Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My local ILs took every other grandchild on a trip for their 13th birthday and regularly took each out for lunch to "catch up" with their lives. Never once did they take out my DD with autism alone, even when she was an infant. For her 13th, they asked what they could buy her for a gift. They sent us articles on the latest therapies and cures. This in contrast to my family, who would take her out to the beach and mall while we were visiting them to give us a break. My mother stayed in her room all night for a week so we could catch up on our sleep. It hurt then and right now I'm not feeling like I should bend over backward to do things for them in their eighties.

This is so shitty. I honestly don't understand what these people are thinking. ???

They don't want to seen with her alone in public. She has a very sweet personality--always has.

Anonymous wrote:Also, my parents always ask about what DD wants for a gift. I get where you are coming from that it seems like they should "know" their grandchild, but try to reframe this that they are making an extra effort to please this child. They are on a different journey with this grandchild. For your own sake, try to let go of the anger. My heart reaches out to you.

You missed the point of the grandparents asking pp what their DD wanted for a gift that year.

Anonymous wrote:My local ILs took every other grandchild on a trip for their 13th birthday and regularly took each out for lunch to "catch up" with their lives. Never once did they take out my DD with autism alone, even when she was an infant. For her 13th, they asked what they could buy her for a gift. They sent us articles on the latest therapies and cures. This in contrast to my family, who would take her out to the beach and mall while we were visiting them to give us a break. My mother stayed in her room all night for a week so we could catch up on our sleep. It hurt then and right now I'm not feeling like I should bend over backward to do things for them in their eighties.

This is so shitty. I honestly don't understand what these people are thinking. ???

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not so an SN issue. There are grandparents who really want to be involved and those who don't. Reading about all the other unhelpful ones online makes me feel better about my own situation.

It is an SN issue when the grandparents treat every other grandchild completely differently.

My parents has trouble learning how to relate to my ASD child. Her older NT sibling would bring her grandparents books to read and ask to play tea party, etc. Frankly, looking back at the two as infants, the NT child would let anyone hold her (and the grandparents did lots), but my ASD child would scream if it wasn't mommy. Over time the default was to be a grandparent to one sibling over the other. No ill will was meant.

Over time we've gotten past this, for the most part. My parent (other has since deceased) has come to relate to them both. But it took some frank (yet understanding) conversations, and some tips. Plus some alone time without the NT child dominating all the conversation.

Similar dynamic plays out with uncles/aunts, etc. nobody is trying to exclude my ASD child. Luckily it happens a lot less than it used to.

I want my SN child to have special meaningful relationships with her extended family. They don't have to look the same as her NT sibling, just be authentic and meaningful.

But I don't ask for "help" from my family.

Also, my parents always ask about what DD wants for a gift. I get where you are coming from that it seems like they should "know" their grandchild, but try to reframe this that they are making an extra effort to please this child. They are on a different journey with this grandchild. For your own sake, try to let go of the anger. My heart reaches out to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not so an SN issue. There are grandparents who really want to be involved and those who don't. Reading about all the other unhelpful ones online makes me feel better about my own situation.

It is an SN issue when the grandparents treat every other grandchild completely differently.

My SN child is the last grandchild. Yes, she does get grandparented differently. I think my parents are out of steam. If I feel they are acting out of favoritism and stereotyping on special needs, I call them on it. But if it's just their age and energy, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. You talked about making a special day for each grandchild on their birthday and taking them out to eat (or something like that). OP, that's very hard for elderly people when a child has special needs. Give them a break. My parents have never been alone with my SN child, never and I wouldn't expect them to. And they've had many overnights with their other grandchildren. It's so much more than a question of favoritism. I have to say I think you are fighting a battle that comes from your projected feelings here. I understand you want your child to be treated fairly and loved as much as other grandchildren but you've got to let them show that in their own way. Having each grandchild treated identically may not be in your SN child's best interests. Is this day out at a restaurant really so important to the SN child?

Anonymous wrote:Pp: that is so sad! I'm sorry.

Thank you. Just when you think your heart can't break any more for your child, someone hurts them again.

Anonymous wrote:This is not so an SN issue. There are grandparents who really want to be involved and those who don't. Reading about all the other unhelpful ones online makes me feel better about my own situation.

It is an SN issue when the grandparents treat every other grandchild completely differently.

This is not so an SN issue. There are grandparents who really want to be involved and those who don't. Reading about all the other unhelpful ones online makes me feel better about my own situation.

Pp: that is so sad! I'm sorry.

My local ILs took every other grandchild on a trip for their 13th birthday and regularly took each out for lunch to "catch up" with their lives. Never once did they take out my DD with autism alone, even when she was an infant. For her 13th, they asked what they could buy her for a gift. They sent us articles on the latest therapies and cures. This in contrast to my family, who would take her out to the beach and mall while we were visiting them to give us a break. My mother stayed in her room all night for a week so we could catch up on our sleep. It hurt then and right now I'm not feeling like I should bend over backward to do things for them in their eighties.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op: How to avoid thoughts of "you'll regret this when you're old and you need my help"?

I don't think this a quid pro quo type of thing. If you are going to start bean counting, you need to give them credit for taking care of you for the better part of two decades.

You need to build your support network with the willing, able and ready (and may have to pay for it). Some grandparents are up to the task and some are not. Mine did a bait and switch kinds of thing and ended up being vacation ad holiday grandparents (with us doing more of the driving) and did not want a real relationship with thei grandchildren. Having SN grandchildren did little to change that. it is what it is. Concentrate on what you can do and what you can control.

It does hurt and it sucks but it could be worse. Consentrate on your blessings.

It's not quid pro quo, but it is a fact that most families have limited resources. The more resources I have spend on my kid with SN because no one will pitch in and help me, the fewer resources I have to help other family members. If I spend money on a special needs nanny, that is money that I don't have to spend on in home health. Just a fact.

That is true, but the PP stated it like a quid pro quo and not like you just did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op: How to avoid thoughts of "you'll regret this when you're old and you need my help"?

I don't think this a quid pro quo type of thing. If you are going to start bean counting, you need to give them credit for taking care of you for the better part of two decades.

You need to build your support network with the willing, able and ready (and may have to pay for it). Some grandparents are up to the task and some are not. Mine did a bait and switch kinds of thing and ended up being vacation ad holiday grandparents (with us doing more of the driving) and did not want a real relationship with thei grandchildren. Having SN grandchildren did little to change that. it is what it is. Concentrate on what you can do and what you can control.

It does hurt and it sucks but it could be worse. Consentrate on your blessings.

It's not quid pro quo, but it is a fact that most families have limited resources. The more resources I have spend on my kid with SN because no one will pitch in and help me, the fewer resources I have to help other family members. If I spend money on a special needs nanny, that is money that I don't have to spend on in home health. Just a fact.

I don't expect any help. My mother probably had Asperger's as did DH's father. I only have to look at them to know where DS gets it from. They are both deceased but FIL set up a 504 for DS so we don't have to save for college so we are very very grateful.