Anonymous
Post 05/30/2016 23:10     Subject: Re:people who alienate friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I dropped out of a lot of people's lives, both from high school and from college. I have battled severe depression and PTSD for huge portions of my life, along with anxiety attacks. I am sorry that I did that to my friends. They deserved better. I was just trying to keep my head above water, though.

I am wary about making new friends, now, because I know that my mental health issues can make me flakey and not a good friend.




I'm similar. I blame some of my problems on moving often as a child and adolescent. I learned to fit in, get along well, not stand out but blend in and make superficial friendships. It was easier to leave with fewer strings attached. So I kind of developed a terrible habit of never establishing roots in a friend relationship. Still something I grapple with today. I have a very very hard time maintaining friendships because deep, close friendships end up becoming burdensome for me.



No history of moving, not fitting in, abuse or family dynamics issues but the bolded rings true for me. People end up being too needy or repetitive for me to bother with. If I can ghost, I do. I've actually never left a job without ghosting. You can get away with it with co-workers when you are no longer having to be physically together anymore.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2016 22:43     Subject: people who alienate friends
Anonymous wrote:Work friend: Is in the Witness Protection Program and had to be moved quickly because the bad guys found out where she was.


Anonymous
Post 05/30/2016 19:18     Subject: Re:people who alienate friends
Sometimes it's just hard to maintain the relationships when you don't share the connection anymore, like the workplace or school. They could also have been sad and didn't want to cry.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2016 13:39     Subject: people who alienate friends
For what it's worth, my mother does this, even to family members. It's called "splitting" in borderline personality disorder cases. She splits off anyone who disagrees with her. OCD, paranoid, huge hoarder. We never know if we are "in" with her or "out". It varies. Sometimes we get the Glenda mother who wants to reach out. Sometimes we (children) get the wicked witch. Right now it's the latter. She hung up on me in September and hasn't tried to reach out since then. Very very sad.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2016 12:04     Subject: people who alienate friends
I've done this so many times, including recently with a friend of 8 years. It's complicated. I am really messed up and trying to get better (tons of therapy).
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2016 08:59     Subject: people who alienate friends
Work friend: Is in the Witness Protection Program and had to be moved quickly because the bad guys found out where she was.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2016 08:19     Subject: Re:people who alienate friends
Some people really do not have a need for friendships. They have acquaintances, but nothing deep. I am like that. I have never needed close friends.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2016 08:39     Subject: Re:people who alienate friends
Enjoying somebody's company at work doesn't mean they're a part of your life. Bonding over how much your boss or client sucks isn't the same as being close as people.

I'm middle aged and if I tried to keep up with friends from high school, college and law school plus 10 work places I would never see my family or the friends I've made through neighborhoods or kids' schools.

I've kept some work friends long term but not that many. Maybe 4-6 out of ten jobs, though I'm happy to see others at events.

+1000 to things going on in people's lives, too. Sometimes work transitions are tied to difficult life circumstances. I left a job I loved because of work-family balance when my spouse refused to make good on his promise to share responsibility. I left another job because a board member sexually harassed me and I couldn't take it anymore, so I took a huge pay cut to get the hell out of there.

When you're dealing with things like that, you have a choice: focus on the things and people that sustain you or try to please people who don't at that point. I'd say goodbye if at all possible but I didn't at the job with the pervy board member. Fortunately the people at work have their own lives too and can go home and enjoy them.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2016 07:43     Subject: people who alienate friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I would have a lot of sympathy for them - clearly something is not quite right.
If you don't want to reach out to them (they are probably depressed and such) then at least don't hate them. You are not the problem.



+1

OP, you're seeing this entirely through your own lens of "They must not be good friends to do this to me." If you liked them, why didn't you try to find out if something was wrong and if you could help? "Poof, gone" can actually be a huge red flag that someone has serious trouble and it's not about you.

When people suddenly fall off the radar, it does not necessarily mean they are ditching you because they're bad people or dislike you. They may be having issues that you know absolutely nothing about and which make them embarrassed, or upset, or depressed to the point they feel they have no right to contact friends or acquaintances because they're so low and would only make others feel bad. This is how depressed people sometimes think, and then they cut themselves off. So do people who are grieving, or breaking up a relationship, or just feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you, yourself, would not react like that -- but can you accept that others might do it, and can you cut them slack?

Please show some sympathy and give others the benefit of the doubt. Real friends would first think, "Is something wrong and can I help?" rather than thinking, "She didn't stay in touch/didn't respond to me as I wanted, so I'm offended, and won't reach out. It's all on him/her." Maybe instead you could try contacting them again and saying, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in a long time but I remember what made us friends and would like to see you again, and if something's up, I'm here to talk it out if you want."




