Anonymous wrote:wow. are you sure to want to stay married? I'm sorry. I could NOT TOLERATE someone telling me how to parents, and in SUCH ridiculous exacting terms.

I was all set to say "oh! my husband had OCD issues too!" but then i read your message, and that is not OCD. that is 100% controlling and could easily turn worse. I'm sorry OP!

I wonder sometimes. I can't tolerate it sometimes. Its like death by a thousand paper cuts. I take refuge in work or running. Here's the thing, he's not physically abusive, he doesn't use foul language, and he will never have an affair (see rigid moral values). So...pretty sure we'll end up with a joint custody situation, am I right? So that means my kids will have to deal with the perfectionist attitude on their own, half the time, without me to balance it out? Ugh.

Just not sure what's the right choice here. I get that he loves me in his own weird way. He asks for my opinion before he makes any career choice. He often listens to me - or at least, it feels like we've made the decision together. He'll get my preferences if we're buying something, more often just going with what I want (say new wood paneling in our guest bathroom or whatever). He remembers (before me) all our first "days" (first date, proposal, etc.). He's very complimentary of my appearance, and my career/intellect, although in general he doesn't comment on people's appearances or how much money they make. But boy, will he notice if he's at your house and you've put something recyclable in the trash! He'll definitely comment to me about that later, aghast.

Thanks for everyone's support. I called my therapist and said I need to see her weekly (not every other week) and am seeing her tomorrow, and I and talked to my PCP and asked for an SSRI. I've never been on one before, but I've been feeling so very down about this lately that I've been dreading waking up every morning. She's given my a referral for a psychiatrist so we'll see.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you've described doesn't sound like OCD, it sounds more like Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder--perfectionistic, rigid, controlling:

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-symptoms/

This might just be the way he is--personality disorders are hard to treat, and people usually don't willingly seek help if they have one.

Good luck, it sounds like a tough situation to be in.

wow, okay, thanks. That describes him really well actually, down to the "Is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values " and "Is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value".

Yes, great link, thanks for posting! You mentioned his language, what is his culture/ethnicity OP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to go away for a week. Perhaps your mother is sick or your college best friend is getting chemo. In any case, these will be his responsibilities, and he will be keeping up with all of them, because you will be checking via phone and email and reminding him about each and every one.

I don't think this would work with a man as controlling as this. He wouldn't even let her go away, or her have his mom come in to do everything.

Op here. He actually is fine if I take off for a few hours or a few days. He doesn't give me grief about it at all, and can manage the kids on his own. His own mom was a sahm and didn't do half the things I do, so he has never asked her to help.

I think the issue is that he actually DOES do all of this stuff when he's not working. He cooks on weekends, and is the better cook. He works out everyday. He happily attends whatever kid events he can and is a super involved/encouraging dad. He never wastes food. He speaks exclusively in his language to the kids.

He just doesn't get that others can't keep it up, all the time, even if we agree in principle that it's the better way to do things (which I actually do). I used to do a lot of this stuff on my own before I had kids, before I met him even. But now I am too tired to keep it up, all the time.

Interesting. for me and most of my friends it is pulling teeth to get their husbands to do anything, go anywhere. I just came home from a 48 hour work trip and left for a 26 hour family wedding and Sunday afternoon got home. The house looked like every room puked upon itself. Kids clothes were taken off and dropped in at least 6 different rooms (none in the hamper!), dirty plates on the table and counter (none in the sink!), and the front lawn was 8 inches tall.
And my DH was "so tired" all he could do Sunday afternoon was feign office work but at 5pm when I went to the BR he was napping with earplugs in!

Maybe he did get run ragged by the kids when I was gone and then we had to do late night on Saturday.

OP's husband does sound a bit OCD, or at least very organized. Like an accountant type I know. Can you just tell him that you can't keep up on all of that stuff? You just recharge differently. Make sure to stress what you are doing and that you do care. And some things that you do not care about. Don't get passive here and mysterious, just communicate with him what's realistic for you.

