Anonymous wrote:Can you ever trust her again? Can you keep your dignity? If you cannot answer to both, end the marriage.

She didn't just leave you - she left your children. That reflects a very selfish, narcissistic character and I don't know that I could ever trust her again. Any other signs that she was having a breakdown of some kind? Manic behavior, etc.?

If the AP isn't married, and she doesn't have custody of the kids, there isn't necessarily an expiration date.

OP, is he a better partnet for her than you? If he is, she is not coming back. If he is similar to you then she will be back in two years.

Anonymous wrote:Two children under ten. We are mid forties. AP not married. Age appropriate.

Sorry you're in this situation - it sucks ! I was you 2 years ago. If I could turn back time I would have gone to see a lawyer immediately and started divorce process. My opinion given what you have described is that you're marriage is over and you need to move on. Yes in all likelihood there are fundamental problems with your marriage. There could also be minor ones. Regardless, the likelihood that your marriage will recover is small. Women initiate divorce and when they leave the house they left the marriage in their head a long time before that ! It's truly bad experience but it's made infinitely worse by hanging on. Her gift to you is that she moved out - you should move on.

Anonymous wrote:I am under the impression that when women are not happy in a marriage, they don't voice it. And once they decide the relationship is done, it's done. Instead of asking for a divorce, the affair forced the issue.

Correction- this is what cowards do, male or female

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two children under ten. We are mid forties. AP not married. Age appropriate.

Wondering why you said the affair cannot "go anywhere" or has an "expiration date"? AP is single... details may be relevant to what your wife is thinking.

Maybe you're right. But they work together and the fact that he's never been married at his age and no kids makes me think it was all fun and games until shit gets real. Maybe he is a viable option. Would be a shitty life maybe I'm being self protective.

I am a dissenting voice here. I left a cheating spouse because I knew that I could never trust him again. I do think there are situations, though, where someone can have an affair or have a bit of a mid-life crisis and then come back to the marriage. That is very unusual though.

You need to ask yourself whether you truly want to take her back or whether you view it as the easiest option. Her excuses are pretty commonplace amoung cheaters. Most of them claim to have been the victim of some personal attack or slight from their spouses. No marriage is perfect; there is usually some truth to their thoughts -- but cheating is not a viable approach to resolving those issues or improving the marriage.

You don't really need to make any decisions right away. Wallow in it for a while. Until you figure out what you really want, don't make a decision. There is no deadline to file.

Anonymous wrote:Two children under ten. We are mid forties. AP not married. Age appropriate.

Wondering why you said the affair cannot "go anywhere" or has an "expiration date"? AP is single... details may be relevant to what your wife is thinking.

Been reading DCUM for years. Thanks so much for the insight. It's like an initial free therapy session. This is tough and I appreciate all insights. I am trying best to take a non aggressive/legal approach and seeing what happens. The 180 plan is useful. I read that before. Thanks.

I'm so sorry OP. I'm going through finding out my DH had multiple affairs over years. Come to find out he's a sex addict, now seeing a specialist. I'm trying to give it a try to make the marriage work, but his SA does stem from his childhood and low self-esteem. Could you be happy if DW came back? Would you worry/wonder if she found a new AP that she'd leave you again? I'd advise you to seek counseling either yourself and/or with your DW if you reconcile. I'm dealing w/ the unsure I can ever trust my DH again and the above questions myself. I'm sorry you and your kids are hurting so badly now. Best wishes to you.

I'm sorry this happened OP.

Personally, I have no respect for a woman (or man) who leaves her/his kids for a lover.

My husband and I reconciled after his affair. He did some intense therapy, figured out that he was using the affair to distract from his own insecurities and depression. Things were amazing for a while.

3 years later, we are separated and headed for divorce. He didn't cheat again, but is in a depression cycle and is convinced that the marriage is a problem and wants the opportunity to "look for more." I don't regret the time we spent together after reconciliation, but sometimes the insanity never really goes away.

Anonymous wrote:I am under the impression that when women are not happy in a marriage, they don't voice it. And once they decide the relationship is done, it's done. Instead of asking for a divorce, the affair forced the issue.

This plus 1

Men cheat primarily because they are thinking with their penises. Women do it when they are unhappy with the marriage. She was checked out, she was going to leave you for someone, eventually.

I am of the belief that cheating, in an otherwise long-term successful relationship should be forgiven if spouse is otherwise a good person and partner and is remorseful. We are all human.

But I would not take back in this circumstance. Not because of the affair, but because the abandonment of the children.

Anonymous wrote:OP, did she tell you why she was unhappy?

She came up with a list of perceived grievances. She went to the grab bag of fights we had even before getting married. I've stuck this out with her for months and as time passes each of her perceived flaws of me seem minimized. She basically now admits it's her not me. But generally she said I put her down. Didn't support her emotionally. Which is not true because she went through an unrelated trauma mid way in our marriage that I totally was there for. I think she has really low self esteem. Upon reflection I guess I could have seen this coming. Part of me thinks if I stick it out she will come to her senses. I know. Keep telling me I'm a fool. I need to hear it.

shes not right, what kind of mother abandons her children.

Sorry to hear of your loss. Every relationship requires hard work to keep communication honest and flowing. I know because I am not the best at it and were it not for my DH we would be much worse off. I think everyone should read the book, Vagina. Every man and woman. It is a gold mine of information about how a woman's vagina is directly linked to her brain. It is very interesting. It may not help with your current situation, but if both of you are really willing to try to reconcile, I would strongly encourage you both to read the book. Then there's Mating in Captivity, which is also highly regarded, but I have not yet read.