Anonymous
05/03/2016 16:19
Subject: Re:is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My parents would not come until the baby was a week old. My mother wanted us to have our "bonding time". THen they stayed for 6 days. The ended up visits once or twice a year for the next 15. My in-laws did not come for several week for the first one and never for the second one. In both cases, we visited far more often than they did.
How old are your parents? IME, baby boomer grandparents tend to be around more than pre-war parents. All of my children's grandparents were depression babies.
Parents are in their 70s, so basically boomers.
To me, it reads like they are very caught up with their own lives, and so kind of detached from their kids - but I feel so unkind thinking that. (Also, like I said, not my battle, not my issue, not my kid. Just seems really weird to me.)
2-3 hour daily round trip is a lot. Anyone offer to let them stay over for a night. I suppose most of thrir time was spent loitering in the hospital with 15 -30 seeing the mom and baby.
Anonymous
05/03/2016 15:40
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
OP again - I really do appreciate everyone's perspective.
Maybe you all are collectively right, and what on first blush looks like a puzzling disinterest is really just being considerate.
Maybe you all are collectively right, and what on first blush looks like a puzzling disinterest is really just being considerate.
Anonymous
05/03/2016 15:36
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
I like my ILs but would not want them around that much right after birth. I think the fact that it's your brothers kid is a huge piece of this, and I think your parents are awesome for giving the new family space.
Anonymous
05/03/2016 15:20
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
OP, they may very well be doing your sibling a kindness - while I think parents are welcome in the NICU, my understanding is that it's not a place for other relatives to spend a lot of time (if any, depending on the rules). Many people, myself included, also have a hard time in hospitals - it doesn't mean they don't love their new grandchild, but being in the hospital may be hard for them and they may feel like they don't really belong there.
Anonymous
05/03/2016 15:07
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
Anonymous wrote:You guys are all very astute. The sib is my brother, and I do know that my parents did go into this not wanting to impose - but still, this seems too far in the other direction.
My SIL is awesome, and she and my parents get along really well. She'd have been clear if she needed space, or didn't want them around too much (she's a good communicator and has clear boundaries) and I am sure she didn't say that to them.
I really don't know what it is. When I spoke with my mom about it, she didn't say that she was trying to give them space, or didn't like the NICU, or anything like that. She just said she was busy.
I don't think my sib and I will be too busy for our parents when they get older and need our help. We are all close, and have good relationships, which is part of why this one thing seems so odd to me.
You don't, actually, know what she said to them. If she's such a great communicator, she might have told your parents that it's silly for them to come often while the baby is in the NICU, that she'll let them know if there's anything they can do to help, etc. Maybe they talked about it before the baby was even born. If they get along well, and are able to communicate clearly, and no one is telling you that they are unhappy with the situation, why do you assume there is something wrong with it?
I mean, why are you questioning your mom on how often she's visiting? You're way over-invested in this. The baby has been alive for less than a week, and already you think your parents aren't visiting enough. God help them if you have a kid.
Anonymous
05/03/2016 15:02
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
Anonymous wrote:This isn't my kid, it's my sibling's kid, who isn't upset or anything. I'm just puzzled by how our parents are reacting to their first grandchild, and looking for perspective.
Baby was just born over the weekend, and is in the NICU. Our parents - the baby's grandparents - live about an hour away.
Grandparents didn't come to visit the first day. The second day, they came to see the baby after lunch (ran errands in the morning) and stayed most of the day.
Now they aren't planning to come back again to see the baby until a week from now. They have things to do - but they could definitely make time if they wanted. They really aren't *that* busy.
My sibling doesn't seem upset (or at least hasn't said so) so this isn't a question of what to do or anything like that. More just, I am confused that they seem not so excited to go spend time with their first grandchild. I'd have thought they would be up there every day, especially while baby is in the NICU.
Does this seem odd to you? Am I being silly to be a little upset on my sibling's behalf that our parents seem so, I don't know, blase about this?
Nothing about this seems odd, and it's silly of you to be upset on your brother's behalf. The baby is in the NICU, so "spending time with their first grandchild" is not what it would be when the baby gets home. They came to visit the second day (I know I didn't even want visitors the first day), and they plan on coming back in a week. This seems pretty normal to me. Visiting every day isn't helpful to your brother and SIL, and uses up gas and time for little purpose. You're projecting what you think you would do onto them and then deciding that they are coming up short. That's not a great way to measure it.
