Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman with two sons whose husband is close to his mom (and I'm close to her also - my own parents are deceased). My kids are little still, but I know that what makes his mom great, to him and to me, is her total confidence in us as parents and as a couple. She doesn't give her opinion unless asked. She is thoughtful, responsive, and never pushy.

To be fair, we are great to her as well. It goes both ways.

This made me smile -- thanks for posting, PP. I'm close to my two grown sons (as well as my teen DD); the oldest, who's in med school, just got engaged to his GF of several years -- she's lovely and fun and smart. DH and I have a good relationship with her, and I hope we'll continue to enjoy her friendship, as they build a life and family together. With all our kids, as they've gotten older, we've been very conscious of respecting their independence. Like your MIL, if we're asked for advice or help, we're there for our kids, but we tread very lightly. Mostly, we listen and show interest in their lives and friends as we would with our own peers. We also learn from them and ask for their opinions and advice -- that's actually one of the really fun things about having older kids.

+1

You all remind me of my in-laws, who I love dearly.

They're wonderful people who've always done a great job staying connected with DH while also respecting his independence. They had a great relationship before I came along, and I think it's only gotten stronger since DH and I met 10+ years ago.

My in-laws are respectful, interested, interesting and happy to be helpful but not the least bit pushy. We appreciate them so much that we moved back to DH's home town, in part so they could be more a part of our kids' lives. We don't talk every day, but it's a close relationship, in part because they respect us and give us space, and in part because we genuinely have things in common and enjoy each other's personalities.

By the way, I don't think this behavior/advice about having a close relationship with an adult "child" is limited to mothers and sons. I think the same thing would apply to mothers and daughters and fathers and sons or daughters. It's about respect and giving the adult "child" latitude to define the relationship on more of a peer level. Not all adult daughters would want to talk daily, though some would. It's about letting the adult "child" figure out his or her needs and wants, and then following their lead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman with two sons whose husband is close to his mom (and I'm close to her also - my own parents are deceased). My kids are little still, but I know that what makes his mom great, to him and to me, is her total confidence in us as parents and as a couple. She doesn't give her opinion unless asked. She is thoughtful, responsive, and never pushy.

To be fair, we are great to her as well. It goes both ways.

This made me smile -- thanks for posting, PP. I'm close to my two grown sons (as well as my teen DD); the oldest, who's in med school, just got engaged to his GF of several years -- she's lovely and fun and smart. DH and I have a good relationship with her, and I hope we'll continue to enjoy her friendship, as they build a life and family together. With all our kids, as they've gotten older, we've been very conscious of respecting their independence. Like your MIL, if we're asked for advice or help, we're there for our kids, but we tread very lightly. Mostly, we listen and show interest in their lives and friends as we would with our own peers. We also learn from them and ask for their opinions and advice -- that's actually one of the really fun things about having older kids.

I'm glad! (this is PP). Her mother in law used to say to her, and she now says to me, "you're doing a great job." It's sort of become a joke, but every time we leave each other (we live far apart) she takes my face in her hands and says it. It's extremely kind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I read the other thread and as a mom of three boys, it totally depressed me. It's like "don't tell them what you're thinking and defer to daughter in law." Anyone else feel this way?

Remember that, assuming you had kids in your 30s, and your kids have kids in their 30's, you will not be dealing with this until you are 70 years old! Try to focus on the time you have with your boys now, teach them to respect you and all others, help them build their confidence, encourage them to find their passion. In the meantime, work on developing relationships with your own friends, independent of your kids. When you are 70 and retired you do not want to be the Mom who hangs around your kids all day - regardless of your children's sex!

This is the PP who is slightly depressed....great perspective. I guess I always expected a relationship with my kids that I have with my mom (and many of my girlfriends have with their moms)...we talk almost every day, work through problems together and also vent. I suppose a relationship between a woman and man (even if mother and son) will always be different than one between a woman and woman.

But the reminder that we have a long time ahead of us before this possible change is helpful to remember to enjoy the present and not to be so burdened by life not turning out the way it was expected to...

Thanks