Anonymous wrote:I noticed some posters encouraging a wive or husband to stay in a marriage with a cheating spouse. I keep reading comments like " seek counseling" " work it though" and "don't get divorced"

Why would anyone advice a person to stay in a marriage with someone who cheated on them regardless if they are children involved? Some people just donot understand what cheating is and its impact to any relationship? Are the people encouraging this miserable and just want company?
Is this a self-esteem problem? I have always believed you lower self-worth staying in a relationship with a cheater. It's accepting mediocrity into your life.It's settling for the lowest. A person who cheats is a coward. Why would you want be with a coward? It's welcoming misery into you life. We have too many single men and women on the planet to have settle for a cheater. Why lower your standards?

Why would anyone advise a person to stay in a marriage with a cheater? Because of the deep sexism in our society. Because that sexism in our culture has long made women responsible for both stirring up and restraining man's passion. And so, we still blame women for the sexual lives of their male partners. The unspoken stigma of cheating is that the man must have cheated because he was not satisfied in the marriage. Perhaps the wife didn't take care of him sexually. Perhaps there was some emotional need of his not being met. Perhaps she was too shrewish or bossy. The entire premise of marital counseling for infidelity is that there is something wrong in the marriage and that marriage failure is in equal part the failure of the victim partner.

And, I say "man" above, because the truth is that when a woman cheats, the man is encouraged to divorce. You don't see many cuckolded men being advised to "work it through".

You too are blaming the woman by asking if it is a "self-esteem" problem. Do you have any idea how hard it must be to leave a cheater when vast swathes of our culture are telling us women that it's our fault? How many years did it take the culture to come to the conclusion that "date rape" was rape by the perpetrator and not the fault of the victim? So, we haven't gotten anywhere close to there yet with infidelity, i.e. placing the blame on the perpetrator of the behavior (and the lies and the manipulation, etc.) and not the victim.

Do you have any idea how hard it is for someone who has been sexually victimized by the cheater to then take voluntary actions that are likely to have a further negative impact -- losing 50% custody of the children, losing economic benefits, etc. Yes, there is a huge gain in leaving a cheater; one doesn't have to live with that kind of emotional abuse any more. But, let's not kid ourselves. Sadly, when women are open about the sexual violence against them, they often suffer additional repercussions.

I can guarantee you, if the law said that cheaters lose custody of their children and the victim spouse receives the marital home and enough money to continue the lifestyle the victim spouse and kids had prior to the cheating, there isn't a woman alive who wouldn't DTMF.

I divorced over cheating. But not until the third time he cheated. Which was a mistake. Whatever was ethically wrong with him did not change.

However, I believed in my vows, which did not include an escape clause. So I forgave, tried therapy, etc. Anything to avoid divorce. I wish it had worked. I wish he could have changed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I noticed some posters encouraging a wive or husband to stay in a marriage with a cheating spouse. I keep reading comments like " seek counseling" " work it though" and "don't get divorced"

Why would anyone advice a person to stay in a marriage with someone who cheated on them regardless if they are children involved? Some people just donot understand what cheating is and its impact to any relationship? Are the people encouraging this miserable and just want company?
Is this a self-esteem problem? I have always believed you lower self-worth staying in a relationship with a cheater. It's accepting mediocrity into your life.It's settling for the lowest. A person who cheats is a coward. Why would you want be with a coward? It's welcoming misery into you life. We have too many single men and women on the planet to have settle for a cheater. Why lower your standards?

It sounds like you are trying to arrive at a single answer: yes or no. The devil is in the details. While some relationships may not be worth saving, others may be deemed important enough to start anew. The way you paint it in black and white tells me you are younger and somewhat naive. As you grow older, you'll learn to see other colors, make imperfect choices, compromise. What you call accepting mediocrity is not necessarily welcoming misery in your life. But expecting perfection at every turn most certainly is.

This is what I find problematic about the "cheating is an unforgivable offense that should end in divorce" panacea. It really does a disservice to the notion of thinking carefully about your life and how it will proceed and what's best for everyone and creates this notion that if you stay with someone who cheats on you you're "accepting mediocrity" or "have no self esteem" or are some kind of idiot. There's a lot of people who I bet rushed into divorce thanks to this rhetoric who, once the dust had settled, probably wish they would have found a way to forgive and work on the marriage rather than rushing into divorce as if it was a cure-all. It simply creates so many more complex and lifelong problems.

Anonymous wrote:Being in a marriage with someone that you can not trust would mean having the potential for catastrophe looming over your head at any time...you've just turned a blind eye to it and chose to bury your head.

I agree that single cat lady sounds better than sitting on a time bomb waiting for it to explode.

I think not.

If anybody has personal experience with both and cares to chime in, I'm all ears.

Anonymous wrote:I noticed some posters encouraging a wive or husband to stay in a marriage with a cheating spouse. I keep reading comments like " seek counseling" " work it though" and "don't get divorced"

Why would anyone advice a person to stay in a marriage with someone who cheated on them regardless if they are children involved? Some people just donot understand what cheating is and its impact to any relationship? Are the people encouraging this miserable and just want company?
Is this a self-esteem problem? I have always believed you lower self-worth staying in a relationship with a cheater. It's accepting mediocrity into your life.It's settling for the lowest. A person who cheats is a coward. Why would you want be with a coward? It's welcoming misery into you life. We have too many single men and women on the planet to have settle for a cheater. Why lower your standards?