Op again. DH is a genius. He skipped 2 grades, and speaks 5 languages with fluency. I'm not kidding. Almost anything he tries, he becomes good at within a short amount of time. he manages (well) to work a research job, work a clinic job, and also volunteer his hours weekly with a free clinic with homeless people. Yes, most people think he is the nicest guy in the world.

He does not buy that anyone is 'natural' at anything - he thinks its all about training, effort, support, encouragement. So yes, if we support our son well enough he could play at Julliard one day. or our daughter could be a professional soccer player if we support her enough.

I've told him I can't keep up, and then he wants to sit down and work through it so it gets done the way he wants it - i.e., he now spends his weekends making (home-made) pesto, hummus, tomato sauce, black beans, etc. He'll just shrug and say "yeah, I get that you are busy, so i'll just do it". which is nice, but he'll NEVER just take the easier way out of things, even every once in a while. It makes life a struggle. Especially with young kids and working full time.

OP, if he is willing to put in the effort on meals, I would just let him! Have him do all the prep work on the weekend so on weeknights you can just throw it together. That was his desire for "whole" foods can be met without you having to put in extra effort.

Oh god, OP, are you married to my DH? They sound so similar except mine is not so involved, especially in the cooking stuff. But to him I don't cook enough and I don't cook enough healthy food and I should cook two meals every night so there is food when he gets home earlier than me and he's STARVING.

He's also super authoritarian with our toddler. It's ridiculous.

He's constantly pushing me to make more money, find a new career, etc etc etc. I'm the "least contributor" of the household so I "get the least amount of say" in decisions (ie, moving). Last night he said we are not teammates, he is the leader and I'm just tagging along for the ride. I told him he deserves to die alone. Good times!

All that to say, I feel for you OP. I keep hoping a perfect opportunity will come along for me to leave him. Like he does something so egregious I couldn't possibly stay. Or it magically gets better. While I wait for that, I take a lot of Klonopin.

wow. are you sure to want to stay married? I'm sorry. I could NOT TOLERATE someone telling me how to parents, and in SUCH ridiculous exacting terms.

I was all set to say "oh! my husband had OCD issues too!" but then i read your message, and that is not OCD. that is 100% controlling and could easily turn worse. I'm sorry OP!

I'd use canned beans and lie.

That sounds like an exhausting way to live.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to go away for a week. Perhaps your mother is sick or your college best friend is getting chemo. In any case, these will be his responsibilities, and he will be keeping up with all of them, because you will be checking via phone and email and reminding him about each and every one.

I don't think this would work with a man as controlling as this. He wouldn't even let her go away, or her have his mom come in to do everything.

Op here. He actually is fine if I take off for a few hours or a few days. He doesn't give me grief about it at all, and can manage the kids on his own. His own mom was a sahm and didn't do half the things I do, so he has never asked her to help.

I think the issue is that he actually DOES do all of this stuff when he's not working. He cooks on weekends, and is the better cook. He works out everyday. He happily attends whatever kid events he can and is a super involved/encouraging dad. He never wastes food. He speaks exclusively in his language to the kids.

He just doesn't get that others can't keep it up, all the time, even if we agree in principle that it's the better way to do things (which I actually do). I used to do a lot of this stuff on my own before I had kids, before I met him even. But now I am too tired to keep it up, all the time.

Interesting. for me and most of my friends it is pulling teeth to get their husbands to do anything, go anywhere. I just came home from a 48 hour work trip and left for a 26 hour family wedding and Sunday afternoon got home. The house looked like every room puked upon itself. Kids clothes were taken off and dropped in at least 6 different rooms (none in the hamper!), dirty plates on the table and counter (none in the sink!), and the front lawn was 8 inches tall.
And my DH was "so tired" all he could do Sunday afternoon was feign office work but at 5pm when I went to the BR he was napping with earplugs in!

Maybe he did get run ragged by the kids when I was gone and then we had to do late night on Saturday.

OP's husband does sound a bit OCD, or at least very organized. Like an accountant type I know. Can you just tell him that you can't keep up on all of that stuff? You just recharge differently. Make sure to stress what you are doing and that you do care. And some things that you do not care about. Don't get passive here and mysterious, just communicate with him what's realistic for you.

