My brother told me straight out that our family's not attending would be a big statement about both our relationship and my commitment to Judism

Well then they shouldn't have required long-distance travel. And "tour package" is not THAT generous - the flight is what's really expensive. They are doing you no favors.

Anonymous wrote:
It must be difficult for him to understand that you can go to Spain and Italy on vacation, and be too anxious to go to Israel for what is, for him, a stupendously important event. I understand that the Spain trip was traumatic, but in the end, you did go.

I have a cousin and aunt who can't fly because of anxiety, but even I see your brother's point of view. My relatives don't pick and choose their trips - they can't go anywhere, period. My cousin had to change jobs to accommodate her fear of travel.

So... if you really can't make it, be ready to explain to him persuasively why you can't go. Don't go in feeling insulted. And be ready for some backlash.

OP has gone on two international vacations in five years. It doesnt sound like they are constantly jetting around the world. Why should she spent twice-a-decade vacation money on a trip not of her choosing?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's selfish to expect someone to spend that kind of money. Decline.

Not really. Not for a close family member like a sibling for such a special event. Especially because the OP stated that she does take long expensive vacations and that the family is very very close. A haven I believe she stated.

Are you OP's brother? OP, I agree with the other PPs -- I would decline if I were you. When people choose to have a destination event they need to accept that part of the deal is that not everyone will attend.

I absolutely would not go. If your brother really wanted your attendance and the attendance of others so badly he should have the event in a location where you and other can attend. Sounds like his focus is on the trip and the travel as opposed to the actual religious event for his child.

He also sounds kind of controlling. Like he can't believe he can't force you to attend this event. Is he?

You should be able to explain why you can't attend, especially regarding the fear of flying etc. just explain as nicely as possible. Send a heartfelt card. Bottom line you have to do what you have to do. Your immediate family and your own well being come first.

It must be difficult for him to understand that you can go to Spain and Italy on vacation, and be too anxious to go to Israel for what is, for him, a stupendously important event. I understand that the Spain trip was traumatic, but in the end, you did go.

I have a cousin and aunt who can't fly because of anxiety, but even I see your brother's point of view. My relatives don't pick and choose their trips - they can't go anywhere, period. My cousin had to change jobs to accommodate her fear of travel.

So... if you really can't make it, be ready to explain to him persuasively why you can't go. Don't go in feeling insulted. And be ready for some backlash.

Anonymous wrote:People can you read? OP already said her brother is paying for this?

My brother is paying for a two night/ three day hotel and tour package without airfare. It's a huge stretch for them for that alone. It's not set in stone, but it's looking like the group is upgrading to a 10 day extended tour.

People can you read? OP already said her brother is paying for this?

Anonymous wrote:OP, can't you get meds for flying? My grandma used to take valium.

OP here. I can and I do! As well as a ton of other techniques. So I can manage to get on the plane. It's just an awful experience. It's worth it to be at my neices Bat Mitzvah. The vacation aspect is a totally different calculus.

Anonymous wrote:It's selfish to expect someone to spend that kind of money. Decline.

I 100% agree with this. It's like destination weddings--I hate them. I think it's terrible to expect people to spend all this money to go for your event. I'm sure you have a nice event planned but for many people, this trip may be the only vacation they can afford that year, and they probably don't want to spend it adhering to a schedule they didn't choose and seeing people they might not want to see.

And as with a destination wedding, your brother should be more gracious about you not wanting to attend. It is your choice how you spend your vacation or your money. If Israel is not your thing he shouldn't be mad about it. When you have some far-off, expensive event you NEED to understand not everyone wants to go, no matter your relationship.

OP, can't you get meds for flying? My grandma used to take valium.

Anonymous wrote:I feel ya. I was in the dog house over a family trip to Israel that we did not take.

Your brother is not the arbiter of commitment to Judaism.

Your brother can be angry, and he will either get over it or he won't. If you can manage to go and represent the family, then do so.

Take a Valium on the plane. And if that is too strong, flexorol (lite muscle relaxants).

I won't even admit on an anonymous forum the cocktail I take to get through a 2 hour flight.

Anonymous wrote:Have someone attending the ceremony (could be a paid videographer) Skype with you so you can witness the Bat Mitzvah in the present.

That doesn't work. Inconsistent with Jewish law to record a Saturday ceremony.

I feel ya. I was in the dog house over a family trip to Israel that we did not take.

Your brother is not the arbiter of commitment to Judaism.

Your brother can be angry, and he will either get over it or he won't. If you can manage to go and represent the family, then do so.

Take a Valium on the plane. And if that is too strong, flexorol (lite muscle relaxants).

Dont go.

Have someone attending the ceremony (could be a paid videographer) Skype with you so you can witness the Bat Mitzvah in the present.