Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed.

I want my wife to show me affection, be an active partner, and make sure I'm not overwhelmed because I'm doing the same for her. I want her to have sex with me because she thinks I'm sexy and wants to have sex with me - the same as I do for her. I don't particularly want her to make an effort to find me attractive.

Right there with you, brother. This is something women tend to minimize if not ignore completely.

It's also pretty sad that the PP has to "put a lot of effort into having regular sex with [her] husband." I hope she doesn't tell him that. It shouldn't require "a lot of effort" to have sex with your husband if you love him and are attracted to him.

Anonymous wrote:
I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed.

I want my wife to show me affection, be an active partner, and make sure I'm not overwhelmed because I'm doing the same for her. I want her to have sex with me because she thinks I'm sexy and wants to have sex with me - the same as I do for her. I don't particularly want her to make an effort to find me attractive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of these posts about how women need a connection to have sex with their husbands are hilarious after reading the "I can't get nasty with my DH" thread where so many posters talk about how they are able to let go and enjoy themselves more when there ISN'T a connection. In other words, the OP talked about how she could really get nasty when it was casual sex but with her DH she holds back and is thus very unsatisfied with their sex life. The problem isn't him, it's her own issues sabotaging their sex life.

I am beginning to believe the theory that women just get bored of fucking the same man and that's why marriages suffer from lack of sex over time. Obviously, every case is different, but I think this probably applies in general and until women come to grips with this and figure out how to make that work to the advantage of the marriage, this will be the undoing of many a marriage's sexual component.

I'm a guy, and I tend to agree with the frustration here. But, I also tend to believe that most people aren't intentionally deceptive. So, trying to understand the dynamic, I think what's going on is:

1. Nasty sex with relative strangers -- the newness gets the sex drive going. The lack of real connection means there isn't the emotional vulnerability, and if the person were inclined to judge her, she could walk away very easily.

2. Needing a connection with a husband -- when novelty is removed from the equation, a woman's sex drive needs a lot more to wake it up than a guy's does. Emily Nagoski, a sex researcher, talks about a dual control model for women's libido -- essentially a brake and a gas pedal. Women have a lot more things that seem to activate their brake pedal than men do (for example, all of those "to do" lists in their head.) I think that may be what a lot of women are talking about when they talk about the "connection." Someone who helps them ease up on the brake because he helps reduce the "to dos" or at least doesn't increase them; someone who isn't provoking resentment; someone who won't bring a lot of negative judgment. Once the brake is taken care of, then some of the sexy accelerator stuff has a chance of working. (Under this dual control model, I think a lot of what's going on with the strangers is that the novelty turbo charges the accelerator.) See: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/22/the-dual-control-model/

I'll read the article when I'm at a computer that will let me access it. The rest of your post is very insightful and informative, but it still doesn't get the the heart of the matter: why is it incumbent on men to get women to own their own shit? If a woman's sex drive is a slave to her own (no doubt subconsciously) self-imposed limitations, why is it my fucking job to get her past them? Especially when it's more often than not just a bait and switch: do more (x, y or z) and we'll have more sex. Maybe that works for a while, but soon enough it's back to the same old pattern. Why? Because SHE isn't addressing her own issues, just putting it on the husband to address some external factor that is really nothing more than an excuse for her not to deal with her own issues.

why is it incumbent on men to get women to own their own shit? Because men want women to have sex with them.

The problem with that way of thinking is eventually it becomes easier to get it from another woman. She'll be raring to go because of the excitement of the new relationship (affair). I realize this works both ways, but it highlights the problem with treating the vagina as a commodity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of these posts about how women need a connection to have sex with their husbands are hilarious after reading the "I can't get nasty with my DH" thread where so many posters talk about how they are able to let go and enjoy themselves more when there ISN'T a connection. In other words, the OP talked about how she could really get nasty when it was casual sex but with her DH she holds back and is thus very unsatisfied with their sex life. The problem isn't him, it's her own issues sabotaging their sex life.

I am beginning to believe the theory that women just get bored of fucking the same man and that's why marriages suffer from lack of sex over time. Obviously, every case is different, but I think this probably applies in general and until women come to grips with this and figure out how to make that work to the advantage of the marriage, this will be the undoing of many a marriage's sexual component.

I'm a guy, and I tend to agree with the frustration here. But, I also tend to believe that most people aren't intentionally deceptive. So, trying to understand the dynamic, I think what's going on is:

1. Nasty sex with relative strangers -- the newness gets the sex drive going. The lack of real connection means there isn't the emotional vulnerability, and if the person were inclined to judge her, she could walk away very easily.

