Anonymous
Post 05/13/2016 21:26     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
If it makes you feel better, like you are "evening out the score," then by all means do what you have to do in order to feel better.

After all, it is YOUR life OP.

However since it is your life, you + only you alone will have to live w/what ever consequences occur thereafter.

Sure divorce may be expensive....But isn't the investment worth being able to live a life free from deceit, betrayal & dishonesty.

Value your worth as a person and hold on to your dignity.
Don't let anyone destroy your inner spirit or zest for living.

All of these are essential ingredients to living life.

Not simply enduring it while losing yourself bit by bit each + every day.

Priceless.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2016 12:02     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So your husband cheats and now you're living the celibate life for appearances? Was it bad sex?



I am not "celibate" I just don't sleep with him.

Sex with him was better, more intimate, and more often... but I did not create this situation, I am just handling it gracefully.

We live together so we don't have to split time with kids and finance another house. I suspect one of us will eventually find somebody and be motivated to change the situation. I will keep the house since I can afford it on my own.

Appearances??? All our friends know we are separated, I don't care what strangers think.


Sounds like he is getting his due, and you are being wise to save money and figure things out slowly. You are handling it gracefully. I bet he will move out though once the situation gets to be too much for him to bear, so be prepared for that.


I know someone else in a similar situation, not in this area. The men don't leave unless they have somewhere else to go. He has been uncomfortable and will stay that way until the wife forces a change and is ready to change the type of discomfort (new house, older kids, love, career, health).

PP I can't say what I would do, just make sure you're honestly whole and healing through it as best you can and not happy because you have the upper hand in the situation. I wish you the best. I'm sorry this happened. No one imagines a life like this. I've been living separated with my DH for a few months and with a young child but it was not for cheating (reason is irrelevant to this discussion). I can honestly say it's hard for me to not be hurt - but it's possible. So I hope it works out.


Thanks.

I have a therapist, he has a therapist, the kids had a therapist (but they said the kids are fine, so they stopped going) and we had a therapist (but we are not reconciling so marriage therapy was stopped).

I know it is hard for people to understand.

His therapist said that he needs 2 years of intense therapy so I am just being supportive right now, we are a little under 1 year in (of him seeing a therapist 2x/week). I check in with my therapist every other week (sometimes 1x/month) to make sure I am not feeling overwhelmed, used, etc.

My goal is that my kids have a healthy father in the future. He is a much better father in the last year so that make me feel like I am doing the right thing.


You sound like a strong ,independent , level headed woman. Kudos to you.


Anonymous
Post 05/13/2016 10:35     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
Anonymous wrote:I would not stay married to someone who cheated.


+1 I would take the financial hit and move on.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2016 10:33     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So your husband cheats and now you're living the celibate life for appearances? Was it bad sex?



I am not "celibate" I just don't sleep with him.

Sex with him was better, more intimate, and more often... but I did not create this situation, I am just handling it gracefully.

We live together so we don't have to split time with kids and finance another house. I suspect one of us will eventually find somebody and be motivated to change the situation. I will keep the house since I can afford it on my own.

Appearances??? All our friends know we are separated, I don't care what strangers think.


Living together while you both cheat. Nice. I would not call that graceful. Practical maybe. It's not just him that needs therapy, by the way.


It's not cheating if you are separated.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2016 10:21     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
OP, I think you lose a bargaining chip and some moral high ground once you do cheat. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, just saying you should think hard before doing it. A friend of mine called it turning a page. Once you've turned that page, you can't unturn it. Once you've cheated, no matter the circumstances, you've become a person who cheats.

I don't think it's the end of the world because I'm someone who is fairly comfortable with moral gray areas. But not everyone is.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2016 10:06     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So your husband cheats and now you're living the celibate life for appearances? Was it bad sex?



I am not "celibate" I just don't sleep with him.

Sex with him was better, more intimate, and more often... but I did not create this situation, I am just handling it gracefully.

We live together so we don't have to split time with kids and finance another house. I suspect one of us will eventually find somebody and be motivated to change the situation. I will keep the house since I can afford it on my own.

Appearances??? All our friends know we are separated, I don't care what strangers think.


Living together while you both cheat. Nice. I would not call that graceful. Practical maybe. It's not just him that needs therapy, by the way.


NP here. Don't get why you're clutching your pearls so hard. It's not cheating if they've cut their commitment to each other. It actually sounds like a smart solution for now.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2016 10:00     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So your husband cheats and now you're living the celibate life for appearances? Was it bad sex?



I am not "celibate" I just don't sleep with him.

Sex with him was better, more intimate, and more often... but I did not create this situation, I am just handling it gracefully.

We live together so we don't have to split time with kids and finance another house. I suspect one of us will eventually find somebody and be motivated to change the situation. I will keep the house since I can afford it on my own.

Appearances??? All our friends know we are separated, I don't care what strangers think.


Living together while you both cheat. Nice. I would not call that graceful. Practical maybe. It's not just him that needs therapy, by the way.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2016 08:08     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So your husband cheats and now you're living the celibate life for appearances? Was it bad sex?



I am not "celibate" I just don't sleep with him.

Sex with him was better, more intimate, and more often... but I did not create this situation, I am just handling it gracefully.

