Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I have the best of all worlds. My male partner and I have been together for 10 years. We're not married though. I wanted children and he was ambivalent. He has older kids and had a vasectomy. So the kids are all mine even though we raise them together.

For big decisions we discuss what to do but the reality is, I get to make the final decision. When it was time to get a passport, he didn't need to come. When it was time to go through Child Find, he was involved but he didn't have to sign anything and really had no say. It makes scheduling appointments much easier.

I find that it makes life much easier. Financially, I owned our house before him and before the kids. I make enough to support me and kids if we ever separate. I've put away for their college funds and my retirement.

Wow. Do you live together? How do you handle the finances now? Do they call him dad?

Seriously, wow. You might have the best of both words but your kids sure don't. Enjoy the therapy bills. I'm sure those will be all yours, too.

This is the PP you're quoting. Please feel free to explain the therapy comment. Why do my kids not have the best of both worlds?

In answer to the other PPs question-- yes they call him dad and he lives with us. Financially things just sort of work out. We don't have any set you pay this or I pay this. We discuss big purchases such as a car but neither of us take on any costs that we can't cover on our own. For the house he doesn't pay towards the mortgage but he pays for the major repairs such as the roof, siding, Windows, dual zone, kitchen reno -- so it all sort of comes out in the wash. We are each other's beneficiaries for 401ks and life insurance policies. My will states that he is their guardian if I die--my family loves him and wouldn't not try and take the kids away from their dad.

I don't consider you to be a single mom. What exactly is single about your parenting other than financial and paperwork stuff?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I have my DD 100% of the time. My ex lives halfway across the country with his newish wife and kids. I take my DD to visit him twice a year b/c his new wife won't let him come here to visit.

No he doesn't want to visit, otherwise he would.

He came to visit a few years ago calling his wife's bluff that she take the kids and move back to her home country. Well, she did and was gone for 8-9 months. He will never visit here again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No pros in my opinion.

Widow here. No cons in my opinion.

I know 2 young widows that took it real well! One was planning to divorce him, then he got sick.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's all on you. All. On. You.

There is no reprieve from the onslaught of responsibilities. Go look at the Default Parent thread and multiply the exhaustion times infinity. It never stops. This is your whole life. Forever.

I have great kids and am luckier than lots of folks. It is still so much more difficult than anyone tells you.

This is a pro and a con for me. Not having to rely on someone else to do something is a big pro for me. Read the hundreds of threads from wives about their husbands who don't pull their weight or that mom is the default parent. I could not stand having a grown adult in my house who doesn't do half of the work (if both spouses work FT). I've had to listen to soooooooooo many friends complain that their DHs need to be coddled like a child. No thank you. I do it myself and it gets done 100% of the time. Is it tiring? YES. But my DD is 10 now and I get some time off when she spends the night at friends' houses and goes to camp for 2 weeks. She does her own laundry and I am starting to teach her how to cook (or at least heat stuff up). I'm happy with how our lives are.

Beat me to it PP. different sides of the same coin.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I have the best of all worlds. My male partner and I have been together for 10 years. We're not married though. I wanted children and he was ambivalent. He has older kids and had a vasectomy. So the kids are all mine even though we raise them together.

For big decisions we discuss what to do but the reality is, I get to make the final decision. When it was time to get a passport, he didn't need to come. When it was time to go through Child Find, he was involved but he didn't have to sign anything and really had no say. It makes scheduling appointments much easier.

I find that it makes life much easier. Financially, I owned our house before him and before the kids. I make enough to support me and kids if we ever separate. I've put away for their college funds and my retirement.

Wow. Do you live together? How do you handle the finances now? Do they call him dad?

Seriously, wow. You might have the best of both words but your kids sure don't. Enjoy the therapy bills. I'm sure those will be all yours, too.

This is the PP you're quoting. Please feel free to explain the therapy comment. Why do my kids not have the best of both worlds?

