I would send a congratulatory card with a check in it closer to the event, not in the reply card (hint - don't wait until Fri night to run to CVS or the grocery store to get the card, because they will have run out).

I'm in an inter-faith family, and no way would I compare my niece and nephews confirmation in first or second grade (where they are all dressed up as brides and grooms - I get the bride of Christ thing, but still find it creepy) or even the one when they were 14 15 16? To our kids Bar Mitzvahs. Showing up/dressing up and accepting the sacrament (younger), and listening to the bishop screaming about not having premarital sex (older) is not the same as learning to read from the Torah, in a different language, with different letters, and running an entire service in front of family and friends. Those who think it's a money grab, are clearly not Jewish. It has nothing to do with the money, and all about how proud you are of your child/relative for learning amd doing all this at age 13. I have a large family, my husband has a large family too. So, the Bar Mitavahs we held were huge (and the only ones husbands family had ever been to, including all the nieces and nephews from Texas who all went to Catholic School). Believe me, I wish they didn't have to be so big, but that's what big families do. What the kids got in $$ was about 1/4 of what we spent (and they weren't fancy/formal, just large) so if it was all about $$ we wouldn't of had one and could have just saved that money.

Confirmation can be a big milestone depending on the demonination. The orthodox and Lutheran do it different from Catholics and babtists

If you do not know the family or the kid, then it is polite to not attend. Sounds like they invited you because of a sense of obligation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly there are those here who do not understand the purpose and meaning of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah (maybe those organizing Events, maybe just those in attendance who don't understand, not sure). These kids have been going to religious school since kindergarten or first grade, working on Hebrew for several years, and are leading a service in a house of worship. They work their tails off, as 13 year olds, and I have been to many, have planned two, and I'm always brought to the point of tears at the services as the kids demonstrate their knowledge.

Some families, like mine, are large. The family expects a party, so you throw one. It's not a gift grab, it's a life cycle event, for the entire family comes together to celebrate, and honor, this young person who has completed this enormous task.

Christians have confirmation, same lengthy deal - no huge parties for that.

Wait a minute. Are you implying that different faiths have different traditions? I'm not sure I understand...

No, but I had a Jewish family question whether a Confirmation was as big a milestone life event as a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. I responded that a Confirmation is a Sacrament.

Confirmation is important, of course, but it is very different from a bar mitzvah. The Jewish child actually leads the entire Saturday service (or at least half of it), mostly in Hebrew. It involves learning to read a language with a different alphabet, learning the chant for the service, and delivering a speech about the meaning of the portion of the Torah the student learned and read. It is a lot of work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly there are those here who do not understand the purpose and meaning of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah (maybe those organizing Events, maybe just those in attendance who don't understand, not sure). These kids have been going to religious school since kindergarten or first grade, working on Hebrew for several years, and are leading a service in a house of worship. They work their tails off, as 13 year olds, and I have been to many, have planned two, and I'm always brought to the point of tears at the services as the kids demonstrate their knowledge.

Some families, like mine, are large. The family expects a party, so you throw one. It's not a gift grab, it's a life cycle event, for the entire family comes together to celebrate, and honor, this young person who has completed this enormous task.

Christians have confirmation, same lengthy deal - no huge parties for that.

Wait a minute. Are you implying that different faiths have different traditions? I'm not sure I understand...

No, but I had a Jewish family question whether a Confirmation was as big a milestone life event as a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. I responded that a Confirmation is a Sacrament.

Anonymous wrote:If you aren't attending a bar mitzvah, do you sent the gift at the same time you are replying to the event?

You can, or you can wait. But I wouldn't tuck a check into a reply card. I would send a separate card or letter of congratulations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly there are those here who do not understand the purpose and meaning of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah (maybe those organizing Events, maybe just those in attendance who don't understand, not sure). These kids have been going to religious school since kindergarten or first grade, working on Hebrew for several years, and are leading a service in a house of worship. They work their tails off, as 13 year olds, and I have been to many, have planned two, and I'm always brought to the point of tears at the services as the kids demonstrate their knowledge.

Some families, like mine, are large. The family expects a party, so you throw one. It's not a gift grab, it's a life cycle event, for the entire family comes together to celebrate, and honor, this young person who has completed this enormous task.

Christians have confirmation, same lengthy deal - no huge parties for that.

