Newsflash: Divorce is 100% socially acceptable LOL

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was getting divorced, I had many friends tell me that they didn't want to "catch" my divorce. Like it was an air born virus and they couldn't be in the same room with me. Another friend told me I couldn't talk about my divorce with her and that I needed therapy, which was funny because my therapist at that times aid I should talk to my friends about it (but not too much!). I'm remarried now, and some of those friends who treated me like a leper had tried to come crawling back but they showed me their true colors.

There is actually a known phenomenon that the couples that orbit a divorce (friends and family) are more likely to divorce than other couples. Not necessarily defending your friends but that is a real thing.

Perhaps that is because the people who are unhappy and 'need' a divorce see someone else doing it and realize that they might be better off with a divorce than the marriage. Without that, they would have just stayed unhappily married.

Or perhaps it signals that divorce is socially acceptable in your circle and all of a sudden it seems more attractive to separate (because hey! you'll have another divorced friend to support you!) than to spend months in therapy working through complicated relationship issues. You can spin it either way but it is definitely a thing.

http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2013/10/21/is-divorce-contagious/

For those who think the "divorce is contagious" argument is ridiculous:

"Divorce represents the dissolution of a social tie, but it is also possible that attitudes about divorce flow across social ties. To explore how social networks influence divorce and vice versa, we exploit a longitudinal data set from the long-running Framingham Heart Study. The results suggest that divorce can spread between friends. Clusters of divorces extend to two degrees of separation in the network. Popular people are less likely to get divorced, divorcees have denser social networks, and they are much more likely to remarry other divorcees. Interestingly, the presence of children does not influence the likelihood of divorce, but each child reduces the susceptibility to being influenced by peers who get divorced. Overall, the results suggest that attending to the health of one’s friends’ marriages may serve to support and enhance the durability of one’s own relationship, and that, from a policy perspective, divorce should be understood as a collective phenomenon that extends beyond those directly affected."

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1490708

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My mom was dumped by all her married friends 30 years ago when she and my dad split.
I was dumped by all my married friends 5 or so years ago when my ex and I split.

Sad thing is, in both cases, it's the men who were cheaters. Wives did nothing wrong and still got dumped. Very painful life experience.

They were not your friends, PP. I don't know why people call good aquaintances friends all the time. A person cannot have many friends. Only a few, at best. The rest are there for a reason or for a season, as PP said. Nothing to feel sorry about.

I'm married and have multiple friends who have divorced recently. They share custody so have more time than I do to do things like happy hours and going out to bars, so I dont see them as much as they see their single friends/other divorced friends. But we didnt see each other during these times anyway before the divorce because I have small kids and was doing dinner/bedtime/curling up on the couch exhausted regardless of what they were up to.

Yes. My mom was dumped by all her married friends 30 years ago when she and my dad split.
I was dumped by all my married friends 5 or so years ago when my ex and I split.

Sad thing is, in both cases, it's the men who were cheaters. Wives did nothing wrong and still got dumped. Very painful life experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was getting divorced, I had many friends tell me that they didn't want to "catch" my divorce. Like it was an air born virus and they couldn't be in the same room with me. Another friend told me I couldn't talk about my divorce with her and that I needed therapy, which was funny because my therapist at that times aid I should talk to my friends about it (but not too much!). I'm remarried now, and some of those friends who treated me like a leper had tried to come crawling back but they showed me their true colors.

There is actually a known phenomenon that the couples that orbit a divorce (friends and family) are more likely to divorce than other couples. Not necessarily defending your friends but that is a real thing.

Perhaps that is because the people who are unhappy and 'need' a divorce see someone else doing it and realize that they might be better off with a divorce than the marriage. Without that, they would have just stayed unhappily married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was getting divorced, I had many friends tell me that they didn't want to "catch" my divorce. Like it was an air born virus and they couldn't be in the same room with me. Another friend told me I couldn't talk about my divorce with her and that I needed therapy, which was funny because my therapist at that times aid I should talk to my friends about it (but not too much!). I'm remarried now, and some of those friends who treated me like a leper had tried to come crawling back but they showed me their true colors.

I actually agree with this thinking. If my friends were divorcing it might be the impetus I need to divorce, whereas if I stick it out around married people I might stick it out and make it work with DH.

I'd rather have the married influence to help me stay married.

I agree with PP. This is so sad. You should talk to your DH or a professional about about how unhappy you are if the only thing hold you together is your friends.

And OP- I certainly had friends who treated me like I had the plague when I got divorced. Good riddance. And no, I wasn't "after" their boring ass husbands. Blech. I have my soul mate now and I know who my real friends are. It will all be ok in the end.

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't bother me until your single self wants me to do the single thing with you or you start looking at my husband like a hungry cougar. Then I have to hurt your feelings and be done with you.

Lol. True enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was getting divorced, I had many friends tell me that they didn't want to "catch" my divorce. Like it was an air born virus and they couldn't be in the same room with me. Another friend told me I couldn't talk about my divorce with her and that I needed therapy, which was funny because my therapist at that times aid I should talk to my friends about it (but not too much!). I'm remarried now, and some of those friends who treated me like a leper had tried to come crawling back but they showed me their true colors.

I actually agree with this thinking. If my friends were divorcing it might be the impetus I need to divorce, whereas if I stick it out around married people I might stick it out and make it work with DH.

I'd rather have the married influence to help me stay married

I don't even know what to say this this.......I feel sorry for you and your husband. I want my DH to want to stay married to me, not stay married because he's influenced by his married friends.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're paranoid or that this is in your head. I've had the exact same experience with my married friends. I can come up with a few potential reasons:
1) They're scared that divorce is 'contagious' and they'll catch it if they're too close to you
2) They're afraid that you'll go after their husband
3) Couples prefer to socialize with couples

I suggest you try meetup groups and other avenues for making new friends. The ones who are your real friends will become obvious. The rest - well, you don't need them.

LOL I thought the same thing!

If married you were friends with married couples, they may be uneasy about hanging out with your and your ex separately. But when it comes to your personal friends, I can't see why it would really matter. Not to say that people don't get all kinds of crazy ideas in their heads.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was getting divorced, I had many friends tell me that they didn't want to "catch" my divorce. Like it was an air born virus and they couldn't be in the same room with me. Another friend told me I couldn't talk about my divorce with her and that I needed therapy, which was funny because my therapist at that times aid I should talk to my friends about it (but not too much!). I'm remarried now, and some of those friends who treated me like a leper had tried to come crawling back but they showed me their true colors.

WTF??? Wow.

That may be one of the dumbest things someone has typed on here.

Divorces happen for a variety of reasons, but treating it like an illness, your "friends" are not "friends" to begin with if they act like this. Your therapist was right, and being social helps to take your mind off things for a few hours, whether it is hanging out with friends, going to see a play/movie, or playing sports.

Divorce does follow epidemiological patterns.

But, that's incidental. I know my wife didn't hang around as much with some of her friends after their divorce simply because their social activities switched from family-focused to those of a single woman -- mainly my wife didn't want to go hang out in bars with single women who had their eye out for a hook up.

However, when we have parties and social gatherings at our house, those women are very welcome to attend.

PP, nobody wants your middle aged husband with kids. Chill...

I've only had one buddy cut me off, but her marriage has been in shambles since day 1. She tried to talk me out of leaving. We were friends for a season, which was fine. My other friends, zero impact. I've always maintained a mix of single/married/divorced friends though.

Doesn't bother me until your single self wants me to do the single thing with you or you start looking at my husband like a hungry cougar. Then I have to hurt your feelings and be done with you.