Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It appears to me he set up this dynamic in order to escape his share of the load. This isn't about golf.

+1. You're basically on your own as is, so unless he can change and become the engages faher and husband he should be, it's prob time to think about divorce.

+1 Hire a full time nanny to help you and just let him do as he wishes. You have a comfortable life for yourself and your SN children. I think that's a plus you should be grateful for. Your husband is definitely a jerk, but it doesn't sound like he is going to change, so you should adjust and make the best life you can for yourself and your kids.

PP of ^^. To clarify, I don't think divorce is the right option here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It appears to me he set up this dynamic in order to escape his share of the load. This isn't about golf.

+1. You're basically on your own as is, so unless he can change and become the engages faher and husband he should be, it's prob time to think about divorce.

+1 Hire a full time nanny to help you and just let him do as he wishes. You have a comfortable life for yourself and your SN children. I think that's a plus you should be grateful for. Your husband is definitely a jerk, but it doesn't sound like he is going to change, so you should adjust and make the best life you can for yourself and your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:husband here. i dont agree with the "screw golf" theory. i agree that it should be cut down to where one is not doing it every weekend and blocking off valuable time. i disagree with completely stopping because you have kids and a family.

your life and interests dont end because of kids. you work around it and find a balance. you dont get a gold star because you decide to invest the next 18 years of your life to your kids only. thats not healthy in my book. find a balance between kids, family, wife, personal interests and make it work.

youll end up miserable asking about how to get an ap or "complaining" about your no sex having spouse in no time simply focusing on the kids.

I don't really understand your post. I'm ok with my husband golfing 1 day a week but more than that is too much given our situation. I haven't "built my life around my kids" but when dad is gone all the time and my son has health needs what am I supposed to do?

+1 PP is projected a bit, I sense.

Yet another DH here. I work 60+ hours per week because I have to. My son is not SN but even so, I can see the effect that my long hours have on him (and on my wife, who has to carry more of the parenting load). It would never, EVER occur to me to spend whatever free time I can manage away from them, much less every weekend.

I'm sorry to say this but your husband is barely a husband and he's definitely not a dad. He's an ATM, and he can be that whether you're with him or not.

I heard that 75% of marriages with special needs kid end up in divorce. This is probably a good example of why that happens. Your DH is not stepping up to the plate.

He is definitely using work and activities as an excuse to be away from home. Sounds like he is overwhelmed by the kids.

I'd try couples counseling or family therapy before divorcing. Despite him not being around much, it IS harder to be a true single parent if you divorce. I suspect that you would end up with custody 95% of the time.

Maybe you should think about going back to work a little to give yourself a break as well. You may need job skills if you divorce. There is no guarantee that you will get spousal support. And if he makes ALOT of money, you won't get 25% of it for child support.

Anonymous wrote:husband here. i dont agree with the "screw golf" theory. i agree that it should be cut down to where one is not doing it every weekend and blocking off valuable time. i disagree with completely stopping because you have kids and a family.

your life and interests dont end because of kids. you work around it and find a balance. you dont get a gold star because you decide to invest the next 18 years of your life to your kids only. thats not healthy in my book. find a balance between kids, family, wife, personal interests and make it work.

youll end up miserable asking about how to get an ap or "complaining" about your no sex having spouse in no time simply focusing on the kids.

I don't understand your last few sentences. Translation?

Anonymous wrote:husband here. i dont agree with the "screw golf" theory. i agree that it should be cut down to where one is not doing it every weekend and blocking off valuable time. i disagree with completely stopping because you have kids and a family.

your life and interests dont end because of kids. you work around it and find a balance. you dont get a gold star because you decide to invest the next 18 years of your life to your kids only. thats not healthy in my book. find a balance between kids, family, wife, personal interests and make it work.

youll end up miserable asking about how to get an ap or "complaining" about your no sex having spouse in no time simply focusing on the kids.

I don't really understand your post. I'm ok with my husband golfing 1 day a week but more than that is too much given our situation. I haven't "built my life around my kids" but when dad is gone all the time and my son has health needs what am I supposed to do?

Anonymous wrote:Dad here... Screw golf. That part of his life is over. He can resume it in retirement.

x a million

fellow DH and proud former golfer. would never give up time with the family just to play golf.

husband here. i dont agree with the "screw golf" theory. i agree that it should be cut down to where one is not doing it every weekend and blocking off valuable time. i disagree with completely stopping because you have kids and a family.

your life and interests dont end because of kids. you work around it and find a balance. you dont get a gold star because you decide to invest the next 18 years of your life to your kids only. thats not healthy in my book. find a balance between kids, family, wife, personal interests and make it work.

youll end up miserable asking about how to get an ap or "complaining" about your no sex having spouse in no time simply focusing on the kids.

it's clear your husband doesn't value you as a wife or mother. The idea that he would assume he's golfing on Sunday and leaving you with the children and leaving you with making a dinner reservation is just nauseating. What sort of marriage do you have where you do all the childcare and housework and you never have time with your spouse and it never occurs to him to secure some. The fact that he sucks as a father would be the final nail in that marriage coffin for me. You'd be better on your own because I guarantee you'd be happier. And as another PP related from her experience, perhaps divorce would at least shock him into being a better father. I think that's the only thing you can hope for in what you describe. So sad.

I've got kids with SN as well and have been where you are (except money has always been an issue). Like you, I was raising the kids by myself and got to the point that I was ready to divorce because as long as my husband was around, I had expectations of him no matter how hard I tried to let them go. We got to the brink of divorce but he was able to turn it around. However, for the last year, his work schedule has him working every weekend with 2 days off during the week. And, it wasn't like he was cleaning the house or doing laundry on his days off. That meant that I NEVER got a break. Every weekend, I'd be caring for the kids, cleaning, cooking and basically exhausting myself again. After a year, I told him he had to take every other weekend off because that's what he'd need when we were divorced. At least if we were divorced, I'd get a break every other weekend. I'm sorry for your situation.

I may be projecting here but as a parent of a special needs son, that may be the issue. It took my dh awhile to deal with the "loss" of the son he wanted to have and accept the son he has (not that that's ok but it's reality and it happens a lot). Now, they have a great relationship and do things my ds likes to do. And my dh still gets to golf but he does 9 holes at odd times on the weekend rather than 18 at prime time. Finally, some people aren't equipped to be caregivers so you may be expecting too much from him. If you have enough money, then outsource some of what you are doing to give yourself a break.

I was somewhat in your shoes 2 years ago. My son's therapist said my H lack of involvement in my son's life is impacting his mental health.

I should have made my H go to talk to my son's therapist but I didn't because my H is an adult and he needed to make that decision.


Long story short, there was an underlying issue with my H ... We are now divorcing and he spends tons of time with his son's and works less but it literally took a divorce to knock him straight.

I'm sorry OP. He just sounds like a real jerk. I'm usually the first one to say well if you worked things would be forced to be more equal but I don't think that would be the case with him. Has he always been like this? People can't change that completely.

Another dh here.

What an asshole. He probably takes two hour lunches every day.