2. Needing a connection with a husband -- when novelty is removed from the equation, a woman's sex drive needs a lot more to wake it up than a guy's does. Emily Nagoski, a sex researcher, talks about a dual control model for women's libido -- essentially a brake and a gas pedal. Women have a lot more things that seem to activate their brake pedal than men do (for example, all of those "to do" lists in their head.) I think that may be what a lot of women are talking about when they talk about the "connection." Someone who helps them ease up on the brake because he helps reduce the "to dos" or at least doesn't increase them; someone who isn't provoking resentment; someone who won't bring a lot of negative judgment. Once the brake is taken care of, then some of the sexy accelerator stuff has a chance of working. (Under this dual control model, I think a lot of what's going on with the strangers is that the novelty turbo charges the accelerator.) See: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/22/the-dual-control-model/

I'll read the article when I'm at a computer that will let me access it. The rest of your post is very insightful and informative, but it still doesn't get the the heart of the matter: why is it incumbent on men to get women to own their own shit? If a woman's sex drive is a slave to her own (no doubt subconsciously) self-imposed limitations, why is it my fucking job to get her past them? Especially when it's more often than not just a bait and switch: do more (x, y or z) and we'll have more sex. Maybe that works for a while, but soon enough it's back to the same old pattern. Why? Because SHE isn't addressing her own issues, just putting it on the husband to address some external factor that is really nothing more than an excuse for her not to deal with her own issues.

I would think caring about your partner's mental state would be a requirement to a healthy relationship. IMO a lot of guys here just don't understand why, regardless of how the relationship is doing, women should be putting out. And that seems like you want to have your cake and eat it to.

I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed. And when I am overwhelmed by things outside of my control he is reassuring and compassionate. And so sometimes we have sex during those times, and sometimes we don't and he's ok with that. He doesn't pressure me and he tries to make my life easier. That makes me want to try even when I'm not feeling it.

The consistent argument from people like you here seems to be like, 'my wife's lack of libido is her problem, why should I have to do anything about it?' But revving up a woman's engine isn't that easy so you do your part and then she'll work on her part. I sometimes have sex with my husband even when I don't really want to. But I throw myself into it and almost always end up enjoying it. But me pushing my 'accelerator' even though the 'brakes' are acting up happens because I see my husband making the effort too.

I think sex problems are almost ALWAYS a relationship problem. Guys don't want to do the hard work on fixing the relationship. Or, more accurately, guys don't want to put time and effort into the relationship problem unless the sex starts up immediately, when in reality the sex has to wait for the relationship problem. Or at least wait until some progress has been made.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of these posts about how women need a connection to have sex with their husbands are hilarious after reading the "I can't get nasty with my DH" thread where so many posters talk about how they are able to let go and enjoy themselves more when there ISN'T a connection. In other words, the OP talked about how she could really get nasty when it was casual sex but with her DH she holds back and is thus very unsatisfied with their sex life. The problem isn't him, it's her own issues sabotaging their sex life.

I am beginning to believe the theory that women just get bored of fucking the same man and that's why marriages suffer from lack of sex over time. Obviously, every case is different, but I think this probably applies in general and until women come to grips with this and figure out how to make that work to the advantage of the marriage, this will be the undoing of many a marriage's sexual component.

I'm a guy, and I tend to agree with the frustration here. But, I also tend to believe that most people aren't intentionally deceptive. So, trying to understand the dynamic, I think what's going on is:

1. Nasty sex with relative strangers -- the newness gets the sex drive going. The lack of real connection means there isn't the emotional vulnerability, and if the person were inclined to judge her, she could walk away very easily.

2. Needing a connection with a husband -- when novelty is removed from the equation, a woman's sex drive needs a lot more to wake it up than a guy's does. Emily Nagoski, a sex researcher, talks about a dual control model for women's libido -- essentially a brake and a gas pedal. Women have a lot more things that seem to activate their brake pedal than men do (for example, all of those "to do" lists in their head.) I think that may be what a lot of women are talking about when they talk about the "connection." Someone who helps them ease up on the brake because he helps reduce the "to dos" or at least doesn't increase them; someone who isn't provoking resentment; someone who won't bring a lot of negative judgment. Once the brake is taken care of, then some of the sexy accelerator stuff has a chance of working. (Under this dual control model, I think a lot of what's going on with the strangers is that the novelty turbo charges the accelerator.) See: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/22/the-dual-control-model/