Anonymous
05/03/2016 15:01
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
The NICU is the important piece of the puzzle. It could very well have a strict visiting limit, in which case, why would your parents want to take up a spot? And just sitting around with me while I go through something is not supportive for me, it's intrusive, and that's not an unusual take.
Anonymous
05/03/2016 13:16
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
Yeah I get along just fine with my MIL/FIL, but I didn't need them hanging around the hospital. I had tearing, my boobs were out, I was exhausted. It's different when it's your son who has the kid vs your daughter. It just is.
I wouldn't accuse them of being checked out until this baby has been around a bit longer.
I wouldn't accuse them of being checked out until this baby has been around a bit longer.
Anonymous
05/03/2016 13:09
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
You guys are all very astute. The sib is my brother, and I do know that my parents did go into this not wanting to impose - but still, this seems too far in the other direction.
My SIL is awesome, and she and my parents get along really well. She'd have been clear if she needed space, or didn't want them around too much (she's a good communicator and has clear boundaries) and I am sure she didn't say that to them.
I really don't know what it is. When I spoke with my mom about it, she didn't say that she was trying to give them space, or didn't like the NICU, or anything like that. She just said she was busy.
I don't think my sib and I will be too busy for our parents when they get older and need our help. We are all close, and have good relationships, which is part of why this one thing seems so odd to me.
My SIL is awesome, and she and my parents get along really well. She'd have been clear if she needed space, or didn't want them around too much (she's a good communicator and has clear boundaries) and I am sure she didn't say that to them.
I really don't know what it is. When I spoke with my mom about it, she didn't say that she was trying to give them space, or didn't like the NICU, or anything like that. She just said she was busy.
I don't think my sib and I will be too busy for our parents when they get older and need our help. We are all close, and have good relationships, which is part of why this one thing seems so odd to me.
Anonymous
05/03/2016 13:03
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
Sounds like your sibling is a he, and the spouse is your SIL? How is SIL's relationship with your parents? That would explain it. Or perhaps her parents are there 24/7 and your parents don't want to step on their toes.
Anonymous
05/03/2016 12:57
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that your sibling's DH or DW chased them off? I know my BIL chased off our Mom when she went to stay with my sister when she delivered TWINS! Fine out if there's more to the story.
I am the PP who was questioning whether your parents are retired.
I'd say this is a good possibility, too. From what I've heard, few new grandparents seem to know how to help without making it all about them, or creating more work for the new mom and dad. Some of them get run off with good reason, even if they have good hearts. OP, you might not pick up on why your sibling/sibling-in-law might not want your parents around because they are your parents and we're all used to our parents special brand of dysfunction (Lord knows that I am!). However, when a new family is going through a stressful time, people who - in any way - create stress can be enough to send a new family over the edge. Your parents might have been asked to keep their distance and, being class acts, they aren't complaining to you about it.
They also could be self-absorbed a-holes. Only you know for sure!
Anonymous
05/03/2016 12:37
Subject: Re:is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
I found NICU to be really stressful, even though DD had relatively minor issues. I would not have wanted visitors. So, like PPs have said, consider that this might actually be your sibling's preference.
Anonymous
05/03/2016 11:40
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
The whole NICU scenario is a gamechanger. They might not be able to be in the NICU much--and if your sibling and spouse are in the NICU with the baby all the time, they aren't going to see much of your parents.
And: Is your sibling a sister or brother? If your parents aren't the parents of the one who gave birth, what you described makes total sense. Not every postpartum mom wants her ILs around all the time when she is recovering.
What you described sounds within the range of normal.
And, realize, it could be different when you have children. When you're pregnant, talk with them in advance about what works for both of you.
And: Is your sibling a sister or brother? If your parents aren't the parents of the one who gave birth, what you described makes total sense. Not every postpartum mom wants her ILs around all the time when she is recovering.
What you described sounds within the range of normal.
And, realize, it could be different when you have children. When you're pregnant, talk with them in advance about what works for both of you.
Anonymous
05/03/2016 11:37
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
Babies are no fun at all!
Anonymous
05/03/2016 11:36
Subject: is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby
Is it possible that your sibling's DH or DW chased them off? I know my BIL chased off our Mom when she went to stay with my sister when she delivered TWINS! Fine out if there's more to the story.