Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish to be sad about not seeing your family for the holidays! OP and husband have only been married for a year. There's still a chance that the relationship with his family could improve but only if she see's them and tries to accept them.

Also this. Maybe host a summer thing OP something casual like a BBQ and try to help things with the in-laws. A more relaxed setting might improve relations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go. Don't go yearly, but it obviously means something to your DH. Your SIL has extended an olive branch and it might hurt relations more if you don't go. Bring lots of dishes you like to eat, lots of wine and enjoy.

Oh and DH needs to tell SIL that it's inappropriate to have pics of his ex wife anywhere in the house. He needs to tell his parents too.

That is way over the line and would be an inappropriate and also immature request.

Anonymous wrote:Planning Thanksgiving in April is INTENSE. No real advice other than you have like 6mos to mull it over and make decisions. Let's all get through summer camp options and beach house vacations with IL first.

+ 1

Way to early for this. Figure it out in October like everyone else.

It's not selfish to be sad about not seeing your family for the holidays! OP and husband have only been married for a year. There's still a chance that the relationship with his family could improve but only if she see's them and tries to accept them.

There is no way in hell I would spend the limited time I have with my college aged kid with miserable relatives. Don't go.

Planning Thanksgiving in April is INTENSE. No real advice other than you have like 6mos to mull it over and make decisions. Let's all get through summer camp options and beach house vacations with IL first.

Do his kids like going to visit thei relatives? It's not a good idea to make them sad about not seeing their family. That could create resentment.

But you could stay home with your kids and let him go with his kids, if they love to see their relatives.

I wouldn't make my kids go to Thanksgiving dinner somewhere where they (and their mother) aren't wanted. I just wouldn't. Let your husband go with his kids or by himself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Manage your expectations. Yes, they should be polite and welcoming. (Isn't SIL inviting you being polite and welcoming, though?) They don't need to not have pictures of a family member up--yes, DH's ex-wife is and will always be family, she's the mother of their grandchildren/nieces/nephews! And of course they're going to treat your adult or nearly-grown children differently--it's a different relationship than blood grandchildren/nieces/nephews!

An invite isn't necessarily meant as a polite and welcoming gesture.

Op here I am pretty sure I am only invited out of feelings of obligation. We had a small immediate family only wedding, she came and refused to talk to me and the card was addressed only to my husband. I saw them at my MIL at Easter and she did not talk to me and rolled her eyes when my MIL asked if something was safe for my son to eat.
My DH knows how I feel. My children do not have any contact with their biological father. So they have to go where I go (except my oldest who said she doesn't want to go but will come along for moral support)

I'm nearly 60 and when I look back on my life, I have no regrets for the time I declined events where I would be subjected to unwelcoming people. I stopped spending Thanksgiving with my DH's family when I was about 50. The first year, everyone was shocked. We were going through a rough patch and they assumed I didn't come because I was prepping for a separation - and I was. We worked things out but it was SO very nice not to have to be with those people that I started my own tradition of not going. I don't go for Christmas either. The first couple years, the kids still went. Then, they started advocating to stay home with me. I preferred them to go because I loved having the house to myself but, eventually, I relented. At around age 11, the kids also stopped going for Christmas. Not even presents could entice them. My DH still goes and I'm fine with that. His family, his choice.

I wouldn't go - he's being selfish by giving you the sad face. Holidays should be with your immediate family. That said, I'd say he could go without you if he wanted as a sort of peace offering.

I just love that the holiday threads are already starting!

OP, I'd go once. If it's awful, then maybe not again. I can see how making your home-from-college kid spend all that time in the car for people who aren't nice would suck though. Would you consider splitting up? You stay home with your kids and DH takes his to see his family? That might be a good compromise while everyone gets used to being blended...

Anonymous wrote:Manage your expectations. Yes, they should be polite and welcoming. (Isn't SIL inviting you being polite and welcoming, though?) They don't need to not have pictures of a family member up--yes, DH's ex-wife is and will always be family, she's the mother of their grandchildren/nieces/nephews! And of course they're going to treat your adult or nearly-grown children differently--it's a different relationship than blood grandchildren/nieces/nephews!

An invite isn't necessarily meant as a polite and welcoming gesture.

I wouldn't go. Yes, it may be reasonable that they treat your DH's kids differently (after all, they've known yours for a very short time). So I wouldn't be pissed at SIL or anything but I would not go because it would be too much out of my comfort zone.

OP, don't put yourself through that. Life is too short. Have a special dinner or celebration for your husband and kids the weekend before Thanksgving, then you can give thanks that you don't have to drive 6 hours for that craziness.