Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 13:47     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Yes, it's unreasonable that you have to ask for money for this things. You should have a joint account and but what you need.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 13:44     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:ITA with these PPs - when I stayed at home, i did the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and spent funds from the joint account. WTF OP? Now that I am working outside the home, I purposely took a job with much less responsibility and hours than DH so I can maintain the household w/out outsourcing. I would rather do the work myself and build our own coffers, rather than those of hired help.


You would hate me. I stay at home and have a regular housekeeper and a part time nanny who comes 20 hours/week. I like outsourcing and I treat these people well. Our coffers are fine.


My DH and I both work (although I wish I'd had a chance to be a SAHM for at least a few years.) We find that it pays off to outsource a lot of work, and then we can be more productive at work and make more money. Growing up, my mom was a realtor in the 70's and 80's (and was the primary breadwinner in our house.) She said that she could make more money out showing houses than cleaning our house on a Saturday. So in contrast to PP, you don't necessarily get ahead financially just by doing all household tasks yourself.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 12:38     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:ITA with these PPs - when I stayed at home, i did the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and spent funds from the joint account. WTF OP? Now that I am working outside the home, I purposely took a job with much less responsibility and hours than DH so I can maintain the household w/out outsourcing. I would rather do the work myself and build our own coffers, rather than those of hired help.


I don't really care about your take on outsourcing, not to be rude, but DH does almost nothing wrt childcare and housework, and SAHM doesn't mean 24/7 on call. I know I need a few hours per week to go to the gym and have a little adult time, and I know I want to spend the weekends doing stuff with our kid and not cleaning the bathroom and mopping floors.


Not OP or PP, but I totally agree with OP. SAHM are not slaves. They take care of the kids and household during working hours, and then after work hours, everything should be split 50/50. That's not a reality in many marriages, and so outsourcing often helps maintain everyone's sanity.


How long does it take to clean a bathroom and mop floors during the week? Sheesh!


I have 6 bathrooms and over 6000 sq ft to clean, so a long time.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 12:32     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:OP, it took us a while to transition financially. I used some of my savings vs. asking. He did not realize I was doing that. Finally I said something and he started putting money in the joint and I used a credit card he paid. Eventually he changed jobs and all money got put in the joint so I had equal access. Now I pay the bills and do everything.


Yes! This is what just happened to me pp. I used my savings, which dries up quickly when you don't contribute to it.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 12:26     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
I SAH and cannot imagine having to ask my DH for an allowance. We have joint accounts and I can transfer money into mine whenever I need. We both trust each other and I would consult him if I was going to spend a lot of money on something. We have a house cleaner come every other week and get baby sitters occassionally for date nights or if I need or want to do something while he's working.

The dynamic of having to ask for money seems pretty awful. I mean if I wanted to buy a 1,000 purse, I would run that by DH, but if you have to ask for money for groceries, that seems like not a great thing in a marriage.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 12:23     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:ITA with these PPs - when I stayed at home, i did the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and spent funds from the joint account. WTF OP? Now that I am working outside the home, I purposely took a job with much less responsibility and hours than DH so I can maintain the household w/out outsourcing. I would rather do the work myself and build our own coffers, rather than those of hired help.


I don't really care about your take on outsourcing, not to be rude, but DH does almost nothing wrt childcare and housework, and SAHM doesn't mean 24/7 on call. I know I need a few hours per week to go to the gym and have a little adult time, and I know I want to spend the weekends doing stuff with our kid and not cleaning the bathroom and mopping floors.


Not OP or PP, but I totally agree with OP. SAHM are not slaves. They take care of the kids and household during working hours, and then after work hours, everything should be split 50/50. That's not a reality in many marriages, and so outsourcing often helps maintain everyone's sanity.


How long does it take to clean a bathroom and mop floors during the week? Sheesh!
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 12:21     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Maybe you could set a budget, but not ask for money.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 12:16     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
OP, it took us a while to transition financially. I used some of my savings vs. asking. He did not realize I was doing that. Finally I said something and he started putting money in the joint and I used a credit card he paid. Eventually he changed jobs and all money got put in the joint so I had equal access. Now I pay the bills and do everything.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 12:07     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:Given that this is at least the second thread in a month about a SAHM asking her husband for an allowance, I'm compelled to ask how that works. Do you not have access to a mutual bank account?

