Anonymous wrote:OP here once again: does anyone think I'm being a total jerk about this? I'm honestly fighting back panic attacks every time I walk into my house and lay fresh eyes on the mess. I'm one of those people whose mood is deeply affected by my house being dirty or disorganized. She knows this. I've been like this our whole lives.

And yet I hear her on the phone at least once a day with our mother, laughing about what a bitch I am for "needing the house to look perfect all the time." They keep saying I need to go to therapy for my "control issues" and that I'm OCD. Like...fine, I'm a bit meticulous but if I were living for free in someone's house, I'd definitely try to keep things to their standards. Am I really being a bitch?

You are NOT a jerk. It was over when she said "back the fuck off." Nobody treats me like that. Don't let them treat "you" like that.

It sounds like you are the scapegoat in a sick, dysfunctional family. Your mother is horrid and you need to deal with the fact that she hasn't been much of a mother to you. You did not get a mother that any child deserves.

It sounds like you are chasing after your mother for approval/love by tolerating this.

Op it is very screwed up that you feel guilt over this. What type of mother pits their children against one another like this. Your mother sees nothing wrong with hurting you and showing you that you mean less. What type of parent does this?

Anonymous wrote:OP, why doesn't your sister move in with your mother?

OP here: I actually asked both of them about this but she basically falls into the same category as the boyfriend: not there to help, just...there, I guess.

I know people are getting frustrated with me, telling me to grow a backbone, etc. But this is the role I've played in my family for a long time. I'm the "bummer" who follows rules and wants things done a certain way...and my mother and sister are the fun girls who roll their eyes at me. So I guess I've gotten in a bad habit myself (that is, assuming I'm the problem and just need to chill out).

I'm on my way back home now and she's supposed to meet me there to start packing. I've dropped my son off at his friends' house to keep him away from the inevitable drama. I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks so much for the support today. I can't wait to have my house back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again: does anyone think I'm being a total jerk about this? I'm honestly fighting back panic attacks every time I walk into my house and lay fresh eyes on the mess. I'm one of those people whose mood is deeply affected by my house being dirty or disorganized. She knows this. I've been like this our whole lives.

And yet I hear her on the phone at least once a day with our mother, laughing about what a bitch I am for "needing the house to look perfect all the time." They keep saying I need to go to therapy for my "control issues" and that I'm OCD. Like...fine, I'm a bit meticulous but if I were living for free in someone's house, I'd definitely try to keep things to their standards. Am I really being a bitch?

I don't think you're being enough of a bitch. Grow a backbone and kick her out now. Screw her and your mother.

I agree 100%. OP - you need to grow a backbone. You said in an earlier message that you don't want to do the "stuff outside, locks changed" thing because it hasn't come to that. Wake up, sweetheart. IT HAS. How long has she been there?! How long has she been telling you that she's moving out?

If you don't grow a backbone, then you need to quit bitching and accept that your sister will just walk all over you for the rest of your life.

Something else you can do is pack up her stuff, put it outside, and then you and your son go on a weekend vacation (after changing the locks) so you can avoid the worst of her craziness. It might seem cowardly, but that's what I would probably do.

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again: does anyone think I'm being a total jerk about this? I'm honestly fighting back panic attacks every time I walk into my house and lay fresh eyes on the mess. I'm one of those people whose mood is deeply affected by my house being dirty or disorganized. She knows this. I've been like this our whole lives.

And yet I hear her on the phone at least once a day with our mother, laughing about what a bitch I am for "needing the house to look perfect all the time." They keep saying I need to go to therapy for my "control issues" and that I'm OCD. Like...fine, I'm a bit meticulous but if I were living for free in someone's house, I'd definitely try to keep things to their standards. Am I really being a bitch?

Do you have some friends you can call to help you pack up her stuff? At least pack up some of it and put it outside or in the garage. She's NOT going to leave on her own. She's just not. But you also need to face the fact that once she moves out, you probably won't hear from her again, unless she needs money or something else from you. The sisterly relationship you want is not available from her, unless/until she matures. I'm so sorry.

OP, why doesn't your sister move in with your mother?

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again: does anyone think I'm being a total jerk about this? I'm honestly fighting back panic attacks every time I walk into my house and lay fresh eyes on the mess. I'm one of those people whose mood is deeply affected by my house being dirty or disorganized. She knows this. I've been like this our whole lives.

