Anonymous wrote:By "odd man out," do you mean, "not the most important person in my son's life"? Because I sincerely hope not to always be the most important person in my child's life; I hope they each find a life partner or a very special someone with whom to share their lives.

This

I'm not sure that it's a "mother of sons" thing. My MIL is the grandmother of my daughter, too. When I feel frustrated with a MIL situation, I think about my own grandparents and how much I felt loved by them, and therefore make a bigger effort to let things go and create memories for my children/her grandchildren.

All in all, though, she's a great person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After having my DS, I have a new perspective of my MIL. I have a better understanding of how difficult it must be to love your child so much and spend all those years raising him (and DH was truly the focus of her life) only to be on the periphery of his adult life. She doesn't have any daughters, and DH and I tend to spend more time with my family, so I think that contributes to her feeling left out. When I think about my own DS, I certainly want him to be an independent adult but it would also be nice if he stayed close with our family, even if he starts one of his own.

So spend more time with her...

PP's DH can make those arrangements.

Anonymous wrote:I have only boys and definitely work hard to keep up a relationship with my mother in law. You reap what you sow. When it's difficult I remind myself that she's their grandmother and I would hope for the same courtesies when I am a grandmother. That said, I imagine I would feel the same way if I had girls. Aren't we all just trying to set a good example for our kids?

+1

My grandmother has 3 boys and 3 girls- they are an incredibly tight knit family still (my mom and her siblings and in laws), I've seen it in action plenty of times that the DH's mother isn't put out to pasture. I actually work overtime to get my somewhat stoic/coldish MIL to be included, come to visit and get the warm and fuzzies!

Anonymous wrote:Across the board, among my friends the husbands have great relationships with their MIL and the husbands' moms are pains in the asses.

This may say more about your friends than their mil's.

Anonymous wrote:Er no. I think most DIL/MIL relationships start before there are kids in the picture, so the tone is there before you even know if you will have boys or girls.

+1

I don't think it makes much of a difference. What matters is that your personalities and values click. I got along better with my previous boyfriend's mom than my DH's.

I think it depends on the two women and if the husband is a good person, lover, father and overall a good or not. And if that husband is mostly on the mother's side or the spouse side.

I don't talk to my MIL much. I don't have anything against her. I barely have the time to call my own mother, how much time do I have to call the other side. So, she doesn't cross my mind. I'm trying to detach myself with so many family relations due to too much drama on my side.
So, I leave it up to her own son to call. She doesn't talk to me. She just talks to the grandson who's 6. Half of the time, she doesn't hear or understand what he's saying.
Plus, I hate explaining things to people. I guess I'm kinda tired of being around my own family so I rather choose the people I associate with and it's not her.

I don't think moms of boys are nicer to their MILs. Why would they be? It's not until your sons grow up and get partners that you truly experience no longer being Alpha Woman in their lives.

I'm certainly more understanding of what's behind my MIL's horrible behavior since my oldest son grew up and found a partner. I've always been nice to her, because that's how I am. She's never going to accept me or her son as we are, and she's never going to stop trying to break down every boundary, because she doesn't believe in boundaries.

As a result of having such a terrible MIL, I hope I'm a better MIL than I might have been. I bend over backwards to treat my DIL well. I'm thankful my son has her.

I am not crazy or a jerk so I don't worry too much about this. My husband is an orphan, but we spend as much time with his siblings and their kids as we can. I hope to remain close with my sons as they become adults, but of course only time will tell.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After having my DS, I have a new perspective of my MIL. I have a better understanding of how difficult it must be to love your child so much and spend all those years raising him (and DH was truly the focus of her life) only to be on the periphery of his adult life. She doesn't have any daughters, and DH and I tend to spend more time with my family, so I think that contributes to her feeling left out. When I think about my own DS, I certainly want him to be an independent adult but it would also be nice if he stayed close with our family, even if he starts one of his own.

So spend more time with her...

Well, she lives across the country so it's not quite that easy. And she and DH don't always get along, which of course affects this. Part of the reason she isn't more involved in her son's life is her own doing, but she doesn't grasp that. That said, I would imagine it must be hard for her on some level, even if there's little I can do about it.

Anonymous wrote:I have a boy and a girl. I don't feel any differently toward my MIL after having the boy. The relationship pattern was 10 years in the making before I had a son. I think my lesson learned is that if you would like your DIL to facilitate a good relationship with your grandchildren, and your son cannot be counted on to do so, you need to have made the effort long before the grandchildren come along. I'm certainly not going to "poof" forget a decade worth of, what could be described at best as casual disrespect simply because I produced children.

Exactly!

Across the board, among my friends the husbands have great relationships with their MIL and the husbands' moms are pains in the asses.

I have a boy and a girl. I don't feel any differently toward my MIL after having the boy. The relationship pattern was 10 years in the making before I had a son. I think my lesson learned is that if you would like your DIL to facilitate a good relationship with your grandchildren, and your son cannot be counted on to do so, you need to have made the effort long before the grandchildren come along. I'm certainly not going to "poof" forget a decade worth of, what could be described at best as casual disrespect simply because I produced children.

By "odd man out," do you mean, "not the most important person in my son's life"? Because I sincerely hope not to always be the most important person in my child's life; I hope they each find a life partner or a very special someone with whom to share their lives.