Op again. DH is a genius. He skipped 2 grades, and speaks 5 languages with fluency. I'm not kidding. Almost anything he tries, he becomes good at within a short amount of time. he manages (well) to work a research job, work a clinic job, and also volunteer his hours weekly with a free clinic with homeless people. Yes, most people think he is the nicest guy in the world.

He does not buy that anyone is 'natural' at anything - he thinks its all about training, effort, support, encouragement. So yes, if we support our son well enough he could play at Julliard one day. or our daughter could be a professional soccer player if we support her enough.

I've told him I can't keep up, and then he wants to sit down and work through it so it gets done the way he wants it - i.e., he now spends his weekends making (home-made) pesto, hummus, tomato sauce, black beans, etc. He'll just shrug and say "yeah, I get that you are busy, so i'll just do it". which is nice, but he'll NEVER just take the easier way out of things, even every once in a while. It makes life a struggle. Especially with young kids and working full time.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you've described doesn't sound like OCD, it sounds more like Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder--perfectionistic, rigid, controlling:

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-symptoms/

This might just be the way he is--personality disorders are hard to treat, and people usually don't willingly seek help if they have one.

Good luck, it sounds like a tough situation to be in.

wow, okay, thanks. That describes him really well actually, down to the "Is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values " and "Is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value".

Maybe point out that his is throwing acid on your marital bonds. Doesn't get want to be The Perfect Husband? If so, then he better step up the compliments (that stop at being a compliment, not as a buffer to criticism to follow) and support and drop the nit-picking.

"I understand you'd do it that way, however I'm choosing to do it differently. I'll gladly do everything Exactly Your Way if you think you'll be happy divorced. If you'd like to stay married, some give and take and DROPPING IT is going to be necessary. Shall I sign you up for some counseling to learn how to be a better DH?".

Anonymous wrote:He is basically using you to manage his anxiety. This is totally unacceptable and besides which it doesn't work. If he refuses therapy, go on your own to work on boundaries. I'm sorry to say that if he doesn't change I don't see a great future for your relationship. I'm speaking as the anxious / perfectionist partner who's done a ton of work on owning and managing my own issues.

This. OP's DH doesn't have OCD, more likely obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which is very hard to treat. Get your own therapy, work on boundaries (his feeling about the spaghetti sauce is not your problem). Ultimately you'll have to decide whether you and the kids can stand it or not, and this is very hard on kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you've described doesn't sound like OCD, it sounds more like Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder--perfectionistic, rigid, controlling:

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-symptoms/

This might just be the way he is--personality disorders are hard to treat, and people usually don't willingly seek help if they have one.

Good luck, it sounds like a tough situation to be in.

If you want any chance of the situation getting better, do not resort to attacking PERSONALITIES. That's not fair and more of an ultimatum which gives no one room to improve.

Focus on BEHAVIORS you want from him and vice versa and what is fair. Yes, canned beans taste better but it's not realistic to be planning 50 things every day. Maybe you need a housekeeper that DH can makes lists and lists of things to do for. Seriously. Then go enjoy your life, DH and kids more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to go away for a week. Perhaps your mother is sick or your college best friend is getting chemo. In any case, these will be his responsibilities, and he will be keeping up with all of them, because you will be checking via phone and email and reminding him about each and every one.

I don't think this would work with a man as controlling as this. He wouldn't even let her go away, or her have his mom come in to do everything.

Op here. He actually is fine if I take off for a few hours or a few days. He doesn't give me grief about it at all, and can manage the kids on his own. His own mom was a sahm and didn't do half the things I do, so he has never asked her to help.

I think the issue is that he actually DOES do all of this stuff when he's not working. He cooks on weekends, and is the better cook. He works out everyday. He happily attends whatever kid events he can and is a super involved/encouraging dad. He never wastes food. He speaks exclusively in his language to the kids.

He just doesn't get that others can't keep it up, all the time, even if we agree in principle that it's the better way to do things (which I actually do). I used to do a lot of this stuff on my own before I had kids, before I met him even. But now I am too tired to keep it up, all the time.

