I think lifestyle choices are a bigger deal than clothing choices. By that I mean, it's easy to be friends who some one who likes to host casual dinner parties and game nights, or meet up at the neighborhood easter egg hunt for a play date - regardless of whether she wears designer clothes to that or clothes from Target.

But some one who wants to meet up for tea at a venue that's $70 for some finger sandwiches and a pot of tea - well she's pricing out most folks from her potential friend circle.

After this question, I realized that I don't have any close friends who make significantly more or less than I do.

DH has a close friend who doesn't make a lot of money but his in-laws are rich. They bought a house, car and paid for vacations for him and his wife while they work low paying jobs that fit with their hobbies. I feel a little jealous, but DH doesn't at all. He has friends all over the income spectrum and it doesn't seem to matter. But they're guys and most of their hanging out is going to cigar bars, working out or watching sports on TV, lol.

If I were you, I'd give friendship with this lady a shot. If things get awkward, speak up or stop hanging out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes it's hard. She want to do things that you can't do because of money. She will not think anything for signing the kids up for something that may cost 300-400 and ask you to do the same. Oh the kids will have so much fun etc. Do not be embarrassed when you have to say you can not afford to do what ever it is.

That is one of the things I am embarrassed about - her kids are in tons of activities - my kids aren't in any. I will sign up my youngest for swim lessons in the summer but they will be at the rec center. We go on vacation once a year, to the beach. There really isn't money for a lot of extras, but we take advantage of all the free stuff in this area (parks, trip to the library every week, etc.). I have very happy kids, but our lifestyle is really simple.

Please don't be embarrassed! There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Also, if she's a good person, she's not going to judge you by any of these things. They don't matter and they won't limit a friendship.

We have friends with kids in tons of activities and friends whose kids are in almost none. Same with summer camps. And vacations. And houses. Some are bigger and/or newer, others are not.

It doesn't matter. If we enjoy each other - and if the kids enjoy each other - it works. If not, it doesn't.

Just be you and see where it goes.

Anonymous wrote:I am on the other end of the spectrum. DH earns a very high income and I'm a SAHM. I feel like I am constantly rejected when trying to make plans but I do think it has part to do with the cost of the activity I want to do whether it is with or without the children. i.e. brunch, mani/pedi, festival, etc. People are much more open to do free activities.

humblebrag

Echo the others who said it is no problem, as long as you don't stretch yourself trying to keep up with her. If she suggests something too spendy, just be honest and say it sounds great but you guys are on a budget and you can't swing it. Only a jerk would make you feel bad about that, and you don't want to be friends with jerks. You may not spend as much time together as you would if you could afford to join her for SoulCycle every week or whatever, but you can absolutely still be friends.

When I spend time with friends who are on a tight budget, we just hang out at the park or at one of our homes instead of going to brunch. Similarly, when my friends w/no budget at all invite me to do some fancy thing I can't afford, I just decline.

I am on the other end of the spectrum. DH earns a very high income and I'm a SAHM. I feel like I am constantly rejected when trying to make plans but I do think it has part to do with the cost of the activity I want to do whether it is with or without the children. i.e. brunch, mani/pedi, festival, etc. People are much more open to do free activities.

Anonymous wrote:

That is one of the things I am embarrassed about - her kids are in tons of activities - my kids aren't in any. I will sign up my youngest for swim lessons in the summer but they will be at the rec center. We go on vacation once a year, to the beach. There really isn't money for a lot of extras, but we take advantage of all the free stuff in this area (parks, trip to the library every week, etc.). I have very happy kids, but our lifestyle is really simple.

Please don't be embarrassed! You are a parent working hard to provide food, shelter, clothing and education to your kids. That is success. I grew up with working class roots and can't help but feel like we've forgotten that there is honor in work. Not just some types of work, but all honest work.

I have a friend who makes much more than we do. It never used to be a problem at all until the past year or so. However she is starting to grate on me because she either a) truly doesnt seem to understand that people make less than they do and therefore can't afford what she can or b) is just showing off. I can't decide which it is but I am leaning towards the latter.

We have been friends for a while, and it has started to bother me in some ways...such as when she acts as if everyone can afford to take their nanny on vacation. I've been pulling back from her lately because, honestly, the money talk has gotten old.

Yes.

My oldest and closest friend has always struggled with money as an adult. On the other hand, I've always struggled with my marriage. It takes a combination of me being sensitive to her, not just her budget but her tastes, and her being sensitive about how wonderfully her husband treats her She's a school teacher, has never developed a taste for eating out other than at diners, and doesn't really drink. We spend time together just walking her dog, or meeting for coffee. I have other acquaintances or friends who are not as close who have more of an entertainment budget, and we go out to dinner, movies, shows, travel, etc. with those friends.

If you are on the poor end, then yes, it is sometimes hard to maintain friendships with people who earn much more than you. Obviously it depends on the person and their values...but inevitably it will interfere....whether its asking you to go to some expensive event, taking your kids somewhere, eating out at an expensive restaurant, not understanding why you don't go on vacation....it will become uncomfortable if you can't afford it, and they don't understand why...

Some people are just plain clueless and talk about their wealth without regard for the other people in the conversation. Sometimes its on purpose, or sometimes they are just unbelievably naive to the way others live their lives.

It will become even more uncomfortable if they ask you over to their house, or to meet them at some social event where all their other wealthy friends attend. Maybe the friend is nice and does not judge...but you can't count on that from their friends.

Trust me, I've been in this situation. I feel bad. My one friend is very sweet, but she says things around me about money without regard to how we live our life and the struggles we've had. I like her, but I don't like her friends. They judge what you drive, what you wear and where you live...that's all people ask....oh, and what you do for a living...wait you work??? you don't stay home? Wow I would hate to leave my child everyday...then it turns into one of those conversations...

Anyway, yes, it can be hard. You can give her a chance, but I cannot promise it will be easy, at least not for you. On the other hand, maybe she's cool and doesn't want to deal with uppity people....so it could work out I guess. It probably is worth giving it a try.

As others have said, it all depends on how she acts around you. If she's not pretentious about it and she doesn't make you feel bad about yourself, go ahead.

My own experience with one woman made me
realize we couldn't be friends after she bragged about her $2m + house, called my house tiny, basically told me I couldn't afford to shop where she did. No thanks.

OP, I kind of think you're lucky to find someone in this area that's showing an interest in building a friendship with you. That's difficult in this area. Give her a chance -- over time you'll discover whether or not you want this person in your inner circle-- but don't let her wealth be the deciding factor.

We make quite a bit, and frankly I get very bored at the parties where the moms like to talk incessantly about shopping or in depth about Jimmy's karate or baseball team or the PTA drama. I sometimes gravitate to the husbands who are at least talking about work or sports.

So, when I choose new mom friends, I like interesting people, who like to talk about world events, books, interests, and don't care a bit about wealth. In fact, I tend to like more quirky, off the beaten path people. I kind of avoid the sorority girls turned moms.

Anonymous wrote:In theory no, but I find that the wealthy moms I met at our DC preschool had very little interest in befriending (or even acknowledging) anyone who wasn't also wealthy.

some people never mature beyond high school i guess.....