Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't you think it's overrated? I mean, with an average grandparent who is kind of out of touch with reality a little? I am not talking about obvious crazies, neither am I talking about fun, active, and caring grandparents. I am talking about a mediocre grandparent who is more interested in sitting on the couch helping themselves to food in the fridge talking about random stuff and giving unsolicited advice than in actually hanging out with their grandkids, having meaningful interactions with them?

My DS has a grandpa like this. We respect the grandpa, see him semi-regularly, treat him with kindness and always speak well of him. If he did not exist, it wouldn't change DS's life one iota.

+1

This is MIL. She is outwardly involved with SILs kids, but makes it a point to not be involved with DHs kids. Very sad - for her. DC don't really care about MIL, one way or another. But they do know my parents, who are fun and loving, which makes all the difference in their lives. All it takes is a little effort to be a good person, instead of putting that effort into being spiteful and bitter. Interesting how they will be remembered (which I guess MIL has not thought about).

OP here. I have been thinking about it lately. Both sets of GPs live far away and do not come to see us for various reasons. We skype and such.
However DS is not particularly interested, and they are not super involved (don't always send gifts, for example).
I definitely don't need them as babysitters.
I should take DS with me to visit them - but I don't want to go Not that I hate them or anything, they are nice and normal people (well mine are mildly crazy but not too bad), but I just cannot bring myself to do it...

It's funny to me because my parents had died years before I got married. I actually, prior to having kids, loved my in-laws (they were divorced but got along well) but what I realized post-kids was that my in-laws just liked a good time. They loved going out, going to restaurants, going to plays and shows, going to events and having ADULT fun. What they did not enjoy was kids. They were late sleepers and they didn't like crying or freakouts and were just sort of useless in terms of caring for kids. I actually spent a bit pissed about this until I realize they are who they are and it's fine if that's the kind of grandparent they want to be. The kids adore them but they are never, ever responsible for caring for them -- even more a minute. I don't let them babysit (they ask but the one time I let my MIL do it she spent months complaining so that's was enough for me to say thanks but no thanks).

They travel a ton and are burning through retirement so we don't see them tons. It's fine, but I do wonder what will be expected when they are sicker/older.

No. Not overrated. My husband and I have been pretty good parents to our kids (if I do say so myself). But there is a special bond between a grandparent and a grandchild that is unique. I'm so glad that my kids have experienced that wonderful relationship with their grandparents.

I struggle with this on a daily basis- I had wonderful, charming, AMAZING grandparents ... but they practically raised me because my mom was out whoring around and my father was working constantly. So I can't expect my children to have that type of relationship with their grandparents .. because I'm actually raising them. That being said, I mourn for the fact that my children won't experience that and so try my best to let the kids see my parents as often as they can, even though I have serious issues with my Mom and pretty much can't stand her. I get that she's Nana and buys them things and lets them eat candy - and as many other posters have said, they will make their own decisions as they get older. Besides, being a good parent isn't a prerequisite for being an excellent grandparent (as crappy as that is).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't you think it's overrated? I mean, with an average grandparent who is kind of out of touch with reality a little? I am not talking about obvious crazies, neither am I talking about fun, active, and caring grandparents. I am talking about a mediocre grandparent who is more interested in sitting on the couch helping themselves to food in the fridge talking about random stuff and giving unsolicited advice than in actually hanging out with their grandkids, having meaningful interactions with them?

My DS has a grandpa like this. We respect the grandpa, see him semi-regularly, treat him with kindness and always speak well of him. If he did not exist, it wouldn't change DS's life one iota.

My grandmother had a long-time boyfriend, Joe (they didn't marry for social security or estate planning reasons). Joe sat on the couch. He was a really big guy, and at least partially blind and it was rare for us to see Joe out of his chair. Joe didn't talk much. I really liked Joe. If you asked, he could recite all the presidents and the vice-presidents in order which impressed the heck out of kid-me. He talked about stuff that was probably boring to most, but I liked it. Every once in a while he'd give me a shiny quarter. I bet my parents never noticed that I liked the guy. Off-topic, but when my grandmother who owned the house died, poor Joe had to go to a home because his kids didn't want to take care of him and we never saw Joe again. I'm not sure our family even knew where he ended up; it was sad. I still think about Joe from time to time. He was just a nice man. So, don't assume what your kids think or how they perceive the interactions.

My mom is a phenomenal grandparent. I can't even begin to describe how lucky we were to have her from day one. My dad, OTOH, is an absent grandparent. He may care deep down inside, but it's so deep, neither me, nor anybody else is capable of having any relationship with him. Let alone meaningful and close relationship. His loss.

Anonymous wrote:Don't you think it's overrated? I mean, with an average grandparent who is kind of out of touch with reality a little? I am not talking about obvious crazies, neither am I talking about fun, active, and caring grandparents. I am talking about a mediocre grandparent who is more interested in sitting on the couch helping themselves to food in the fridge talking about random stuff and giving unsolicited advice than in actually hanging out with their grandkids, having meaningful interactions with them?

My DS has a grandpa like this. We respect the grandpa, see him semi-regularly, treat him with kindness and always speak well of him. If he did not exist, it wouldn't change DS's life one iota.

That's what it's like I'm my family. My dad was the only one to get on the floor and play with the kids. The rest sit on the couch and look at their iPads all day.
Of course, my dad is dead now.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's completely relative. Family is amazing - the most special bond you can have.....unless it's not. You don't pick your family, and not all families are great. There are plenty of crappy grandparents (and parents too of course) where the relationship simply doesn't add anything substantive to your life or to theirs. It irks me when people, like some PPs, insist that there is some intrinsic invaluability to it, because then you feel like there is something wrong with you if that's not the relationship you have with your family. In my family, I have that great close relationship with one side and the other side is useless. Same with my daughter's grandparents.

+1

OP, positive relationship cannot be overestimated. You would expect the majority of first positive experiences to come from family, but it doesn't always work that way. If the relationship is meh for whatever reason, it is not important just because there's blood connection.