It sounds like you are trying to arrive at a single answer: yes or no. The devil is in the details. While some relationships may not be worth saving, others may be deemed important enough to start anew. The way you paint it in black and white tells me you are younger and somewhat naive. As you grow older, you'll learn to see other colors, make imperfect choices, compromise. What you call accepting mediocrity is not necessarily welcoming misery in your life. But expecting perfection at every turn most certainly is.

Because the popular opinion in our culture if you're cheated on is to BURN IT DOWN, but if people are able to be contemplative and weigh the negative outcomes of divorce vs. the positive, they just might decide that they could live with the indiscretion. It's all about having a voice that outweighs the constant chants of "If you stay with a cheater you have no self-respect." In some cases that might be true. In some cases it might mean a person just decided that getting divorced and losing time with their kids and being financially decimated and having to split property and lose relationships with friends and in laws just was more painful than the idea that their spouse strayed.

Being in a marriage with someone that you can not trust would mean having the potential for catastrophe looming over your head at any time...you've just turned a blind eye to it and chose to bury your head.

I agree that single cat lady sounds better than sitting on a time bomb waiting for it to explode.

I don't see this. Usually, the opinions split about 50/50.

Anonymous wrote:For the average family divorce can be a financial catastrophe.

I think finances, spending 50% less time with the kids, having new partner (girlfriend or 2nd wife) have influence over your kids, and having to date again are the main reasons for women. I think men are far less likely to stay with a cheating spouse, while he remains faithful.

In some ways it isn't an easy path to divorce when you have kids so you want to be sure. There are people that can really move past infidelity and the marriage comes out stronger but I think most weigh the pros and cons in their mind and they are getting enough out of the deal to stay to make it not worth leaving.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's one of those things that you don't exactly know how you'll handle until you face the specific situation. Your age, finances, health, and whether you have children at home all matter. You can have a good idea of what your tolerance might be for dealing with someone who'd betrayed your trust, but it's not black and white when you get there.

If you're 30 and have no kids, by all means, I'd divorce and start over. If you're 50, with kids, it's different.

For me, the fact that we have kids to consider, that we'd be wiped out financially if we split and the kids would lose their home, their schools/friends, and be reduced to FARMS level, was a huge thing. Could I be a grown-up and work through my feelings while I continued to do what it takes to create a stable home for my kids? The least I can do is try. Kids don't actually care about their parents' love lives. They want home, school, friends, and family to stay stable, barring actual abuse.

Another thing was that I also discovered that I didn't suddenly stop loving him because of what he'd done. He hadn't stopped loving me. These factors made me feel I should stay and give us a chance to work through it, as long as he put in the work to make huge changes and deal with the issues that had lead him to do the things he'd been doing.

I don't know what the future holds. As long as he keeps working on things, so do I. Maybe once the kids are grown, it will no longer feel worth it for me to continue with him. Maybe we'll be able to rebuild and keep growing.

This probably the wisest thing I've read on DCUM.

Anonymous wrote:I am the opposite of you, OP. I don't get the anger over cheating and what that, of all reasons, leads to divorce if the marriage is otherwise good.

Hypothetically, if my wife cheated, it wouldn't really be close to the worst thing she could do. It's sex. Big whoop. We have both had sex with others before marriage. I would be far more pissed if she gambled away our finances, or was an abusive mom.

This is how I feel too. I guess it's the French view? I told my husband from the beginning if he ever cheated just don't tell me. I think asking someone to be monogamous for 40 plus years is unrealistic. As long as he was discreet I wouldn't care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the opposite of you, OP. I don't get the anger over cheating and what that, of all reasons, leads to divorce if the marriage is otherwise good.

Hypothetically, if my wife cheated, it wouldn't really be close to the worst thing she could do. It's sex. Big whoop. We have both had sex with others before marriage. I would be far more pissed if she gambled away our finances, or was an abusive mom.

So there is a study that was being discussed on the radio which said that on average we only spent .45% of our total time on earth having sex. From that standpoint I'd agree. BUT what happens when they have sex and fall in love ? Not much of your selfish POS partner left for you right.

You raise a point that highlights why I think the OP's views don't reflect most people. What kind of cheating are we talking about? One night stand at a convention? Totally forgivable for me - heck, most people have a strong desire to do that. Long affair with expressions of love and no remorse for getting caught? A different ball of wax.

I'm #teamop on this one.

Just because you will have to make changes in your life is not good enough reason to accept infidelity in matrimony.

If you agree to remain in a marriage where your spouse has broken a very important promise & bond that were the true foundations of your marriage, then what is left that is still sacred??!

Nothing. At. All.

If you turn the other cheek + remain w/your spouse after they commit life's most betraying transgression than you automatically are settling for a life that is much less than you deserve to lead. And your spouse will never ever respect you as a person even though they claim they will. They will never see you w/the same eyes they once did. Your dignity will be completely non-existent.
As long as you stay.

I know divorce is HUGE.
It co$ts a ton, both financially as well as personally.
Standards of living go down and children may have to go back & forth regarding where they will live.

But understand this:
If you remain married to someone + continue living under one roof, you will only be settling and though no one falls out of love overnight, in time your feelings towards your spouse will erode as the years pass.

As a parent, it is our responsibility to keep things 100% authentic for our children.
To teach them by example to possess self-worth for themselves.

The best way to teach them this very necessary trait is by leading by example.

And taking a lying, cheating spouse back will send a very harmful + destructive message to them.

Because when they become adults they will continue the vicious cycle.

I agree. I would rather be a crazy cat loving spinster in my 70s than to deal chronic cheating. Why bother.

If my wife asked me about an open marriage and we had a serious talk about monogamy and went through with it, I would be OK. But cheating would make be wonder what else she is lying about. And with the kids grown up, why would I stick around?