I completely understand this dynamic. Unfortunately I have this in my family too.

I found that when I finally started standing up for myself and stopped giving her attention that things got better.

For example, when your Mom gives you the silent treatment - you return the favor. Go off the grid. no invitations to things like kids basketball games or holidays, no response to your Dad's pleading. This is a power trip for her, she's getting you to dance. Don't dance. Disappear. No reaction to how she's treating you.

It will be interesting to see how long she will keep this up when you're no longer playing the game. It made my Mother crazy when I started mirroring some of her behavior back to her. Plus, I've literally started to act like her parent telling her that certain behaviors will not be tolerated (like hanging up on me if we're talking on the phone and she doesn't like something that's said). If she hangs up on me, she won't be able to get me back on the line. Period.

I had a therapist give me really good advice that stuck with me - don't let her bring you down in the mud with her. Just stop playing the game and back away.

If she's rude to you on the phone, tell her that you have to go now, bye...and end the call politely, but extract yourself from the situation. Same thing if in person - if she's ignoring you, you want nothing to do with her either. Go about your business enjoying yourself and don't let her suck the air out of the room (which is exactly what she want to do).

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how everyone can give advice without knowing why she is giving you the silent treatment. Why don't you ask your dad why or ask her?

Because the silent treatment is what passive aggressive
/ controlling people do to dominate others. Whatever happened between them is not the "reason." In a respectful relationship people don't do this.

The issue is that mom is a pain in the ass who doesn't accept limits.

I don't understand how everyone can give advice without knowing why she is giving you the silent treatment. Why don't you ask your dad why or ask her?

OP, I'm sorry.

You've made the right choice; now you must deal with the possibility that your parents are too entrenched in their unhealthy patterns to change.

My mother is an abusive person- yells, belittles manipulates, emotionally blackmails, lies (hasn't hit since I was a teenager though).

My dad did exactly what yours did-- told me to do whatever it takes to smooth it over. That's abysive too.

I told them in no uncertain terms I wouldn't tolerate it and he didn't budge.

Yours might not budge. And as much as it might hurt to process that you weren't worth the effort to change, try to consider that you are better off without them. Your kids don't need this. Your husband doesn't need this. You don't need this -- or them.

Everyone's advice above, yes.
Ignore your mom back. You can't give the "silent treatment" to someone who doesn't even notice. Sounds like she needs the drama since she is actually coming to events where you are there. Which I would not do if I really didn't want to interact with someone... she's acting like a child.

I don't know the rest of your circumstances, but your family sounds a lot like mine, even down to the father that just says "please just make peace"

My mom is an unmedicated manic depressive that my dad has tiptoed around for years. The sad thing was that things frequently went like this "Dad, she's crazy! I have no idea why she's mad!" "Yes, dear, I know she's crazy - just go apologize, please" "OK, dad"

Luckily, living several hours from her is the best thing for us so she doesn't frequently play the silent treatment game. But, I've definitely dealt with the silent treatment in the past.

Good luck to you - and yes, stay strong. You don't have to take that shit.

I think you handled the conversation with your dad perfectly, OP. Your parents are used to overlooking your needs in favor of their own. It's time for them to respect you and acknowledge your needs. I know you miss them, especially on the holidays, but you must stand firm on not allowing your mother to emotionally abuse you.

Op, my heart goes out to you. I have a mother who uses the silent treatment and does not have the tools to communicate feelings. This was what was modeled to her growing up and she never felt the need to change it. My dad is an enabler too. It made me sad that it cost me a quality relationship with my dad. I have been to counseling and she has been to counseling over the years. I have had to accept that she is the mother I have, not the one I needed. It is what it is. Hang in there. There is no easy fix. It will get better again then you will hit bumps in the road. Keep looking forward and soldier on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this and you still don't know what is going on? How can you "acquiesce" if you don't know?

OP here-the reason I don't know what's going on is that crazy people who use the silent treatment often do it with no real provocation or obvious reason. When my mother does this, I have to try to guess about what's going on and then kiss her ass until it's all smoothed over. If any of this was rational, then I could address it and move on.

Here's the explanation - your mother seeks dominance to feel validated and important. So she may love you, in her own twisted way, but it's not a love that's ever going to make you happy, since she will always use emotional torture and blackmail to seek expressions of love and abject compliance from you.

YOU have to break the cycle. Nobody else can do it.

OP here-yes, I'm aware.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this and you still don't know what is going on? How can you "acquiesce" if you don't know?

OP here-the reason I don't know what's going on is that crazy people who use the silent treatment often do it with no real provocation or obvious reason. When my mother does this, I have to try to guess about what's going on and then kiss her ass until it's all smoothed over. If any of this was rational, then I could address it and move on.

Here's the explanation - your mother seeks dominance to feel validated and important. So she may love you, in her own twisted way, but it's not a love that's ever going to make you happy, since she will always use emotional torture and blackmail to seek expressions of love and abject compliance from you.

YOU have to break the cycle. Nobody else can do it.

Anonymous wrote:You are doing the right thing. Why be walked all over? If you don't stand up for yourself in front of your kids, don't expect them to ever stand up for you.

When you make change in interpersonal dynamics like this, people initially get tougher and react badly. They may come around or they may not, but there is always blowback at the beginning. Hang in there.

OP here-thank you! The thing that's interesting in this situation is that now that my kids are older, they're really incensed that my mother acts this way to me. They don't relate to any of it because I haven't passed the crazy down to them. I know I've made and will make my fair share of parenting mistakes, but cutting off my kids isn't one of them.

Anonymous wrote:All of this and you still don't know what is going on? How can you "acquiesce" if you don't know?

OP here-the reason I don't know what's going on is that crazy people who use the silent treatment often do it with no real provocation or obvious reason. When my mother does this, I have to try to guess about what's going on and then kiss her ass until it's all smoothed over. If any of this was rational, then I could address it and move on.