I dated a guy years ago in college who I suspected was on the spectrum, once I knew what it was. He had the superiority complex, thought himself brilliant and above moral reproach. He also was slovenly, physically rocked back and forth, and was prone to violent outbursts. I got our of there as soon as I realized something wasn't right. Incredibly controlling. He ended up dating another friend of mine and when I tried to tell her about the issues I had, he had convinced her that I was the problem (I was no gem at the time myself). She dated him for 5 years and I regret never telling her the real problem I had: he hit me.

My point is, OP, if you have ANYTHING like that, get out, spectrum or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-DH. It was a significant problem in our relationship. He believes that he has a monopoly on reason and being right, really can't understand others' perspectives. My needs were only legitimate to the extent he could directly relate. If he deemed a request or need as something he didn't approve of, I was out of luck. He has lots of emotions but difficulty processing them. Emotionally he's a child only will never grow up. The bottom line is that it's a lot like living with a total narcissist. This became especially apparent after we had children.

Could you explain the difference between Narcissist and Aspergers? I am genuinely curious - dealing with someone who I strongly believe has NPD but I also have found resources on Aspergers that indicate the same thing.

I don't think it's like living with a narcissist, at least not with DH. He lacks empathy for sure. And he definitely likes things to be the way he likes them. But he's reasonable and his mannerisms aren't attention seeking. He's perfectly happy to be left alone as long as he has his own way. He also doesn't lie, and in my experience people with narcissistic tendencies lie a lot.

It's funny though. We were watching Big Bang Theory the other night and I was thinking how Sheldon-like he is. I can't remember what episode we watched, but whatever the situation was, Sheldon compromised or apologized or in some way admitted he was wrong. DH said he was disappointed in the writing of the show sometimes. I asked what he meant and he said there's no way he'd have given in as easily as Sheldon did and he couldn't believe they wrote him acting like such a pushover

That sounds terrible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-DH. It was a significant problem in our relationship. He believes that he has a monopoly on reason and being right, really can't understand others' perspectives. My needs were only legitimate to the extent he could directly relate. If he deemed a request or need as something he didn't approve of, I was out of luck. He has lots of emotions but difficulty processing them. Emotionally he's a child only will never grow up. The bottom line is that it's a lot like living with a total narcissist. This became especially apparent after we had children.

Could you explain the difference between Narcissist and Aspergers? I am genuinely curious - dealing with someone who I strongly believe has NPD but I also have found resources on Aspergers that indicate the same thing.

I don't think it's like living with a narcissist, at least not with DH. He lacks empathy for sure. And he definitely likes things to be the way he likes them. But he's reasonable and his mannerisms aren't attention seeking. He's perfectly happy to be left alone as long as he has his own way. He also doesn't lie, and in my experience people with narcissistic tendencies lie a lot.

It's funny though. We were watching Big Bang Theory the other night and I was thinking how Sheldon-like he is. I can't remember what episode we watched, but whatever the situation was, Sheldon compromised or apologized or in some way admitted he was wrong. DH said he was disappointed in the writing of the show sometimes. I asked what he meant and he said there's no way he'd have given in as easily as Sheldon did and he couldn't believe they wrote him acting like such a pushover

Anonymous wrote:My ex-DH. It was a significant problem in our relationship. He believes that he has a monopoly on reason and being right, really can't understand others' perspectives. My needs were only legitimate to the extent he could directly relate. If he deemed a request or need as something he didn't approve of, I was out of luck. He has lots of emotions but difficulty processing them. Emotionally he's a child only will never grow up. The bottom line is that it's a lot like living with a total narcissist. This became especially apparent after we had children.

Could you explain the difference between Narcissist and Aspergers? I am genuinely curious - dealing with someone who I strongly believe has NPD but I also have found resources on Aspergers that indicate the same thing.

See what these people went through to get adult diagnosis:

http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/03/27/471600733/when-an-autism-diagnosis-comes-in-adulthood

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my DH has Aspergers. Can't communicate unless it's about one of his few interests. Can't express emotions or make eye contact. Doesn't understand humor, gestures, or reading between the lines. Emotionally immature and blames everything on me. I'm not sure how to get him help.

