Do not have kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is in this exact situation. His mom never worked and was supported entirely by her upper middle class parents. DH's dad is a deadbeat, out of the picture. They lived a long time and ended up leaving her about $700,000 that she has used to pay off debts, dabble in real estate flipping, and generally spend on things she couldn't otherwise afford. Other than that she's done no retirement planning.

DH also inherited some money from his grandparents - about $500,000. It is now in an account that we will use to support her as she ages. I could be upset that this is money we could use to send our kids to college, or take an amazing vacation, but I'm fine letting DH use it for his mom.

you are a better woman than i.

That is no joke...spending 500K on a woman who won't support herself instead of putting away for kids college? Incredibly selfish...

Uh.....it's money inherited from the woman's parents. It's entirely possible the grandparents gave this to dh and told him to out it aside for their daughter because they thought he might be more repsonsible with it.

OP,

I agree with the others to try marriage counseling and financial planning.

I would also urge your husband to seek individual therapy for the abuse he endured as a child.

Related with that please do not hold it against him for not telling you of these episodes prior to marriage. Abuse is a very difficult and painful thing to discuss, and victims often wrongly feel ashamed. There is probably more he has not shared and may not ever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is in this exact situation. His mom never worked and was supported entirely by her upper middle class parents. DH's dad is a deadbeat, out of the picture. They lived a long time and ended up leaving her about $700,000 that she has used to pay off debts, dabble in real estate flipping, and generally spend on things she couldn't otherwise afford. Other than that she's done no retirement planning.

DH also inherited some money from his grandparents - about $500,000. It is now in an account that we will use to support her as she ages. I could be upset that this is money we could use to send our kids to college, or take an amazing vacation, but I'm fine letting DH use it for his mom.

you are a better woman than i.

That is no joke...spending 500K on a woman who won't support herself instead of putting away for kids college? Incredibly selfish...

If it was inherited from his side of the family, the expectation may be that the son would need it to take care of his mother. Putting it in an account and using it and only it to help,the mother is incredibly responsible, it allows this family to know that they can use the money they earn to save for college.

My husband recently inherited 2 homes, some land, insurance money. Except for the money he signed the rest over to his siblings. They operate their lives like OP's in laws. What I call living in the moment. No savings, no retirements. Plenty of vacations and gambling weekends.

I'm not the least bit upset with what my husband did. They are now on their own and he no longer feels obligated to them. DONE and DONE.

How long were you dating beforehand that you didn't realize this? My premarital counseling brought this up even. I just couldn't support mooching ILs. It's a non starter here. If my parents fell on hard times, I would help them because I realize they've done everything possible not to (I've watched them save, plan for retirement, etc).