Anonymous
Post 04/13/2016 20:53     Subject: Why do you care what your ILs think?
I don't need them to like me. It would certainly be nice if they didn't cut me down all the time. I find their visits incredibly stressful because they are extremely difficult houseguests. Now, none of that truly mattered to me because I usually just drank and nodded my head and went to bed early.

However, it has become unacceptable to me since we had children that they allow their cutting comments to extend to the children. So now I care, but only to the extent that they need to back the eff off about our children and I call them out on every.single.comment they make either about me or the children because I do not think my children should see anyone treating me that way nor do I want to show my children that it's ok to allow others to treat them that way.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2016 17:50     Subject: Why do you care what your ILs think?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have a generally cordial relationship with ILs, but there is one area that I do care about now that I had kids. My parents are immigrants and from a different culture/ethnicity than DH (differences include language, food, and religion not to mention skintone etc). ILs are certainly not completely sheltered, but they do now live in a much more homogenous area and don't seem to have a very diverse set of friends. They have always treated aspects of me and my culture as a sort of curiosity, without realizing that what they deem "unusual" and "exotic" is just how I grew up and after 10 years it's a little weird to consistently view me as an outsider. It's particularly bothersome since they make a big deal out of maintaining aspects of their Irish heritage (even though it's actually a much smaller fraction of their blood line).

I've been willing to let this go, but it's different now that I have kids who obviously share 50% of my heritage. Before DD was born, MIL made jokes that she didn't even realize were tasteless about how no one would think DD looked Irish despite her last name (ironically, her baby pictures are indistinguishable from DH's). And she also refuses to correctly pronounce DD's name, saying it's too hard when pretty much every other white person has figured out to say it, and now even DD's cousins from DH's side are telling me that DD's name is "weird". These things bother me, since I feel like she's sending a message that DD is weird and other as well, when DD is her own blood. Obviously as DD gets older I will explain things to her, but I hate that I will have to intervene in that relationship.


Why not explain them to her now?


She is 2 y.o., and I'm about to have an infant. She's smart, but I don't think she's quite able to understand yet...nor will DS for a few more years.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2016 16:45     Subject: Why do you care what your ILs think?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP do you want your future DIL to not care what you think?


We don't have to be best friends. We can get along and be polite. That's fine! There is nothing wrong with not being super close.


+1

I was super close to my BF's family before DH - they were fun, warm, welcoming, accomplished - good people. I know, after all these years, that I can't wait for my ILs to be good people. It just is not going to happen. We are courteous, but no way would I go as far as to say considerate, on their behalf.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2016 16:43     Subject: Why do you care what your ILs think?
Anonymous wrote:I have a generally cordial relationship with ILs, but there is one area that I do care about now that I had kids. My parents are immigrants and from a different culture/ethnicity than DH (differences include language, food, and religion not to mention skintone etc). ILs are certainly not completely sheltered, but they do now live in a much more homogenous area and don't seem to have a very diverse set of friends. They have always treated aspects of me and my culture as a sort of curiosity, without realizing that what they deem "unusual" and "exotic" is just how I grew up and after 10 years it's a little weird to consistently view me as an outsider. It's particularly bothersome since they make a big deal out of maintaining aspects of their Irish heritage (even though it's actually a much smaller fraction of their blood line).

I've been willing to let this go, but it's different now that I have kids who obviously share 50% of my heritage. Before DD was born, MIL made jokes that she didn't even realize were tasteless about how no one would think DD looked Irish despite her last name (ironically, her baby pictures are indistinguishable from DH's). And she also refuses to correctly pronounce DD's name, saying it's too hard when pretty much every other white person has figured out to say it, and now even DD's cousins from DH's side are telling me that DD's name is "weird". These things bother me, since I feel like she's sending a message that DD is weird and other as well, when DD is her own blood. Obviously as DD gets older I will explain things to her, but I hate that I will have to intervene in that relationship.


PP, this is something my MIL would try to pull. You are not alone. Just ignore them, and celebrate your heritage whenever you are not seeing them (which I assume is most of the time - so MIL should not be an issue). They sound quite ignorant, and happily so. It's not on you, it's on them.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2016 16:40     Subject: Re:Why do you care what your ILs think?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My MIL told people that DH married the wrong girl. I no longer care what any of the IL's think.


