I disagree with the PPs saying it's none of your business. Are your finances jointly managed? Then it's definitely your business.

If you & your husband can't come to an agreement on how to handle this, then separate your finances, and agree on what % each of your incomes is joint, and how much is separate, ie - available to him to do things without your consent.

This can be so much easier. In our family, if stepson needs something, the ex wife just tells my husband what our 50/% of that is. So for instance last month my husband just let me know to add $650 to the child support check for school registration and prom. Done.

When stepson is with us *we ask him* is there anything he needs. New shorts? Shoes? Haircut? Swim trunks? And we will take him shopping and get it. That way she isn't having to nickel and dime my DH for small stuff, DSS gets what he needs, and we just send 50% of the cost of the big stuff.

They should have a child/support agreement through the courts.
He should be ordered by a judge to pay a certain amount per month and have the $$ automatically deducted from his paycheck.

And that is the amount he owes her and not a penny more.
If he continues to dole out cash to her, then since a child is involved it may be best if you let them hash it out.

Easier said than done I acknowledge, but if you married him....Remember this.
You also married into this ongoing situation too.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was it on her to pick the shoes, clothes, etc? Take the kid shopping for goodness sake!

Right! The ex has to tell you what size your husband's child wears? There are multiple problems here.

Someone always has to turn it around.

He's TRYING to be helpful. Sounds to me like "give me a list, I'll get it" kind of thing. If it's really what she needs giving him a list shouldn't be a problem.

Although OP it might be much simpler to take her shopping. She gets what she needs and hopefully wants (who knows with kids, right?) and her dad has paid for it.

My BIL's ex had to provide him with all details of any extra activities, and he paid half to the place itself. Another friend pays for the extras out of pocket and submits receipts to her ex for repayment.

If your dh's ex won't provide that sort of information to register her then personally I wouldn't give her the money for those things. For clothes and shoes take her shopping yourselves.

Anonymous wrote:Why was it on her to pick the shoes, clothes, etc? Take the kid shopping for goodness sake!

Right! The ex has to tell you what size your husband's child wears? There are multiple problems here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he pay court-ordered child support?

Yes and she still asks for money!

Do you have money to give? Then what's the problem?

This is really none of your business?

How is it none of my business when it's money coming out of our joint account?

Totally your business. I think you are getting opinions from angry ex-wives, though they won't likely admit it. We paid child support (I say"paid" because we gained physical custody a couple of years after they divorced). She got what the court ordered and not one dime more. We often chose to do more for the kids when they were with us. But we never gave her anything more than the court ordered amount. It's not our job to support a grown ass woman.

In our case, she never figured out how to live on 2700 a month tax free in a little town in Georgia. That was our child support for two kids. She didn't get a job and she wasted money on trips, cosmetic surgery, eating out, . ... In the end, the court found that we could provide more stability. We got the kids. Child support ended. She actually had to work like the rest of the grown ups in the world.

By all means, buy the kids stuff. Pay for camps and lessons if you choose. But pay directly to the business. Nothing extra to the X.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he pay court-ordered child support?

Yes and she still asks for money!

Do you have money to give? Then what's the problem?

This is really none of your business?

How is it none of my business when it's money coming out of our joint account?

You need to let him know this is making you rethink your future. My friend divorced her husband who kept giving his leechy grown kids money. It was either divorces, or some other nonsense because they were losers. He would also do it behind her back. She threatened to divorce him, he did it again and she did. The odd thing is he was so upset, but she moved on and ended up with another guy. She was 50 years old, he was giving away their retirement money. At least now she has half.

The daughter is part of the package, the ex wife is not. This is where you need nip all this nonsense. This loser ex knows what she is doing.

It's both of your money, so it needs to be a joint decision. Sorry but we've had relatives like this, they will suck you dry and the money goes in the toilet. It's like the Nigerian scam, neither of you should fund her poor life decisions and her poor money management. She's playing you.

I think it's time to cut the cord from the ex, disengage completely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he pay court-ordered child support?

Yes and she still asks for money!

Do you have money to give? Then what's the problem?

This is really none of your business?

How is it none of my business when it's money coming out of our joint account?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing. You do nothing. He will either continue to allow it or he will put his foot down.

Why does he cave? Is she right that she's struggling because of him? Who initiated the divorce? He may also be taking the path of least resistance and giving her the money to avoid a bigger fight.

Either way, you do nothing because there's no win for you here.

He initiated the divorce, but she's struggling because she doesn't know how to spend her money wisely.

So he broke his vows. It is until DEATH do you part.

They were separated and she started dating someone else that's why he went ahead and initiated the divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was it on her to pick the shoes, clothes, etc? Take the kid shopping for goodness sake!

I think you're missing the point.

Who knows how she is actually spending her money. She already gets child support.

No she doesn't. The child does.

Mom gets alimony, child gets child support but mother can spend it how she chooses, and if she chooses not to spend it on the child, its ok as there is no accountability for how it is spent, only if it is sent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We got fed up and told her that we would be happy to pay for needs directly. Child wants to play soccer and mom will not use child support. Fine, send us the flyer and we will send the coach the payment. Send us what cleats he wants and other needs and we will send them. Need clothing. Ok, send a wish list with sizes, colors and brands. Need shoes, ok pick reasonably priced and we will buy. Need school supplies, send a list. Never heard back so apparently the need was fake or she wanted to take credit and slam dad for not helping.

D this.

My family runs a kid business.

Most moms put the kids first.

Some do not. They take the dance tuitionnor soccer fees and spend it on whatever.

If she wants more, pay the gymnastics tuition directly, the clothing store directly (or clothing store gift cards), the school tuition directly. Purchase the year books, make a separate check out directly to the camp.

Most kids activities are happy with this type of arrangement in divorce situations.

We actually stopped with the gift cards as she'd use them to buy the stuff and take credit for it. She'd then call dad a deadbeat for not sending more money (she pretended she didn't get child support). We'd also just regularly send stuff and generally the kids never got it despite confirmation it was delivered from the post office. My husband's ex would ask for the money to get a reaction out of him. Originally he could not afford it, but I'd help with some of the extra's so she figured she was entitled to my money too. We have no idea where the child support went as boyfriend paid the rent and major bills, she wasn't a drug addict and she wasn't lavishly spending on herself (nor did she save it).

Anonymous wrote:We got fed up and told her that we would be happy to pay for needs directly. Child wants to play soccer and mom will not use child support. Fine, send us the flyer and we will send the coach the payment. Send us what cleats he wants and other needs and we will send them. Need clothing. Ok, send a wish list with sizes, colors and brands. Need shoes, ok pick reasonably priced and we will buy. Need school supplies, send a list. Never heard back so apparently the need was fake or she wanted to take credit and slam dad for not helping.

D this.

My family runs a kid business.

Most moms put the kids first.

Some do not. They take the dance tuitionnor soccer fees and spend it on whatever.

If she wants more, pay the gymnastics tuition directly, the clothing store directly (or clothing store gift cards), the school tuition directly. Purchase the year books, make a separate check out directly to the camp.

Most kids activities are happy with this type of arrangement in divorce situations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was it on her to pick the shoes, clothes, etc? Take the kid shopping for goodness sake!

I think you're missing the point.

Who knows how she is actually spending her money. She already gets child support.

No she doesn't. The child does.

Anonymous wrote:Why was it on her to pick the shoes, clothes, etc? Take the kid shopping for goodness sake!

I think you're missing the point.

Who knows how she is actually spending her money. She already gets child support.