Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. Let me clarify, my SIL was directly "mean" to my daughter by not acknowledging her. Whether my daughter understands that or not, it's not right.

Anyway, this is just how I feel on the inside...on the outside, I'm very nice to her and we get along. I'm throwing the baby shower for her. I just don't understand how people can act this way towards a baby. I had fertility issues as well and it was hard watching all my friends get pregnant, but I never ran out crying or not acknowledge the baby.

Your SIL handled it differently. That doesn't make her reaction wrong, and she wasn't "mean" to your child. She was grieving.

Time to stop thinking her reaction was about your child. It wasn't.

OP here again and for the last time haha. I don't care that she didn't hold the baby, some people aren't comfortable with things like that. She just doesn't acknowledge any of her nieces/nephews and yes my nephew does notice when she's a no show to all our family events. He'll ask, "where's auntie?".

I'm really close to my brother and love him dearly, which is why I just keep my feelings to myself. It's just hard sometimes so I came on here to vent. BIG MISTAKE haha. Anyway, thanks again everyone for all your responses. They were very entertaining!

OP, you need to work on your own narcissism.

OP, the fact that you are finding offense in her grief kind of makes you sound like the mean one. Your baby was not harmed in any way, and I can guarantee you that a four year old boy wouldn't notice or be hurt that his aunt missed his parties unless another adult deliberately stoked those feelings in him.

Not wanting to hold a baby is not mean behavior. Lots of people don't want to hold a baby - and under the circumstances it's actually rather predictable. I'm guessing from your post there are multiple people in your family that keep drama live.

So, if a parent just lost their 4 year old to cancer, they are being mean by trying to attend your 4 year old's birthday party, but having to leave because they are overcome by emotion?

For some women, the mourning and grief associated with infertility is THAT deep and that real. They are faced every day with media and family messages about how they are incomplete for being barren. They get told that they should be happy to be an aunt, even when it might feel to them like the hardest stab to the heart. They watch friends and family have "oops" babies and the heartbreaking stories on the news where children are killed or left to die because they're unwanted. They get made to feel guilty because all these little celebrations in life kick them where they're sorest. And half the time, they have to do it quietly because we STILL can't accept as a society that this is real, raw, actual grief. We tell them to buck up and move on, because hey - they get to be an aunt or whatever, and look at what else they have.

OP, not everyone has the same degree of tolerance or resilience for hardships in their lives. It sounds as though your SIL really tried, by coming to see the baby at all, especially while news of her own fertility was fresh and raw.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. Let me clarify, my SIL was directly "mean" to my daughter by not acknowledging her. Whether my daughter understands that or not, it's not right.

Anyway, this is just how I feel on the inside...on the outside, I'm very nice to her and we get along. I'm throwing the baby shower for her. I just don't understand how people can act this way towards a baby. I had fertility issues as well and it was hard watching all my friends get pregnant, but I never ran out crying or not acknowledge the baby.

OP you sound a little crazy. Even with what you added she wasn't "mean" to your baby. And running out crying by the SIL also isn't mean. You really need to get a grip. I mean that in a very non snarky way.

OP here. So what if my daughter was old enough to understand these things? My other brother has a 4 year old son and SIL skipped his birthday party the last two years, and barely acknowledges him. Didn't even wish him a happy birthday.

She's being shitty. But I highly doubt your nephew has noticed. My aunts and uncles on my dad's side never sent gifts, visited, wished us happy birthday etc. I couldn't have cared less. I had so many other loving family members that I never even noticed. The only person who is truly being affected by this are the grown ups in the equation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. Let me clarify, my SIL was directly "mean" to my daughter by not acknowledging her. Whether my daughter understands that or not, it's not right.

Anyway, this is just how I feel on the inside...on the outside, I'm very nice to her and we get along. I'm throwing the baby shower for her. I just don't understand how people can act this way towards a baby. I had fertility issues as well and it was hard watching all my friends get pregnant, but I never ran out crying or not acknowledge the baby.

OP you sound a little crazy. Even with what you added she wasn't "mean" to your baby. And running out crying by the SIL also isn't mean. You really need to get a grip. I mean that in a very non snarky way.

OP here. So what if my daughter was old enough to understand these things? My other brother has a 4 year old son and SIL skipped his birthday party the last two years, and barely acknowledges him. Didn't even wish him a happy birthday.

Anonymous wrote:Have some empathy, OP. Your daughter was not mistreated. Neither were you. This is what grief can look like.

+10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

OP, although I don't think not acknowledging your child falls under the canopy of being mean, I do kind of get what you are saying. I do think you're being dramatic but I also think your SIL shouldn't have taken her misery out on you. I wanted kids for a good 10 years before I was actually able to conceive one. I still was absolutely thrilled when my nieces and nephews came along. I couldn't have been happier for my sister and brother and I loved being an aunt. I don't think my inability to have kids should have been taken out on them. Not everyone can control or separate their emotions. It's not fair but it's reality. So I don't think your SIL was being mean to your kid. I do think she was insensitive to you as you are being to her though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby about a year ago, which was also around the same time my brother's wife (SIL) found out her chances of having a baby were slim to none. After my daughter was born, she was so mean to her. SIL wouldn't even hold or acknowledge her. At the hospital she started crying when she saw my daughter and ran out of my room. This mean behavior went on for a few months and then it stopped after she found out she was pregnant. I'm really happy that there will be a new member in our family, but it's just so hard for me to be happy for my SIL after the way she treated my daughter. I would never treat an innocent child like that.

I don't know what to do. Any advice?

So what do you think she should have done? Had a break down and just sat there in your room sobbing? Jeez.

Grow up - she wasn't mean to your daughter by running out of the room. I am assuming she made an attempt since she came to the hospital. You really suck, OP. She tried, and couldn't handle it.

OP here again. Thanks for your response. She did have a break down in my room for a few minutes, she ran out after I asked her if she was ok.

I don't think she was mean to you, so maybe reframing it would be helpful. I do think she didn't act appropriately because she was dealing with something difficult. I don't think it excuses her behavior, but I would try to move on. She isn't someone you can depend on, so just keep that in mind.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. Let me clarify, my SIL was directly "mean" to my daughter by not acknowledging her. Whether my daughter understands that or not, it's not right.

Anyway, this is just how I feel on the inside...on the outside, I'm very nice to her and we get along. I'm throwing the baby shower for her. I just don't understand how people can act this way towards a baby. I had fertility issues as well and it was hard watching all my friends get pregnant, but I never ran out crying or not acknowledge the baby.

OP you sound a little crazy. Even with what you added she wasn't "mean" to your baby. And running out crying by the SIL also isn't mean. You really need to get a grip. I mean that in a very non snarky way.

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby about a year ago, which was also around the same time my brother's wife (SIL) found out her chances of having a baby were slim to none. After my daughter was born, she was so mean to her. SIL wouldn't even hold or acknowledge her. At the hospital she started crying when she saw my daughter and ran out of my room. This mean behavior went on for a few months and then it stopped after she found out she was pregnant. I'm really happy that there will be a new member in our family, but it's just so hard for me to be happy for my SIL after the way she treated my daughter. I would never treat an innocent child like that.

I don't know what to do. Any advice?

So what do you think she should have done? Had a break down and just sat there in your room sobbing? Jeez.

Grow up - she wasn't mean to your daughter by running out of the room. I am assuming she made an attempt since she came to the hospital. You really suck, OP. She tried, and couldn't handle it.

I agree with you, OP. While I do understand your SIL's feelings it is very immature for her to act towards a child like this. You are very kind to throw a baby shower for her!