Yikes! Good for you for not letting her get to you.


+1

Different poster here. ITA. Once MIL showed me her true colors, I stopped giving a care. I used to try, but it is just not worth it to me. DH can see them whenever he wants. As for me, I have other things to do - like be around people who are not so self centered and bitter.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2016 16:23     Subject: Why do you care what your ILs think?
Anonymous wrote:Because my IL's are hell bent on making my faith an issue every time I see them, and it makes me cry. I don't have any friends, any support, and the constant attcks on the one thing I have left are just more than I can take.

So yes, I care what they think, because they can't keep it to themselves.


Don't let them gang up on you anymore. Come here to DCUM and we will help you. And don't you dare let them make you cry!
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2016 16:10     Subject: Why do you care what your ILs think?
Anonymous wrote:I have a generally cordial relationship with ILs, but there is one area that I do care about now that I had kids. My parents are immigrants and from a different culture/ethnicity than DH (differences include language, food, and religion not to mention skintone etc). ILs are certainly not completely sheltered, but they do now live in a much more homogenous area and don't seem to have a very diverse set of friends. They have always treated aspects of me and my culture as a sort of curiosity, without realizing that what they deem "unusual" and "exotic" is just how I grew up and after 10 years it's a little weird to consistently view me as an outsider. It's particularly bothersome since they make a big deal out of maintaining aspects of their Irish heritage (even though it's actually a much smaller fraction of their blood line).

I've been willing to let this go, but it's different now that I have kids who obviously share 50% of my heritage. Before DD was born, MIL made jokes that she didn't even realize were tasteless about how no one would think DD looked Irish despite her last name (ironically, her baby pictures are indistinguishable from DH's). And she also refuses to correctly pronounce DD's name, saying it's too hard when pretty much every other white person has figured out to say it, and now even DD's cousins from DH's side are telling me that DD's name is "weird". These things bother me, since I feel like she's sending a message that DD is weird and other as well, when DD is her own blood. Obviously as DD gets older I will explain things to her, but I hate that I will have to intervene in that relationship.


Why not explain them to her now?
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2016 15:50     Subject: Why do you care what your ILs think?
I have a generally cordial relationship with ILs, but there is one area that I do care about now that I had kids. My parents are immigrants and from a different culture/ethnicity than DH (differences include language, food, and religion not to mention skintone etc). ILs are certainly not completely sheltered, but they do now live in a much more homogenous area and don't seem to have a very diverse set of friends. They have always treated aspects of me and my culture as a sort of curiosity, without realizing that what they deem "unusual" and "exotic" is just how I grew up and after 10 years it's a little weird to consistently view me as an outsider. It's particularly bothersome since they make a big deal out of maintaining aspects of their Irish heritage (even though it's actually a much smaller fraction of their blood line).

I've been willing to let this go, but it's different now that I have kids who obviously share 50% of my heritage. Before DD was born, MIL made jokes that she didn't even realize were tasteless about how no one would think DD looked Irish despite her last name (ironically, her baby pictures are indistinguishable from DH's). And she also refuses to correctly pronounce DD's name, saying it's too hard when pretty much every other white person has figured out to say it, and now even DD's cousins from DH's side are telling me that DD's name is "weird". These things bother me, since I feel like she's sending a message that DD is weird and other as well, when DD is her own blood. Obviously as DD gets older I will explain things to her, but I hate that I will have to intervene in that relationship.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2016 15:23     Subject: Why do you care what your ILs think?
I don't care in the slightest. I know MIL doesn't like me, but as DH pointed out, she doesn't really like anyone.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2016 15:17     Subject: Why do you care what your ILs think?
Anonymous wrote:OP do you want your future DIL to not care what you think?


We don't have to be best friends. We can get along and be polite. That's fine! There is nothing wrong with not being super close.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2016 15:08     Subject: Why do you care what your ILs think?
OP do you want your future DIL to not care what you think?
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2016 15:05     Subject: Why do you care what your ILs think?
Because my IL's are hell bent on making my faith an issue every time I see them, and it makes me cry. I don't have any friends, any support, and the constant attcks on the one thing I have left are just more than I can take.

So yes, I care what they think, because they can't keep it to themselves.