Interesting. for me and most of my friends it is pulling teeth to get their husbands to do anything, go anywhere. I just came home from a 48 hour work trip and left for a 26 hour family wedding and Sunday afternoon got home. The house looked like every room puked upon itself. Kids clothes were taken off and dropped in at least 6 different rooms (none in the hamper!), dirty plates on the table and counter (none in the sink!), and the front lawn was 8 inches tall.
And my DH was "so tired" all he could do Sunday afternoon was feign office work but at 5pm when I went to the BR he was napping with earplugs in!

Maybe he did get run ragged by the kids when I was gone and then we had to do late night on Saturday.

OP's husband does sound a bit OCD, or at least very organized. Like an accountant type I know. Can you just tell him that you can't keep up on all of that stuff? You just recharge differently. Make sure to stress what you are doing and that you do care. And some things that you do not care about. Don't get passive here and mysterious, just communicate with him what's realistic for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh Op. He sounds like my father. And let me tell you, I was a miserable kid. I kid you not, when I came home with 95% on a math exam in high school, he asked me where the other 5 were. How is he towards the kids? They may be young now but he may end up being a controlling perfectionist ass with them too.

He pushes, though he's positive about it. He's basically a Tiger Dad. He came from nothing and he had a Tiger Mom/Dad with no education and I think that's how he thinks its done. I think he expected me to be a Tiger Mom but I'm pretty Type B.

Example: Larlo practices his new song on the piano. DH says 'Great job, I love the way that sounded, but there was a small issue with the fingering towards the end! Let's practice it 5 more times till there isn't a single mistake!!'.
You get the idea.

How he interacts with me. We're eating a quick meal veggie burrito bowls, and this is how the conversation goes:
Him - 'This tastes really good, I like how you added tofu to it. Did you use the canned beans?'
Me-"Yeah I did. How did you know?".
Him "Oh there is a slight tinny taste. Don't worry, still tastes really good! So how come you used canned? soaked and cooked beans are much better!"
Me - "I was going to make something else but I came home from work a little later and had to fix something fast"
Him 'Well, canned beans really should just be for emergencies. Why don't you just tell me the night before how work is going to go for you, and I will soak and make the beans for you so you don't have to use canned beans?'
Me - "ok"

Do you see what I mean? it's not necessarily mean...it just doesn't given anyone room to be anything other than perfect.

So yeah, the bolded, no way. Here's a better response:

Me- "How about you can complain about canned beans when you come home early enough to make dinner? I will not be talked to like I'm a child and I don't appreciate the condescension. I am grown up and am fully capable of deciding whether or not to use canned beans in our family dinner."

OP, what you've described doesn't sound like OCD, it sounds more like Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder--perfectionistic, rigid, controlling:

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-symptoms/

This might just be the way he is--personality disorders are hard to treat, and people usually don't willingly seek help if they have one.

Good luck, it sounds like a tough situation to be in.

Anonymous wrote:

He pushes, though he's positive about it. He's basically a Tiger Dad. He came from nothing and he had a Tiger Mom/Dad with no education and I think that's how he thinks its done. I think he expected me to be a Tiger Mom but I'm pretty Type B.

Example: Larlo practices his new song on the piano. DH says 'Great job, I love the way that sounded, but there was a small issue with the fingering towards the end! Let's practice it 5 more times till there isn't a single mistake!!'.
You get the idea.

How he interacts with me. We're eating a quick meal veggie burrito bowls, and this is how the conversation goes:
Him - 'This tastes really good, I like how you added tofu to it. Did you use the canned beans?'
Me-"Yeah I did. How did you know?".
Him "Oh there is a slight tinny taste. Don't worry, still tastes really good! So how come you used canned? soaked and cooked beans are much better!"
Me - "I was going to make something else but I came home from work a little later and had to fix something fast"
Him 'Well, canned beans really should just be for emergencies. Why don't you just tell me the night before how work is going to go for you, and I will soak and make the beans for you so you don't have to use canned beans?'
Me - "ok"

Do you see what I mean? it's not necessarily mean...it just doesn't given anyone room to be anything other than perfect.

If it were me, OP, I'd stop cooking/practicing/doing whatever after one or two of those comments. But I have a sharp temper and would get up and leave the house to avoid yelling at him.