In my marriage, and I would think most others, we're a team of equals. It's a team bank account, team decisions on major financial issues, etc. When someone on the team makes money, it goes into the account. When someone on the team needs money s/he takes it out.

I couldn't be in a situation where someone else controls the purse strings and I had to request money from them like a kid. Being a sahp does not make a person a lesser member of the team.

Are you really ok with that?


Op here, I just want to thank everyone for the new perspective. We did not handle the transition well.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 11:58     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:SAHP means you take care of the household --- the house itself and the members of it.

Sure if you have it, a house cleaner is nice but otherwise it's on you. And the babysitting money should come out of your discretionary $100. You're responsible for the care of the household members. If you choose to outsource that for a few hours, that's fine but it comes out of "your" money.

Also a good home economist should be able to feed a family of 2 adults and a toddler on less than $100/week.


He he. I was an actual economist and I spend at least $250/week on groceries. Who wants to eat rice and beans all of the time? No one!
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 11:57     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:ITA with these PPs - when I stayed at home, i did the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and spent funds from the joint account. WTF OP? Now that I am working outside the home, I purposely took a job with much less responsibility and hours than DH so I can maintain the household w/out outsourcing. I would rather do the work myself and build our own coffers, rather than those of hired help.


You would hate me. I stay at home and have a regular housekeeper and a part time nanny who comes 20 hours/week. I like outsourcing and I treat these people well. Our coffers are fine.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 11:56     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:SAHP means you take care of the household --- the house itself and the members of it.

Sure if you have it, a house cleaner is nice but otherwise it's on you. And the babysitting money should come out of your discretionary $100. You're responsible for the care of the household members. If you choose to outsource that for a few hours, that's fine but it comes out of "your" money.

Also a good home economist should be able to feed a family of 2 adults and a toddler on less than $100/week.


LOL. "Home economist"?!? How old are you? Granny, things have changed.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 11:54     Subject: Re:Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I sure do hope you're a troll. In fact I definitely think you're a troll. Did you never discuss this with your DH prior to your decision?

I'm a SAHM, have never had to ask for money. Ever. You're in a marriage together and the bank account should be joint.



I wish I was a troll. The reality is I got married and had a kid late in life. We've only been married 6 years, and I was pretty much set in my dis axial ways and so was he. We created some joint saving goals (kid college, house, retirement etc) and the rest was our own money to do as we liked. Since we were making the same it was no big deal.


So now everything should be joint and you should make a budget together! You should not be on call 24/7, but whether the amount is reasonable depends on your overall budget. You should also ask him to take on kid responsibilities 1 time a week while you go to the gym or something. It's good for both of them.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 11:54     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:ITA with these PPs - when I stayed at home, i did the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and spent funds from the joint account. WTF OP? Now that I am working outside the home, I purposely took a job with much less responsibility and hours than DH so I can maintain the household w/out outsourcing. I would rather do the work myself and build our own coffers, rather than those of hired help.


I don't really care about your take on outsourcing, not to be rude, but DH does almost nothing wrt childcare and housework, and SAHM doesn't mean 24/7 on call. I know I need a few hours per week to go to the gym and have a little adult time, and I know I want to spend the weekends doing stuff with our kid and not cleaning the bathroom and mopping floors.


Not OP or PP, but I totally agree with OP. SAHM are not slaves. They take care of the kids and household during working hours, and then after work hours, everything should be split 50/50. That's not a reality in many marriages, and so outsourcing often helps maintain everyone's sanity.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2016 11:52     Subject: Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:Once you stop working all money should be joint and you should not have to ask.


This. It's fine to work out a budget. I'd just talk to my husband about household expenses and say this is how much I need (household, food, doctors appointments, gas, fun money, clothing, etc.). So he knows how much is coming out each month (I'm assuming he handles the $ since you are asking this question).

And we generally discuss the purchase of larger items, like $300 or more.

If you have problems handling money, then an "allowance" might be the best way to go, and deposit it into your own account. But otherwise, straight out of the joint account as needed sounds good to me.