I'll read the article when I'm at a computer that will let me access it. The rest of your post is very insightful and informative, but it still doesn't get the the heart of the matter: why is it incumbent on men to get women to own their own shit? If a woman's sex drive is a slave to her own (no doubt subconsciously) self-imposed limitations, why is it my fucking job to get her past them? Especially when it's more often than not just a bait and switch: do more (x, y or z) and we'll have more sex. Maybe that works for a while, but soon enough it's back to the same old pattern. Why? Because SHE isn't addressing her own issues, just putting it on the husband to address some external factor that is really nothing more than an excuse for her not to deal with her own issues.

why is it incumbent on men to get women to own their own shit? Because men want women to have sex with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am completely in attracted to my spouse so no, it wouldn't matter. I do have orgasms with him, but I don't want to have sex with him.

This makes no sense. Do you mean unattracted? That makes sense. I have the same situation. Unattracted to DH, fine sex, it is OK, I can O, but totally disconnected. Better sex would be great, but it wouldn't actually be better. Better connection would make the sex better.

Same here. I've lost my attraction to DH (and has nothing to do with the quality of our sex in the past). Just being close to him turns me off.

Anonymous wrote:Not unless being good in bed bought more hours in the day.

Winner!!!!

Anonymous wrote:All of these posts about how women need a connection to have sex with their husbands are hilarious after reading the "I can't get nasty with my DH" thread where so many posters talk about how they are able to let go and enjoy themselves more when there ISN'T a connection. In other words, the OP talked about how she could really get nasty when it was casual sex but with her DH she holds back and is thus very unsatisfied with their sex life. The problem isn't him, it's her own issues sabotaging their sex life.

I am beginning to believe the theory that women just get bored of fucking the same man and that's why marriages suffer from lack of sex over time. Obviously, every case is different, but I think this probably applies in general and until women come to grips with this and figure out how to make that work to the advantage of the marriage, this will be the undoing of many a marriage's sexual component.

I agree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of these posts about how women need a connection to have sex with their husbands are hilarious after reading the "I can't get nasty with my DH" thread where so many posters talk about how they are able to let go and enjoy themselves more when there ISN'T a connection. In other words, the OP talked about how she could really get nasty when it was casual sex but with her DH she holds back and is thus very unsatisfied with their sex life. The problem isn't him, it's her own issues sabotaging their sex life.

I am beginning to believe the theory that women just get bored of fucking the same man and that's why marriages suffer from lack of sex over time. Obviously, every case is different, but I think this probably applies in general and until women come to grips with this and figure out how to make that work to the advantage of the marriage, this will be the undoing of many a marriage's sexual component.

I'm a guy, and I tend to agree with the frustration here. But, I also tend to believe that most people aren't intentionally deceptive. So, trying to understand the dynamic, I think what's going on is:

1. Nasty sex with relative strangers -- the newness gets the sex drive going. The lack of real connection means there isn't the emotional vulnerability, and if the person were inclined to judge her, she could walk away very easily.

2. Needing a connection with a husband -- when novelty is removed from the equation, a woman's sex drive needs a lot more to wake it up than a guy's does. Emily Nagoski, a sex researcher, talks about a dual control model for women's libido -- essentially a brake and a gas pedal. Women have a lot more things that seem to activate their brake pedal than men do (for example, all of those "to do" lists in their head.) I think that may be what a lot of women are talking about when they talk about the "connection." Someone who helps them ease up on the brake because he helps reduce the "to dos" or at least doesn't increase them; someone who isn't provoking resentment; someone who won't bring a lot of negative judgment. Once the brake is taken care of, then some of the sexy accelerator stuff has a chance of working. (Under this dual control model, I think a lot of what's going on with the strangers is that the novelty turbo charges the accelerator.) See: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/22/the-dual-control-model/

I'll read the article when I'm at a computer that will let me access it. The rest of your post is very insightful and informative, but it still doesn't get the the heart of the matter: why is it incumbent on men to get women to own their own shit? If a woman's sex drive is a slave to her own (no doubt subconsciously) self-imposed limitations, why is it my fucking job to get her past them? Especially when it's more often than not just a bait and switch: do more (x, y or z) and we'll have more sex. Maybe that works for a while, but soon enough it's back to the same old pattern. Why? Because SHE isn't addressing her own issues, just putting it on the husband to address some external factor that is really nothing more than an excuse for her not to deal with her own issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is great in bed. I am usually looking forward to sex. Unfortunately, he often comes home and things he says or does end up killing my desire to f**k him. Then he complains about not having enough sex.

