Anonymous wrote:We have been married 16 years and he has never given me more than a bag of chocolates or flowers, and we're talking like 5 instances, EVER! We have a good marriage, great sex life and really love each other so why can't he do this for me? We have four children and not a lot of money, but I've told him repeatedly that I would be happy with a small thoughtful gift or even a card with a special written message. It hurts when he doesn't think of me. I hate to feel materialistic but it's not about that at all. Help!

We have been together 12 years and I get expensive jewelry mostly, sometimes other things. We have an okay marriage, practically no sex ( a few times per year, tops) and I think we love each other but there is not much demonstration from him because he is an introverted work-a-colic who is hardly ever home and when he is, he is either asleep, on the treadmill or working at home.

What would you rather have - your reality or mine?

Op here. Thank you to everyone for your suggestions. I think I just need to step it up a bit with the hand-holding in order to get to a place I'm comfortable with in this regard.

Anonymous wrote:Just another example of women refusing to be happy

I am happy, but I can't help it that it hurts my feelings. Is that so wrong?

IMO you are going to have to set the bar way lower for it to be met. I'm talking card with a personal message and a gift that isn't stuff I.e. making a special home cooked meal, it could be streak on the grill, or taking you out to a movie you want to see and he could care less. Since you said that he grew up poor and didn't exchange lots of gifts ,money is tight for you now and you have been married 16 years, trying to go all Amazon Wishlist isn't going to help.

I think a PP hit the nail on the head about fear of not being able to provide consistently. Also, it can take him back to memories of not having much to exhange as kids. I also think it is tough to really be creative with material things on a budget unless you are naturally creative. Experiences can be the way to go. If I only have $40 to spend, there is going to be a lot that I can't afford that you want. I can maybe get something exactly what you want but likely you would have to tell me exactly what you want in which case you could really get it for yourself assuming we have the money. When someone says , what did you do for your birthday, you will say, oh I got this watch, knitting set, coffee mug and books ...whatever material thing that cost $40 or less. And you would have had to nag the crap out of DH for him to get it. I imagine like the girl in Willy Wonks Veruca Salt. Now a thoughtful experience like he made your favorite meal or he took you out to a RomCom movie you really wanted to see while the kids were in school or he helped with a babysitting swap so he could take you out to a play put on at the college. Those romantic, thoughtful, tailored to you, inexpensive experiences that you can't easily do by yourself and get you spending more time with him ...maybe you can sway him. Also since the experience itself is something in the price range, there isn't this focus on what he isn't able to buy, like when you walk all the way thru the store to get to the mark downs or know you can only look at X store to afford the gifts. I also think you have higher moral ground asking for his time and something where he spends time with you doing something you enjoy than saying buy me stuff to show you care.

MyDH was like this early on but I have now trained him to buy me gifts and write me cards. It took a lot of failures, though, to get here. But OP, I do not at all think you're being childish to want a small gift on a special occasion! I absolutely do, too. I don't think it should be a deal breaker in an otherwise good, kind husband but I think you can work on it.

My advice is to tell him EXACTLY what you want, ahead of time. Send him an email with three affordable items in it and say that you would love one of the three for your birthday. Tell him that you would like to go out to dinner with X friends or have people at your house or whatever. Hold his hand and walk him through it and don't let him fail. Good luck!

Take the test in th back of the love languages book and have him take it - read the summaries and then talk - worked for us a few years ago

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's not his love language. My DH is not great at it either unless I pout out exactly what I want and when. And id love a card with an actual written sentiment instead of just signing his name to the ore printed message. But guess what, his parents are lovely but give pretty bad presents and I have never seen them give him or me a card with more than their name signed in it. Just not sown thing that's done in their family so he had no way to learn. My parents are great and over zealous gift givers and write paragraphs in cards so I just had to get used to the difference and that that's not normal either.
Keep a running Amazon wish list, point him to it, say you'd like something from the list at every holiday/bday. Ask him to keep a list too. Appreciate the ways he expresses his love for you in other ways as well.

Great suggestion. If his instinct his not to be a gift-giver, he'll need guidance.

It sounds like he's given you the "small gifts" you've asked for.

Chocolate and flowers are probably a huge deal to him especially if he grew up very poor.

It's not wrong to want your love language to be met. This is the problem it's a disconnect of love languages- for you it's gifts for him it's spending time and doing things for the other person. So talk about that with him. Don't pout or blame. Just talk.

The other thing is he grew up very poor, when people grow up in that situation there's a constant worry that they'll go back to that no matter where they currently are in life. He probably fears being poor again and worries he won't be able to provide you with all the luxuries if you get used to them.

how childish, op

While a nice handwritten card on occasion would be a lovely gesture OP, in all honesty it really isn't a "guy" thing.

Many men simply wouldn't take the time, inclination & effort to do this.

If he is an excellent hubby in every other way (which it sounds like he is!), I would let this one go.

Gift giving just may not be one of his strengths.
And that is okay.