Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 13:38     Subject: Do you have a sibling code?
Anonymous wrote:Ok, just read your more recent posts.

If your parents are financially supporting your sister, then yes, I think it's ok you spilled all the beans. Your sister ignored your moms calls. If they are not financially supporting her then simply saying, 'I don't know where she is' would've been better.


Non-snarky question here. Why does it make a difference if the parents are financially supporting the sister or not? Why does that change OP's responsibility to report? Isn't it the responsibility of the sister to respond to those who are financially supporting her?
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 10:37     Subject: Re:Do you have a sibling code?
Are you 11? Unless your sibling murdered someone, abused someone, or did something grossly illegal, why is it your mom's business?


Yup, this is how I see it... My brother and I are not even that close - friendly and we see each other regularly, but it's not like we do heart-to-hearts. But those secrets that I do know I would never tell, and yes, I would cover for him at least in the sense that I would claim ignorance or direct parents to asking him, etc. - as one of the PPs advised. I think that was probably the way you should have gone and you were in the wrong.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 09:56     Subject: Do you have a sibling code?
Yes. The code is you never tell the parents anything. If your sibling want to tell the parents he or she would. Sometime you just have to help your siblings out and not be the suck up to your parents all the time. Be an adult.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 09:46     Subject: Do you have a sibling code?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Most people don't need to be defended and protected from their parents. Why do you ask this question, op?

One of my siblings did something bad. I told my mom and my mom called and yelled at her and now that sibling isn't speaking to me because I didn't "cover for her."


How old are you guys? Why did you tell your mom? Did you think your mom should do something about the situation?

I'm 27 and she is 24.

We are foreign and on F-1 visa. I am in graduate school and she is finishing up her college studies Our parents kept us here together so we can keep an eye on each other. This past year she has changed a lot and started partying, drinking, throwing up in her friends cars and lying to me about it. Her friends and her keep everything from me and she gets mad when I send her a text asking her where she is at 1 am. It all got worse when she got herself a boyfriend and now she is always at his apartment and is now becoming friendly with his family and sister. All the while, my parents have NO IDEA that she is seriously dating someone. She hasn't even told me and I have discovered it only because her friend accidentally babbled.

Now my sister has blocked me from on all social media and she ignores my calls and she even ignores my parents international calls when she is out with this boy. My mom called me worried this weekend after my sister did not take her calls for 2 days. I then told her I suspect it is because she is with a boy and my mom flipped out and apparently yelled at her over the phone.

Now my sister is mad at me and hates me and says I'm a bad sister.

My parents are from Kuwait and are Muslim and this would break their heart. I never told them about her partying and drinking but her starting to make a new family without their knowledge is too much to me.


To be honest it's hard to say anything in this situation. I have friends who are Emiratis, and the amount of sneaking and lying to the parents and elders is frankly astounding because pretty much anything that's normal here (boyfriend, partying, cocktails, trip with friends, getting a dog (!!!)) is forbidden and the parents are bankrolling 100% of expenses for these nearly 30 year old. The dynamics are just f-ed up. There is no winning in your situation. I can tell you that my friends cover for their siblings and it goes both ways - all are doing something that's not ok. So it's just up to you how much you tell your parents voluntarily about your sister, as opposed to answering parents' direct questions. At some point you might need her to cover for you.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 09:39     Subject: Do you have a sibling code?
Ok, just read your more recent posts.

If your parents are financially supporting your sister, then yes, I think it's ok you spilled all the beans. Your sister ignored your moms calls. If they are not financially supporting her then simply saying, 'I don't know where she is' would've been better.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 09:35     Subject: Do you have a sibling code?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Most people don't need to be defended and protected from their parents. Why do you ask this question, op?

One of my siblings did something bad. I told my mom and my mom called and yelled at her and now that sibling isn't speaking to me because I didn't "cover for her."

l
Are you 11? Unless your sibling murdered someone, abused someone, or did something grossly illegal, why is it your mom's business?



X1000 seriously, op. What good could come of that?
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 09:33     Subject: Do you have a sibling code?
Its an unspoken code, but its there. My parents have their issues and we need to present a united front with them.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 09:26     Subject: Re:Do you have a sibling code?
My brother and I still compete for my mom's visits. My brother and I have young kids around the same ages. My dad also competes with us for my mom's attention, and he ignores our kids, so we're not competing for him. My mom doesn't really babysit, but we like when she pays attention to our kids, so we compete for that. I once told my brother "we're like two hungry dogs fighting over a very small scrap".
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2016 22:28     Subject: Do you have a sibling code?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Most people don't need to be defended and protected from their parents. Why do you ask this question, op?

One of my siblings did something bad. I told my mom and my mom called and yelled at her and now that sibling isn't speaking to me because I didn't "cover for her."


How old are you guys? Why did you tell your mom? Did you think your mom should do something about the situation?

I'm 27 and she is 24.

We are foreign and on F-1 visa. I am in graduate school and she is finishing up her college studies Our parents kept us here together so we can keep an eye on each other. This past year she has changed a lot and started partying, drinking, throwing up in her friends cars and lying to me about it. Her friends and her keep everything from me and she gets mad when I send her a text asking her where she is at 1 am. It all got worse when she got herself a boyfriend and now she is always at his apartment and is now becoming friendly with his family and sister. All the while, my parents have NO IDEA that she is seriously dating someone. She hasn't even told me and I have discovered it only because her friend accidentally babbled.