Typical female with a fragile/weak sex drive.

No PP, but I think PP was saying that even if DH is good in bed, she also needs an emotional connection.

Yes, and I would call that a fragile/weak sex drive.
She lacks the ability to just turn of her brain and enjoy the physical pleasure of good sex.

Yeah man, she sounds super needy, wanting her husband to be nice to her before she has sex with him. If my DH came home and a giant d to me I would also lose my desire.

I gotta be honest sex starved men of DCUM. I think that most of you need to look inward and just be a nicer and more considerate and affectionate partner. Just because, not to get laid, because if I had major relationship problems and my DH was only buttering me up when he wanted sex that wouldn't work either. If you're not having sex you have a foundational relationship issue to work out.

And I know it sucks but yes the majority of women as they age don't want to have sex 6 times a week (I know you exist super hot 45 year old lady who doesn't look a day over 28 and makes people jealous and gives your husband a morning bj every day, we're not talking about you!). Life is a spectrum, you have to adjust with your partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is great in bed. I am usually looking forward to sex. Unfortunately, he often comes home and things he says or does end up killing my desire to f**k him. Then he complains about not having enough sex.

Typical female with a fragile/weak sex drive.

No PP, but I think PP was saying that even if DH is good in bed, she also needs an emotional connection.

Yes, and I would call that a fragile/weak sex drive.
She lacks the ability to just turn of her brain and enjoy the physical pleasure of good sex.

My husband is the same way, and yes, I consider that he has a fragile/weak sex drive.

Anonymous wrote:All of these posts about how women need a connection to have sex with their husbands are hilarious after reading the "I can't get nasty with my DH" thread where so many posters talk about how they are able to let go and enjoy themselves more when there ISN'T a connection. In other words, the OP talked about how she could really get nasty when it was casual sex but with her DH she holds back and is thus very unsatisfied with their sex life. The problem isn't him, it's her own issues sabotaging their sex life.

I am beginning to believe the theory that women just get bored of fucking the same man and that's why marriages suffer from lack of sex over time. Obviously, every case is different, but I think this probably applies in general and until women come to grips with this and figure out how to make that work to the advantage of the marriage, this will be the undoing of many a marriage's sexual component.

I'm a guy, and I tend to agree with the frustration here. But, I also tend to believe that most people aren't intentionally deceptive. So, trying to understand the dynamic, I think what's going on is:

1. Nasty sex with relative strangers -- the newness gets the sex drive going. The lack of real connection means there isn't the emotional vulnerability, and if the person were inclined to judge her, she could walk away very easily.

2. Needing a connection with a husband -- when novelty is removed from the equation, a woman's sex drive needs a lot more to wake it up than a guy's does. Emily Nagoski, a sex researcher, talks about a dual control model for women's libido -- essentially a brake and a gas pedal. Women have a lot more things that seem to activate their brake pedal than men do (for example, all of those "to do" lists in their head.) I think that may be what a lot of women are talking about when they talk about the "connection." Someone who helps them ease up on the brake because he helps reduce the "to dos" or at least doesn't increase them; someone who isn't provoking resentment; someone who won't bring a lot of negative judgment. Once the brake is taken care of, then some of the sexy accelerator stuff has a chance of working. (Under this dual control model, I think a lot of what's going on with the strangers is that the novelty turbo charges the accelerator.) See: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/22/the-dual-control-model/

All of these posts about how women need a connection to have sex with their husbands are hilarious after reading the "I can't get nasty with my DH" thread where so many posters talk about how they are able to let go and enjoy themselves more when there ISN'T a connection. In other words, the OP talked about how she could really get nasty when it was casual sex but with her DH she holds back and is thus very unsatisfied with their sex life. The problem isn't him, it's her own issues sabotaging their sex life.

I am beginning to believe the theory that women just get bored of fucking the same man and that's why marriages suffer from lack of sex over time. Obviously, every case is different, but I think this probably applies in general and until women come to grips with this and figure out how to make that work to the advantage of the marriage, this will be the undoing of many a marriage's sexual component.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is great in bed. I am usually looking forward to sex. Unfortunately, he often comes home and things he says or does end up killing my desire to f**k him. Then he complains about not having enough sex.

Typical female with a fragile/weak sex drive.

No PP, but I think PP was saying that even if DH is good in bed, she also needs an emotional connection.

Yes, and I would call that a fragile/weak sex drive.
She lacks the ability to just turn of her brain and enjoy the physical pleasure of good sex.

yes