And yet I hear her on the phone at least once a day with our mother, laughing about what a bitch I am for "needing the house to look perfect all the time." They keep saying I need to go to therapy for my "control issues" and that I'm OCD. Like...fine, I'm a bit meticulous but if I were living for free in someone's house, I'd definitely try to keep things to their standards. Am I really being a bitch?

God, no, op!!! There's a really unhealthy dynamic between you, your sister and your mother. Even if you are ocd, so what, you have your own house and you get to live as you'd like. She's behaving like a teenager and your mother is a huge sick enabler of it. Why isn't your sister living with her?

I haven't read it myself, but there's a book called "Boundaries", author's last name is Cloud, that I see recommended in cases like yours. Go get a copy today and see if you recognize your situation there.

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again: does anyone think I'm being a total jerk about this? I'm honestly fighting back panic attacks every time I walk into my house and lay fresh eyes on the mess. I'm one of those people whose mood is deeply affected by my house being dirty or disorganized. She knows this. I've been like this our whole lives.

And yet I hear her on the phone at least once a day with our mother, laughing about what a bitch I am for "needing the house to look perfect all the time." They keep saying I need to go to therapy for my "control issues" and that I'm OCD. Like...fine, I'm a bit meticulous but if I were living for free in someone's house, I'd definitely try to keep things to their standards. Am I really being a bitch?

I don't think you're being enough of a bitch. Grow a backbone and kick her out now. Screw her and your mother.

OP here once again: does anyone think I'm being a total jerk about this? I'm honestly fighting back panic attacks every time I walk into my house and lay fresh eyes on the mess. I'm one of those people whose mood is deeply affected by my house being dirty or disorganized. She knows this. I've been like this our whole lives.

And yet I hear her on the phone at least once a day with our mother, laughing about what a bitch I am for "needing the house to look perfect all the time." They keep saying I need to go to therapy for my "control issues" and that I'm OCD. Like...fine, I'm a bit meticulous but if I were living for free in someone's house, I'd definitely try to keep things to their standards. Am I really being a bitch?

Pack her stuff up. Today. Or at least do all the things that aren't absolutely fragile or expensive. If it's a lot, hire College Hunks or someone to do the move for you. Tell her the date and tell her they'll leave the stuff out front of her apartment if, in the event she can't even be bothered to deal with her move and assist, she's not there to let them in. If she gets mad that you packed her stuff, just say you were trying to help since she seemed to be having trouble focusing and getting things done.

Your sister is majorly shitting all over you. Seriously. You've been more than patient. And you should email your mother a detailed summary of everything you've done for your sister and the things your sister has done to you. Take pictures now of how she has left your place, since in future she will deny it, say you exaggerated, or rewrite history.

Keep us posted and good luck!

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure she actually has the apartment? Does she have the keys? And, by any chance do you have a garage? How much stuff does she have? Furniture or just personal items? I would pack it all up and place the boxes in a garage or room and change the locks. Sooner or later she will want her stuff and come looking for you. No more texts from your end demanding the move. That is not working. Sorry OP, too stressful.

OP here: Sigh...I actually have not seen any keys or a lease or anything. I'm taking her at her word. I really, truly hope this place actually exists. I hadn't thought of that.

I do not have a garage or anything. I also don't really have a whole day to spend cleaning up this mess and packing her stuff into neat, labeled boxes. I feel like she's actually waiting for me to do that. Even if I spitefully stuffed everything into trash bags, it would take up hours of my time. She has SO MUCH STUFF. I also can't move some of her furniture by myself.

You need to get her out of your house today.

Are you sure she actually has the apartment? Does she have the keys? And, by any chance do you have a garage? How much stuff does she have? Furniture or just personal items? I would pack it all up and place the boxes in a garage or room and change the locks. Sooner or later she will want her stuff and come looking for you. No more texts from your end demanding the move. That is not working. Sorry OP, too stressful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she sleeping over there? Has she moved anything over yet? Sorry, op. I think things are just going to suck for a bit. This isn't your doing. She needs to grow up and hopefully this will help get her there.

OP here: this is kind of another great part to the story...she has a boyfriend...who apparently is not at all interested in helping her out with this process. But anyway, she stays with him a lot and has been just leaving her mess here while she disappears to his place for days.

Wow, op. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I wish I knew you IRL, I'd come help pack it all up! Hugs.

Ha, I like you. Thanks so much