Op her being defensive is not an excuse for you not acting. You should not tolerate her berating a loved one. I wouldn't worry about - exactly - what you say. You deserve the expectation that you won't always say the perfect thing. That's how adults relate to each other.

Just say factually and objectively. "You're being a bitch. Quit it."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything about her behavior. I would talk to her about what she's going through, express empathy, maybe do something special with her. Emphasize that your proud of her regardless of her job search. Help her feel better, she'll treat others better. It's hard to celebrate someone else's success when you are going through a rough patch. Yes, it's petty, but even adults have a hard time. Praise any positive interactions you see between the two!

She is not a four year old. She is a young adult.

You tell her to knock it off, she is being immature and rude and not acting like an adult, and that as a memeber of this family we support each other and celebrate and acknowledge each other's achievements. You tell her she is not a 13 yeat old going through middle school and puberty so she needs to quit acting like one, and if she must be rude she needs to not say anything at all.

+100

This

Anonymous wrote:Some people were just not meant to have siblings. Once they are out of the house they never have to see or speak to each other again right ? Wait for that moment. As long as it's not physical you really can't make someone like someone else.

No, but you CAN make someone speak to someone respectfully. This is her daughter, not a colleague, she doesn't have to be scared to talk to her or direct her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything about her behavior. I would talk to her about what she's going through, express empathy, maybe do something special with her. Emphasize that your proud of her regardless of her job search. Help her feel better, she'll treat others better. It's hard to celebrate someone else's success when you are going through a rough patch. Yes, it's petty, but even adults have a hard time. Praise any positive interactions you see between the two!

Give me a break. Just because it's hard doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. This young woman isn't going to have many friends in life if she can't be gracious about others' successes and good news. OP should absolutely say something to her DD -- it's a lesson that needs to be learned. I disagree with PP above that an entire generation is going down the tubes, though. There are plenty of empathetic and hard-working young adults around who know what it means to fail and to feel bad.

Yes, but a vast majority of them do not.

Ask any teacher or coach who works with teens. Ask college professors about the change in the "self esteeme" level of young adults as a group and of their inability to deal with anynegative reaction at all.

I'm a college professor and although some people of this generation are astonished to receive honest feedback, they want and need it.

I wish every parent would speak honestly with their kids; that they'd set high but transparent and clear standards and hold their children to them; that they'd be more interested in helping their offspring develop the tools to succeed than doing things for them and helping them build a resumé that only reflects someone else's effort.

The 18-22 year olds with whom I work daily are surprised by high standards and demands for independence but they overwhelmingly want to grow up and cut it. Unfortunately for them, they have to spend half of their energy freshman year just learning to suck it up and be the kid I was at 17 my freshman year.

That's on their parents. They have not even been offered the chance to sink or swim. Ever.

I teach this age group. I say this with much love for teens-- they are snots sometimes. Part of our job is to teach them to get their heads out of their asses. Have the "where is this coming from?" conversation, sure, preferably during a calm period BEFORE the next time the smartass comment happens. Maybe there's something you can help with. Maybe younger sis is being intentionally obnixious when you're not witnessing it. But as part of it, you lay down the "regardless of where it's coming from, knock it off."

How old is the younger sister? Why doesn't she handle it herself?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything about her behavior. I would talk to her about what she's going through, express empathy, maybe do something special with her. Emphasize that your proud of her regardless of her job search. Help her feel better, she'll treat others better. It's hard to celebrate someone else's success when you are going through a rough patch. Yes, it's petty, but even adults have a hard time. Praise any positive interactions you see between the two!

She is not a four year old. She is a young adult.

You tell her to knock it off, she is being immature and rude and not acting like an adult, and that as a memeber of this family we support each other and celebrate and acknowledge each other's achievements. You tell her she is not a 13 yeat old going through middle school and puberty so she needs to quit acting like one, and if she must be rude she needs to not say anything at all.

+1

Say it in a neutral tone of voice though - not one that expresses disappointment (let your words do that). Practice if you need to when she's not around. Just an acknowledgement that it was rude is enough, and that if she can't say anything nice she shouldn't say anything at all.

No.

You express disappointment.

Strong tone is fine.

Geez.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything about her behavior. I would talk to her about what she's going through, express empathy, maybe do something special with her. Emphasize that your proud of her regardless of her job search. Help her feel better, she'll treat others better. It's hard to celebrate someone else's success when you are going through a rough patch. Yes, it's petty, but even adults have a hard time. Praise any positive interactions you see between the two!

She is not a four year old. She is a young adult.

You tell her to knock it off, she is being immature and rude and not acting like an adult, and that as a memeber of this family we support each other and celebrate and acknowledge each other's achievements. You tell her she is not a 13 yeat old going through middle school and puberty so she needs to quit acting like one, and if she must be rude she needs to not say anything at all.

+1

Say it in a neutral tone of voice though - not one that expresses disappointment (let your words do that). Practice if you need to when she's not around. Just an acknowledgement that it was rude is enough, and that if she can't say anything nice she shouldn't say anything at all.

My mother always favored my younger sib to an extreme degree. It really hurt to never feel good enough. Maybe you aren't aware of how your favoritism manifests.

Anonymous wrote:I think you can sit down with your daughter and ask her questions.

Ask her how she would feel if she made an announcement and were greeted with eyerolling/snarkiness, etc.
Ask her how she would feel if she were in public -- on transportation, a restaurant, and viewed an interaction in a family in which snarkiness/sarcasm was a response. What would her perception be of the family?

I also think that you and your husband need to make sure to cut back on any sarcastic comments you two make to make sure there isn't a payoff for sarcasm in your family.

"how would you feel" would get eye rolls out of my teen. your kid is perfectly aware that it t would not feel good to have her accomplishments diminished. That is why she is doing this.

My bet is that the behavior is aimed at you, and not at the younger kid, although that doesn't change the fact that the behavior must stop.

Anonymous wrote:My sister was always like that to me... you know where it came from, my parents. There is fare more to her behavior than just being mean.

Yup. Why is this mom putting the teen before the tween.

As for OP. Don't bother says that you are disappointed since that word will make the teen bristle without achieving your goal. I'd stick to the fact that her words and tone have been mean and that this must change. You should talk to her in private, and give her a chance to speak about the why, but insist that it stop. Please don't say "how would it make you feel" because that is condescending.

I think you can sit down with your daughter and ask her questions.

Ask her how she would feel if she made an announcement and were greeted with eyerolling/snarkiness, etc.
Ask her how she would feel if she were in public -- on transportation, a restaurant, and viewed an interaction in a family in which snarkiness/sarcasm was a response. What would her perception be of the family?

I also think that you and your husband need to make sure to cut back on any sarcastic comments you two make to make sure there isn't a payoff for sarcasm in your family.

Some people were just not meant to have siblings. Once they are out of the house they never have to see or speak to each other again right ? Wait for that moment. As long as it's not physical you really can't make someone like someone else.

My sister was always like that to me... you know where it came from, my parents. There is fare more to her behavior than just being mean.