technology at a time when few women did. And she somehow managed to pass her quirks as a string personality, rather than weaknesses. And yes, as I was discussing with her my daughter's school challenges, she copped to having had extremely similar experiences in school...

^^ Same PP. Forgot to mention that social issues were always difficult for DD from third grade one. She had a few good friends but as they all go into college and their adult years they seem to fall to the wayside. It's very difficult for her to make friends

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all for your feedback.

I am not sure which it is ...if she is scared of not conforming or if she genuinely doesn't know what to do. I lean towards a fear of not fitting in only because she is somewhat preoccupied with being popular and wanting people to like her. On the other side of it, some times I feel like she is being inauthentic....reacting in a manner that she thinks she is supposed to rather than expressing how she feels. I am pretty sure she laughs at TV shows on her own but I'll pay closer attention.

Also, I really try to create a safe space for them (DD and twin sis) to express themselves and reassure them that whatever they feel is ok and help them figure out ways to express themselves.

I really appreciate the comments here and insights. I know no one can diagnose her over the Internet (nor am I sure there's anything to diagnose) but I figure this would be a good place to help me identify a red flag if it were waving.

It's a huge red flag for autism spectrum disorders. Girls with ASDs tend to be MUCH better at blending in and hiding their social deficits. They carefully watch the people around them and then imitate them. Their specialized interests tend to be in areas that are normal for girls, just not as intense as the girl with ASDs. They are frequently not diagnosed because they cope with their symptoms better.

Very true, our Aspie daughter was tested five times from a very early age on. We didn't get the aspergers/ASD/anxiety/ADHD disorder diagnosis until almost age 16. Girls do hide it well. However, now as a young adult trying to function in the real world, it's immediately obvious that she has aspergers/ASD. Earlier intervention would have been helpful.

Is this new behavior for her? If it is, I wonder if someone at school has teased her for laughing/not laughing at the wrong time and this is her way of managing that anxiety. I wouldn't consider it a huge problem, but it might be worth a conversation with her about why she does it.

Anonymous wrote:There are so many "huge red flags for autism" thrown around on DCUM. I would like to see some discussion of minor yellow flags sometimes.

Minor yellow flag for autism -- DC never smiled. Some babies are just serious, but he was ridiculous.

My son does not get sarcasm. He never knows to laugh at a joke that is sarcasm. He is learning. He is dyslexic, but I don't know if that matters because my other son is dyslexic and he is all about sarcasm.

We also had to teach him stuff like "raining cats and dogs" etc.

If you really listen to American's talk mostly we talk in "saying" and indirect language, which is hard for some people ... "that is crazy" "who knew" "happy as a clam" "between a rock and a hard place"

Talk to your pediatrician. Teachers/Principals whole job is to pull kids to the norm. Also, imagine it is something and your MIL did not say something.

Just tell your MIL that you have talked to the pediatrician and you are monitoring it.

My niece was partially deaf and my one SIL sort of figured it (she is a teacher) out but I thought my other SIL would think we were know it all, did not say anything... I feel bad.