Now my sister has blocked me from on all social media and she ignores my calls and she even ignores my parents international calls when she is out with this boy. My mom called me worried this weekend after my sister did not take her calls for 2 days. I then told her I suspect it is because she is with a boy and my mom flipped out and apparently yelled at her over the phone.

Now my sister is mad at me and hates me and says I'm a bad sister.

My parents are from Kuwait and are Muslim and this would break their heart. I never told them about her partying and drinking but her starting to make a new family without their knowledge is too much to me.


OP, I get it. I'm married to an Arab Muslim and I know how the culture is really different. I think your sister put you in a bad position, almost as if she expected you to "lie" on her behalf. She's acting immaturely in many ways right now, and that's not abnormal for someone coming from a very socially restrictive culture to a very free culture. She's mad at you because she's mad at herself. She "should" be able to tell her parents candidly that she is seeing someone. She "should" be responsible for her own behavior, not you. But she's not brave enough to do it (yet?).

Can you talk to her at all? Do you think she will calm down at any point? I'd just tell her that you love her, you are looking out for her according to your culture, and she "knows" she's not abiding by that. However, that is "her" choice to make (because it is), and you realize that. But you do not want to be part of lying to your parents, and that's really unfair of her to ask or assume of you. And that is "your" choice to make.

Anonymous
Post 03/28/2016 21:21     Subject: Do you have a sibling code?
Yes, I guess we have a sibling code, especially now that we're adults. I suppose if there was something my parents really needed to know, I might tell, but it's hard to imagine what such a situation would be.

For example, when I was in college and my sister in high school, one of her friends told me she thought my sister was anorexic. I told my parents so they could get her help. She was mad, but too bad. She was a minor and her actions were hurting her.

Now, we're adults. A couple years ago, sister told me she had run up a few thousand dollars in credit card debt. I gave her some grief and helped her figure out a payment plan, but did not tell my parents. She was an adult with a house and job and there was no reason my parents needed to know. All that would accomplish would be them being disappointed and yelling at her.

So, OP, I guess I think you were wrong. Unless you have some reason to believe your sister is being abused, it's not really your place to tell your parents she has a boyfriend. Also, I don't see how she did "something bad" as you say. You may not like some of her choices, but they're not "bad." They're just different from what you would prefer.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2016 15:53     Subject: Do you have a sibling code?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My brother and I used say "The eagle has landed" when we were kids, warning the other her car had pulled up in the driveway. Then we knew to put away the ice cream and turn off the cartoons.

Then we became adults.


My brother and I live on opposite sides of the country and are in our 40s. However, we still text "The eagle has landed" when our parents are annoying either one of us.

I guess...some of us never grow up.


That doesn't really make sense in your case. You need a new code.


We use it just to let each other know our parents are bugging the shit out of us. And - thanks for your opinion on a 35 year code between two people. We will take it into consideration.


Please do. The board appreciates its advice being taken under advisement. Due to your willingness to consider change, we will waive the customary Code Change Fee when you submit your new Code Change Application as long as it's submitted in final before April 1st.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2016 15:51     Subject: Do you have a sibling code?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My brother and I used say "The eagle has landed" when we were kids, warning the other her car had pulled up in the driveway. Then we knew to put away the ice cream and turn off the cartoons.

Then we became adults.


My brother and I live on opposite sides of the country and are in our 40s. However, we still text "The eagle has landed" when our parents are annoying either one of us.

I guess...some of us never grow up.


That doesn't really make sense in your case. You need a new code.


We use it just to let each other know our parents are bugging the shit out of us. And - thanks for your opinion on a 35 year code between two people. We will take it into consideration.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2016 15:43     Subject: Re:Do you have a sibling code?
Oh, I remember you. You were both supposed to come here and get degrees and help the family "back home". But your sister's met a wealthy boyfriend who treats her well and now she doesn't want to follow the Family Sister Plan. So you told on her. You, a grownup, TOLD on another grownup. That is not the American way. Maybe it's the way in your culture, but in America, adults don't tell on other adults. You won't get us to agree you were right to tell your parents what your sister is doing.


I remember the OP, too. I don't think OP has a responsibility to tattle on her sister but she also shouldn't have to cover for her. OP should do the 'grown up' thing and tell her parents that any questions they have regarding her sister's whereabouts should be directed to the sister. "I don't know, you'll have to ask Larla". "I don't know. I haven't heard from Larla. You'll have to ask her." "I don't know....I don't know....I don't know". You get the idea and so will OP's parents.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2016 13:43     Subject: Do you have a sibling code?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My brother and I used say "The eagle has landed" when we were kids, warning the other her car had pulled up in the driveway. Then we knew to put away the ice cream and turn off the cartoons.

Then we became adults.


My brother and I live on opposite sides of the country and are in our 40s. However, we still text "The eagle has landed" when our parents are annoying either one of us.

I guess...some of us never grow up.


That doesn't really make sense in your case. You need a new code.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2016 13:38     Subject: Do you have a sibling code?
Anonymous wrote:My brother and I used say "The eagle has landed" when we were kids, warning the other her car had pulled up in the driveway. Then we knew to put away the ice cream and turn off the cartoons.

Then we became adults.


My brother and I live on opposite sides of the country and are in our 40s. However, we still text "The eagle has landed" when our parents are annoying either one of us.

I guess...some of us never grow up.