We live together so we don't have to split time with kids and finance another house. I suspect one of us will eventually find somebody and be motivated to change the situation. I will keep the house since I can afford it on my own.

Appearances??? All our friends know we are separated, I don't care what strangers think.


Sounds like he is getting his due, and you are being wise to save money and figure things out slowly. You are handling it gracefully. I bet he will move out though once the situation gets to be too much for him to bear, so be prepared for that.


I know someone else in a similar situation, not in this area. The men don't leave unless they have somewhere else to go. He has been uncomfortable and will stay that way until the wife forces a change and is ready to change the type of discomfort (new house, older kids, love, career, health).

PP I can't say what I would do, just make sure you're honestly whole and healing through it as best you can and not happy because you have the upper hand in the situation. I wish you the best. I'm sorry this happened. No one imagines a life like this. I've been living separated with my DH for a few months and with a young child but it was not for cheating (reason is irrelevant to this discussion). I can honestly say it's hard for me to not be hurt - but it's possible. So I hope it works out.


Thanks.

I have a therapist, he has a therapist, the kids had a therapist (but they said the kids are fine, so they stopped going) and we had a therapist (but we are not reconciling so marriage therapy was stopped).

I know it is hard for people to understand.

His therapist said that he needs 2 years of intense therapy so I am just being supportive right now, we are a little under 1 year in (of him seeing a therapist 2x/week). I check in with my therapist every other week (sometimes 1x/month) to make sure I am not feeling overwhelmed, used, etc.

My goal is that my kids have a healthy father in the future. He is a much better father in the last year so that make me feel like I am doing the right thing.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2016 05:14     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So your husband cheats and now you're living the celibate life for appearances? Was it bad sex?



I am not "celibate" I just don't sleep with him.

Sex with him was better, more intimate, and more often... but I did not create this situation, I am just handling it gracefully.

We live together so we don't have to split time with kids and finance another house. I suspect one of us will eventually find somebody and be motivated to change the situation. I will keep the house since I can afford it on my own.

Appearances??? All our friends know we are separated, I don't care what strangers think.


Sounds like he is getting his due, and you are being wise to save money and figure things out slowly. You are handling it gracefully. I bet he will move out though once the situation gets to be too much for him to bear, so be prepared for that.


I know someone else in a similar situation, not in this area. The men don't leave unless they have somewhere else to go. He has been uncomfortable and will stay that way until the wife forces a change and is ready to change the type of discomfort (new house, older kids, love, career, health).

PP I can't say what I would do, just make sure you're honestly whole and healing through it as best you can and not happy because you have the upper hand in the situation. I wish you the best. I'm sorry this happened. No one imagines a life like this. I've been living separated with my DH for a few months and with a young child but it was not for cheating (reason is irrelevant to this discussion). I can honestly say it's hard for me to not be hurt - but it's possible. So I hope it works out.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2016 04:24     Subject: Re:My spouse cheated.... and cheats
This sounds really confusing for the kids. Perpetual limbo from their perspective.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2016 01:53     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
Keep your side of the,street clean until the divorce is final. Or until you two work this out. Seriously, dont throw fuel on a fire.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2016 01:50     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So your husband cheats and now you're living the celibate life for appearances? Was it bad sex?



I am not "celibate" I just don't sleep with him.

Sex with him was better, more intimate, and more often... but I did not create this situation, I am just handling it gracefully.

We live together so we don't have to split time with kids and finance another house. I suspect one of us will eventually find somebody and be motivated to change the situation. I will keep the house since I can afford it on my own.

Appearances??? All our friends know we are separated, I don't care what strangers think.


I'm the PP you're responding to. Sounds like a decent setup. I wrongly assumed you were planning to stay married forever and just not have sex with him or others.
Anonymous
Post 05/12/2016 20:11     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
OP, the only problem with you having an affair is that no matter how you slice it, that affair involves yet another person's feelings. Is that what you want?
Anonymous
Post 05/12/2016 17:59     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So your husband cheats and now you're living the celibate life for appearances? Was it bad sex?



I am not "celibate" I just don't sleep with him.

Sex with him was better, more intimate, and more often... but I did not create this situation, I am just handling it gracefully.

We live together so we don't have to split time with kids and finance another house. I suspect one of us will eventually find somebody and be motivated to change the situation. I will keep the house since I can afford it on my own.

Appearances??? All our friends know we are separated, I don't care what strangers think.


You sound awesome and so level-headed
Anonymous
Post 05/12/2016 10:47     Subject: My spouse cheated.... and cheats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So your husband cheats and now you're living the celibate life for appearances? Was it bad sex?



I am not "celibate" I just don't sleep with him.

Sex with him was better, more intimate, and more often... but I did not create this situation, I am just handling it gracefully.

We live together so we don't have to split time with kids and finance another house. I suspect one of us will eventually find somebody and be motivated to change the situation. I will keep the house since I can afford it on my own.

Appearances??? All our friends know we are separated, I don't care what strangers think.


Sounds like he is getting his due, and you are being wise to save money and figure things out slowly. You are handling it gracefully. I bet he will move out though once the situation gets to be too much for him to bear, so be prepared for that.