Wait a minute. Are you implying that different faiths have different traditions? I'm not sure I understand...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to ask it, but are these events just a gift grab? Inviting business colleagues the child has never met who don’t even share the same faith seems like it’s reaching pretty far. Clearly having you at the event is not personally meaningful for the child, so are they just casting a wide net for some other purpose?

I believe it is more the family making a name for itself. The time to show off wealth is wedding and this.

It's called being inclusive. If you are invited to an event you do not wish to attend, and you do not wish to give a gift, then don't. But if I were able to afford a large event I wouldn't exclude a work friend because he was of a different faith. And the whole family is invited because it is a family event. The Bar Mitzvah will invite his friends' the parents will invite theirs.

Just because life cycle traditions are vulgar cash grabs in your circle doesn't mean every one else sees them this way.

If you aren't attending a bar mitzvah, do you sent the gift at the same time you are replying to the event?

Anonymous wrote:Clearly there are those here who do not understand the purpose and meaning of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah (maybe those organizing Events, maybe just those in attendance who don't understand, not sure). These kids have been going to religious school since kindergarten or first grade, working on Hebrew for several years, and are leading a service in a house of worship. They work their tails off, as 13 year olds, and I have been to many, have planned two, and I'm always brought to the point of tears at the services as the kids demonstrate their knowledge.

Some families, like mine, are large. The family expects a party, so you throw one. It's not a gift grab, it's a life cycle event, for the entire family comes together to celebrate, and honor, this young person who has completed this enormous task.

Christians have confirmation, same lengthy deal - no huge parties for that.

Anonymous wrote:Clearly there are those here who do not understand the purpose and meaning of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah (maybe those organizing Events, maybe just those in attendance who don't understand, not sure). These kids have been going to religious school since kindergarten or first grade, working on Hebrew for several years, and are leading a service in a house of worship. They work their tails off, as 13 year olds, and I have been to many, have planned two, and I'm always brought to the point of tears at the services as the kids demonstrate their knowledge.

Some families, like mine, are large. The family expects a party, so you throw one. It's not a gift grab, it's a life cycle event, for the entire family comes together to celebrate, and honor, this young person who has completed this enormous task.

I've been to one Bat Mitzvah and it was really touching. The mother was my classmate at college (she was a later bloomer ) and I remember her crying from happiness. The party was low key and the emphasis was on the young person's accomplishment rather than gift giving. It was a nice experience. I am a Christian, btw.

Clearly there are those here who do not understand the purpose and meaning of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah (maybe those organizing Events, maybe just those in attendance who don't understand, not sure). These kids have been going to religious school since kindergarten or first grade, working on Hebrew for several years, and are leading a service in a house of worship. They work their tails off, as 13 year olds, and I have been to many, have planned two, and I'm always brought to the point of tears at the services as the kids demonstrate their knowledge.

Some families, like mine, are large. The family expects a party, so you throw one. It's not a gift grab, it's a life cycle event, for the entire family comes together to celebrate, and honor, this young person who has completed this enormous task.

Anonymous wrote:Another Jew, here to prove that if you ask two Jews, you will get three opinions. For an acquaintance relationship, gift or no gift is extremely optional. Personally, I'd send a small gift if you have a relationship with the kid, otherwise, I'd skip. Trust me, no one will notice or care if you don't send one.

The $18 thing personally drives me nuts on this board. It's a bid of Jewish numerology superstition that people do our of tradition or for good luck. Reading this board, you'd think it was a major faux pas to give a $20 iTunes card.

+1

I would send a charitable donation in the kid's name. Frequently there is a bar mitzvah charitable project that goes along with their year of prep, so you could donate to that, or a charity that fits with the family, like an animal rescue if they have a pet, etc.

Anonymous wrote:I hate to ask it, but are these events just a gift grab? Inviting business colleagues the child has never met who don’t even share the same faith seems like it’s reaching pretty far. Clearly having you at the event is not personally meaningful for the child, so are they just casting a wide net for some other purpose?

I believe it is more the family making a name for itself. The time to show off wealth is wedding and this.

I hate to ask it, but are these events just a gift grab? Inviting business colleagues the child has never met who don’t even share the same faith seems like it’s reaching pretty far. Clearly having you at the event is not personally meaningful for the child, so are they just casting a wide net for some other purpose?