In answer to the other PPs question-- yes they call him dad and he lives with us. Financially things just sort of work out. We don't have any set you pay this or I pay this. We discuss big purchases such as a car but neither of us take on any costs that we can't cover on our own. For the house he doesn't pay towards the mortgage but he pays for the major repairs such as the roof, siding, Windows, dual zone, kitchen reno -- so it all sort of comes out in the wash. We are each other's beneficiaries for 401ks and life insurance policies. My will states that he is their guardian if I die--my family loves him and wouldn't not try and take the kids away from their dad.

Anonymous wrote:No pros in my opinion.

Widow here. No cons in my opinion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I have the best of all worlds. My male partner and I have been together for 10 years. We're not married though. I wanted children and he was ambivalent. He has older kids and had a vasectomy. So the kids are all mine even though we raise them together.

For big decisions we discuss what to do but the reality is, I get to make the final decision. When it was time to get a passport, he didn't need to come. When it was time to go through Child Find, he was involved but he didn't have to sign anything and really had no say. It makes scheduling appointments much easier.

I find that it makes life much easier. Financially, I owned our house before him and before the kids. I make enough to support me and kids if we ever separate. I've put away for their college funds and my retirement.

Wow. Do you live together? How do you handle the finances now? Do they call him dad?

Seriously, wow. You might have the best of both words but your kids sure don't. Enjoy the therapy bills. I'm sure those will be all yours, too.

+1 to not having to coddle an overgrown baby who won't pull his own weight.

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I have my DD 100% of the time. My ex lives halfway across the country with his newish wife and kids. I take my DD to visit him twice a year b/c his new wife won't let him come here to visit.

No he doesn't want to visit, otherwise he would.

Anonymous wrote:I think I have the best of all worlds. My male partner and I have been together for 10 years. We're not married though. I wanted children and he was ambivalent. He has older kids and had a vasectomy. So the kids are all mine even though we raise them together.

For big decisions we discuss what to do but the reality is, I get to make the final decision. When it was time to get a passport, he didn't need to come. When it was time to go through Child Find, he was involved but he didn't have to sign anything and really had no say. It makes scheduling appointments much easier.

I find that it makes life much easier. Financially, I owned our house before him and before the kids. I make enough to support me and kids if we ever separate. I've put away for their college funds and my retirement.

Wow. Do you live together? How do you handle the finances now? Do they call him dad?

There are many Pros, are people nuts, lol. If the ex is out of the picture then it's great. No one to bother you, or having your child exposed to strangers in the other household. No big fights. I know two woman who do it on their own. They get a lot of support from family and friends. Their kids are much more stable than the divorced couple whose poor kids have to go back and forth, steps, 1/2 siblings they don't want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some smug married people treat you like you have some disease they don't want to catch (there was even a whole thread about this in relationships the other week, where people were talking about how divorce is contagious)

I'm sorry people treat you like that. I have a number of single-mom friends and my hat is off to them.

Thank you, that actually means more than you know.

I'm a single mom by choice and so no divorce to "catch". Yet I also find it interesting that some married people are completely open to being friends with DD and I, while others I am like the plague. Eh, it is what it is.

The pros of single mom-hood are that it can be better than having a weak co-parent dragging you down. It can be easier to pick up after one kid vs. one kid + one lazy spouse. It can be easier to plan for you and your kid vs. you, your kid and one disorganized spouse. You can make all decisions yourself instead of having to discuss them and maybe compromise. You may not have a mother-in-law relationship to finesse. Single moms with no co-parents always get their kids on holidays, which is a huge plus in my book. Sometimes you can have a tighter bond if it's just the two of you against the world.

The cons for me are mostly financial - running two households instead of one is expensive - and loneliness. I haven't been able to date much since I had my child, and it gets lonely sometimes when it feels like everyone in the world is paired up except me. I don't have much free time for dating, and I don't really want to find more free time by prioritizing my daughter less. And you can feel sometimes like you're trapped in a no-man's-land between single child-free friends and married friends with kids because you don't 100% fit with either group.

No pros in my opinion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some smug married people treat you like you have some disease they don't want to catch (there was even a whole thread about this in relationships the other week, where people were talking about how divorce is contagious)

I'm sorry people treat you like that. I have a number of single-mom friends and my hat is off to them.

Thank you, that actually means more than you know.