Im not sure how you (or anyone) ends up with someone with such severe aspergers. There had to be something good about him while you dated?

I think my DH was able to pretend he was more normal in the beginning, and now he just doesn't care. His family also pretends he's normal or has not figured it out.

Is there a support group for wives of Asperger husbands? How do you get them diagnosed as adults? My DH has been in therapy but he doesn't talk about it and it doesn't seem to have helped much. My marriage is pretty bleak, but I don't want the kids stuck with him half the time without me.

I'm married to one, and it's excruciatingly lonely. Biggest regret of my life, even though we have three kids. At least one is also on the spectrum. I am a special-needs wife as well as a special-needs mom, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my DH has Aspergers. Can't communicate unless it's about one of his few interests. Can't express emotions or make eye contact. Doesn't understand humor, gestures, or reading between the lines. Emotionally immature and blames everything on me. I'm not sure how to get him help.

Im not sure how you (or anyone) ends up with someone with such severe aspergers. There had to be something good about him while you dated?

My father is definitely on the spectrum, but due to when and where he was born, he was just considered a prodigy (a quirky and difficult one). My parents were raised in a traditional (foreign) culture and married after a short long-distance courtship. I have more empathy for my father now that I understand why my childhood was so miserable, but I would not recommend anyone knowingly chose this path for themselves or their children. My mother, due to religious and cultural expectations, stayed with my father and they have been married for 40 years. She has never once been right, never once gotten her way. They were a terrible match, and perhaps someone better suited would not have had as many disagreements with my father. But it would still be a challenge (putting it generously) to be married to someone like him.

Anonymous wrote:I think my DH has Aspergers. Can't communicate unless it's about one of his few interests. Can't express emotions or make eye contact. Doesn't understand humor, gestures, or reading between the lines. Emotionally immature and blames everything on me. I'm not sure how to get him help.

Im not sure how you (or anyone) ends up with someone with such severe aspergers. There had to be something good about him while you dated?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why, OP? Do you think partner has it? I recently began thinking mine might have a mild case: he's also a know-it-all, inflexible, takes a long time to do tasks that others do quickly (bc he has routines/procedures), meticulous about how he keeps his stuff, he gets angry when we use his things and don't put them back properly (stapler), not terribly affectionate or warm, although he DOES have a great sense of humor and is funny. He's not a barrel of misery but he just has "his way" of doing things and is quite critical of people who don't meet his standards.

Nothing about that sounds like Aspergers. Not every personality quirk requires a diagnosis.

This absolutely does, but I agree with you, not necessary to diagnose everything.

Anonymous wrote:Why, OP? Do you think partner has it? I recently began thinking mine might have a mild case: he's also a know-it-all, inflexible, takes a long time to do tasks that others do quickly (bc he has routines/procedures), meticulous about how he keeps his stuff, he gets angry when we use his things and don't put them back properly (stapler), not terribly affectionate or warm, although he DOES have a great sense of humor and is funny. He's not a barrel of misery but he just has "his way" of doing things and is quite critical of people who don't meet his standards.

Nothing about that sounds like Aspergers. Not every personality quirk requires a diagnosis.

Why, OP? Do you think partner has it? I recently began thinking mine might have a mild case: he's also a know-it-all, inflexible, takes a long time to do tasks that others do quickly (bc he has routines/procedures), meticulous about how he keeps his stuff, he gets angry when we use his things and don't put them back properly (stapler), not terribly affectionate or warm, although he DOES have a great sense of humor and is funny. He's not a barrel of misery but he just has "his way" of doing things and is quite critical of people who don't meet his standards.

Anonymous wrote:An interesting article on the matter:

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/03/18/an-experimental-autism-treatment-cost-me-my-marriage/

+1

An interesting article on the matter:

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/03/18/an-experimental-autism-treatment-cost-me-my-marriage/

Anonymous wrote:I think my DH has Aspergers. Can't communicate unless it's about one of his few interests. Can't express emotions or make eye contact. Doesn't understand humor, gestures, or reading between the lines. Emotionally immature and blames everything on me. I'm not sure how to get him help.

You are married to the same man as I am, it sounds like.