Anonymous wrote:Oh, pp here (7:09) and yes, I feel the same way you do, and the above is helping. And I did have an affair. And it was glorious. But it sure as hell didn't help the marriage. Steps 1-4 would NOT have helped without the marriage counseling, but they are concrete steps you can take.

I recommend reading marriage books, websites, too. 5 love languages is pretty good ... google it.

(Mostly) emotional affair helped me to see what I really wanted out of marriage and to kind of stand up for myself and demand it. Downside is that I outdo much emotional energy into it that I was riding 2 emotional roller-coasters instead of just one.

Not OP, but PP that was mean!

Another post by a woman who seems to let life happen and takes ZERO responsibility for her life.

OP please read your post and see that you are not taking an active role in your own life.

Pitiful!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yawn. Couldn't you just join in on one of the 3 identical existing threads about this?

+1. So we are the most educated, relationship savvy generations on earth and our marriages suck?

who says we are relationship savvy?

Anonymous wrote:I've got your back.

Steps to recovering your marriage:

1) move back into the bedroom with him and start having sex. 2x/week, minimum.
2) dates. EVERY WEEK. No joke. Alone time with your spouse. It can be breakfast, lunch, dinner, a walk in the park, I don't care, just some alone time.
3) make time to talk every single day. Not just about the kids. About LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, and EVERYTHING.
4) Non sexual touch. Make it a priority (hugs, touch walking by, etc.)
and yes
5) marriage counseling. Do it.

This is the best advice on here. My guess is that if you get 1-4, you won't need 5.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have reach the natural cycle of a marriage. The physical intimacy has run its course and now it's time to focus on raising your kids.

This is the secret that many couples do not talk about. Sexless marriages are the norm for some. Love, companionship or common interests keeps them together.

You can see couples in the news and guess who may have this type of marriage. I am guessing people like the Clintons may be one.

But it doesn't have to be that way. We have more sex, fun and laughs now with three very young kids than we ever did. The key has been openness about everything (even uncomfortable topics), laughing at ourselves and each other, regular physical connection, date nights (often at home after the kids are in bed), and legitimate effort trying to help each other be better, happier people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat, but I don't know if I can even call my DH a friend. I can't change who my kids' father is, so I'm stuck with him because the grass is not always greener. He treats me more like a mother he's rebelling against. I just ignore him for my own sanity.

This sums up our marriage. We did a few sessions of marriage counseling and the counselor pointed this out too- he's like a rebellious teenager. He'll do little things to spite me (buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke, even though he's not really a smoker, etc.). It's taken a while to warm up to the idea of divorce, but it's starting to sound better and better.

Why not hit the porch and smoke with him? Much more fun that being a detective or sitting inside judging.

Anonymous wrote:Yawn. Couldn't you just join in on one of the 3 identical existing threads about this?

+1. So we are the most educated, relationship savvy generations on earth and our marriages suck?

It sounds like you have reach the natural cycle of a marriage. The physical intimacy has run its course and now it's time to focus on raising your kids.

This is the secret that many couples do not talk about. Sexless marriages are the norm for some. Love, companionship or common interests keeps them together.

You can see couples in the news and guess who may have this type of marriage. I am guessing people like the Clintons may be one.

Anonymous wrote:Previous PP (of two posts). I love you (OP here). I woke up miserable and sad and down.

I am not a saint - believe me. I am not trying to be childish or immature. I am just putting it out there that I am truly just raising kids with DH and we are not happily married. Maybe misery loves company but I wanted to know I am not alone.

I am working on things. I am depressed and am seeing a therapist and am starting to exercise.

OP, (I'm the PP) I'm so glad you are working on things and seeing a therapist and exercising (exercise really helps me!).

I'm not assuming you are a saint. One thing I know is that all of us are flawed. And my flaws are different from yours and his and hers, and I try not to judge people. I know we are all capable of horrible actions.

Things feel overwhelming and sad and flat and miserable right now for you. No, you are not alone. It is easy to let things get out of control bad. The marriage counseling and talking All.The.Time. with my spouse has really helped me. I was depressed and lonely and hurting, but not admitting any of it to my DH, and much less myself.

It sounds like you don't have a connection with your DH. I think you need to be totally honest with him and tell him how much you miss him and what you once were together. And be honest about your feelings ... Both with yourself and him. It is OK to feel all those feelings. Hate, anger, disappointment, regret, sadness .... all ok.

SO big hugs, you can do this.

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat, but I don't know if I can even call my DH a friend. I can't change who my kids' father is, so I'm stuck with him because the grass is not always greener. He treats me more like a mother he's rebelling against. I just ignore him for my own sanity.

This sums up our marriage. We did a few sessions of marriage counseling and the counselor pointed this out too- he's like a rebellious teenager. He'll do little things to spite me (buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke, even though he's not really a smoker, etc.). It's taken a while to warm up to the idea of divorce, but it's starting to sound better and better.

Previous PP (of two posts). I love you (OP here). I woke up miserable and sad and down.

I am not a saint - believe me. I am not trying to be childish or immature. I am just putting it out there that I am truly just raising kids with DH and we are not happily married. Maybe misery loves company but I wanted to know I am not alone.

I am working on things. I am depressed and am seeing a therapist and am starting to exercise.

Oh, pp here (7:09) and yes, I feel the same way you do, and the above is helping. And I did have an affair. And it was glorious. But it sure as hell didn't help the marriage. Steps 1-4 would NOT have helped without the marriage counseling, but they are concrete steps you can take.

I recommend reading marriage books, websites, too. 5 love languages is pretty good ... google it.

I've got your back.

Steps to recovering your marriage:

1) move back into the bedroom with him and start having sex. 2x/week, minimum.
2) dates. EVERY WEEK. No joke. Alone time with your spouse. It can be breakfast, lunch, dinner, a walk in the park, I don't care, just some alone time.
3) make time to talk every single day. Not just about the kids. About LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, and EVERYTHING.
4) Non sexual touch. Make it a priority (hugs, touch walking by, etc.)
and yes
5) marriage counseling. Do it.

Kids = fewer blow jobs/sexy time = less connection for man = less effort put into marriage by man = stagnation .... moral of the story is childfree, big 401k, and lotta $ for vacay