+1000. I am in the midst of a very challenging time in my life, with family members having serious health and personal issues that require my attention.. It is like being under siege and I am close to burn out. I feel like I only have so much energy for socializing with people that are not very close to me. My life currently is not the stuff of light conversation. It is not about them at all.


+ 2 In addition, accommodating other people during a time like this when they don't understand your coping mechanism is a drain for me.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2016 06:28     Subject: people who alienate friends
Some people react to pain by avoiding it completely, OP.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2016 04:00     Subject: people who alienate friends
Some people are awful with goodbyes. Don't take it personally. Clearly you're not the only one your coworker cut off. Maybe she was laid off or felt pushed out and just wanted a clean fresh start.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2016 03:54     Subject: people who alienate friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I would have a lot of sympathy for them - clearly something is not quite right.
If you don't want to reach out to them (they are probably depressed and such) then at least don't hate them. You are not the problem.



+1

OP, you're seeing this entirely through your own lens of "They must not be good friends to do this to me." If you liked them, why didn't you try to find out if something was wrong and if you could help? "Poof, gone" can actually be a huge red flag that someone has serious trouble and it's not about you.

When people suddenly fall off the radar, it does not necessarily mean they are ditching you because they're bad people or dislike you. They may be having issues that you know absolutely nothing about and which make them embarrassed, or upset, or depressed to the point they feel they have no right to contact friends or acquaintances because they're so low and would only make others feel bad. This is how depressed people sometimes think, and then they cut themselves off. So do people who are grieving, or breaking up a relationship, or just feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you, yourself, would not react like that -- but can you accept that others might do it, and can you cut them slack?

Please show some sympathy and give others the benefit of the doubt. Real friends would first think, "Is something wrong and can I help?" rather than thinking, "She didn't stay in touch/didn't respond to me as I wanted, so I'm offended, and won't reach out. It's all on him/her." Maybe instead you could try contacting them again and saying, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in a long time but I remember what made us friends and would like to see you again, and if something's up, I'm here to talk it out if you want."




+1000. I am in the midst of a very challenging time in my life, with family members having serious health and personal issues that require my attention.. It is like being under siege and I am close to burn out. I feel like I only have so much energy for socializing with people that are not very close to me. My life currently is not the stuff of light conversation. It is not about them at all.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2016 00:21     Subject: people who alienate friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently. Turns out we both had friends who at some point just literally stopped talking to his/her friends. A former friend of mine did this after she quit the place where we both worked. On her last day of work (after working there for two years, becoming friends with a few of us, getting drinks after work, attending events with us) she didn't even say goodbye to people-- she just walked out. That night, I tried to call her and she didn't return any calls. Another coworker reached out-- same thing. She just vanished and seemed to want nothing to do with anyone. It was so strange because I honestly thought we were good friends, and so did others. No one could say what happened, if they had a fallout with her or anything. Everyone thought they were on good terms, and then, poof, gone.

Same time happened with someone in college. On the last day of school she just got really quiet, wouldn't look at anyone and pretty much just disappeared after the last day of classes. I saw her at graduation, where she just gave me a weird smile and looked down, and that was it. This one girl who seemed to be her closest friend was really offended afterward and couldn't pinpoint anything that would have made this person just stop talking to her.

What's the deal with people who do this? One moment you're best friends, the next, they don't even want to acknowledge yo/


Let me repeat this just one more time - WORK FRIENDS ARE NOT REAL FRIENDS. period. sorry.

Re your college friend, something may have been happening in her personal life that she couldn't deal with/share and so she just shut people out. This happened to me, but I was in my early teens.

PREACH! Amen to that. I wish I'd learned this a lot earlier in life.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2016 20:14     Subject: people who alienate friends
Anonymous wrote:Plus - I don't agree that work friends are never real friends. That hasn't been the case in my life.



Maybe not for you but it's common.

I work in a small industry and have developed some close friendships through my career but by in large once, I stop working with someone our contact is limited to LinkedIn and bumping into them occasional industry event. I was at my last job for close to four years. There was a happy hour for me the week I left but I didn't make a big deal about saying goodbye on my last day. In the year since I left I've had very little contact with my colleagues there. Even the ones I lunched with and confided in. The limited contact is about work stuff, checking a reference or asking an opinion. there has been nothing specifically social.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2016 18:29     Subject: people who alienate friends
Plus - I don't agree that work friends are never real friends. That hasn't been the case in my life.