Anonymous wrote:I am curious how people felt during and after they cleaned out a parent's living space during a downsizing. My mom was downsized to an apartment after living in a three bedroom ranch for 20 years. It was not the house where I grew up. My sisters and I led the downsizing, finding the apt, organizing the move and now selling the house and getting rid of so, so much extra stuff. My mother, early 70s, is probably depressed and has basically given up all responsibility for herself i.e. can't be bothered to pay bills anymore, demonstrated zero interest in the downsizing process and house sale even though she agreed with it. She has also not shown my sisters and me any gratitude for the work we've put in either. Instead, she complains that she is not getting enough grandkid time because we are busy working on managing her affairs.

Over the years that she lived in her house alone her primary social outlet and recreation was to go to Walmart or Ross or Marshalls and buy cheap household goods and clothes. Finances are an issue so this was not a great way to spend her time on many fronts. She retired early because she didn't want to work anymore even though she had very little in savings. When she stopped working she had no reason to get up in the morning. She rebuffed all family suggestions to find a part time job, do volunteer work, make more friends. Doing things like this was made complicated because I'm from a rural area where opportunities to do anything are minimal compared to the DC area.

She had a house full of crap that she basically walked out of. We could not even hire professional packers as part of the move because her house had so much stuff and none of it was organized. Even though she knew the move was planned she packed none of her own stuff or made any effort to get ready. In her house was tons and tons of decorative objects, 3 closets of clothes that she hadn't worn in 15+ years, more towels and sheets than my family of four, not a hoarder exactly but just so much stuff. Her apt got furnished and there was still a house full of stuff that she never gave another thought to. Never asked any of us once how we were going to manage it or get it clean to sell.

My sisters are local and did most of the work so I did not argue when they said they wanted to have a yard sale. (I did not think the profit would be worth our time.) That also took a ton of work over multiple weekends because the stuff was moved to my sister's house and then set up for the sale. That was this weekend and we got rained on and had to stop about noon. There was still so, so much stuff left. The sister who did most of the work needed to be done with all this. Multiple truckloads of perfectly serviceable objects went to the dump. I am still cringing at the sound of breaking glass and the sight of the piles of clothes and all the stuff that did not sell on the back of the pickup. At this point more sorting for charity was not an option. We set up a few tables with a free sign on the side of the road but everything else went to the landfill. At that point much of the stuff was damp from the rain.

I am having such a hard time with the waste. Here in Mont Co our family of four produces about one kitchen bag of trash a week. We have a lot more recycling. We have a donation box going at all times for the Humane Society Thrift store. We give bigger items to other places. We regularly use that "How do I dispose of" list on the Mo Co Solid Waste website. I'm not a crazy environmental person by any means. I love a trip to Marshalls myself and shopping for a bargain anywhere but I feel so traumatized. The wasted objects that could have benefited others. The environmental destruction of dumping. Among the items that went to the dump were some crocheted bedspreads that my grandmother had made. Nobody wanted them. I could not bring myself to take them just to store them because they are very dated looking. My mom's total ambivalence. I feel like she's already dead because there's no real relationship anymore. I just feel so, so bad and so tired from all the work.

The only good thing to happen out of this weekend was to convince the sister leading the cleanup was that when it's time for my dad's house we will use a professional of some sort. Just wondering what other people felt as they went through this.

Anonymous wrote:OP just wen through with my parents. Downsizing is nice if you are not the one who is downsizing, moving to a small place and waiting to died. So yep she does not want to move to the next sage of life who does? It is very depressing to know the end is coming. Try to have some sympathy. Wait till its your turn and people are putting your life in trash bags and throwing it away. Also I am sure she has done things for you and your sisters that you never thanked her for- maybe call it even? Sounds like she has not been doing well for a long time and no one was there for her.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not asking people to Monday morning quarterback this. I am asking about feelings as others have been through similar situations. I was not in charge. I did what the lead sister wanted to keep the peace. Her plan did not work out all the way hence the dumping. She was trying to make some money for my mom as many items still had tags or were new in the box. She would have been upset at the loss of potential revenue if we had gone my way and donated everything. Please don't tell me what we could have done. And for the record, estate sale companies will not come out just because you want to have a sale. When I helped my inlaws who had pricey stuff and a lot of it (I thought) we had two companies come out and neither would accept the job because there was not enough profit in it for them. The person who posted about decision fatigue nailed it. After a while you just throw up your hands.

Anonymous wrote:How on earth does a family of 4 only have one kitchen trash bag per week? Are you never home? Are all
meals eaten elsewhere? I'm just stumped by that.

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how long you've lived in your house but if it's only been a few years you might be surprised at how much stuff you can accumulate over the course of decades.

We were in our 40's with 2 kids and had lived in our house for nearly 20 years when we decided to move. Ugh, the moving process was incredible - so much stuff! We sold a lot of it, donated a good deal and tossed a fair amount too. We still managed to fill up our new and bigger house! Crazy.

Your 70 year old mom likely found herself with very little money to do anything. Probably not much in the way of money for traveling, entertainment. Her little trips to the store constituted her entertainment and kept things interesting for her. Don't begrudge her that.

If your family of 4 is only making one bag of trash per week I would be willing to bet that that is because you are eating out and going out to activities a lot. That will probably change when the kids get a little older and start going to their activities without you.