Anonymous
Post 03/24/2016 21:46     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
Anonymous wrote:Parent of a 6 yo here.

I would do 1 or 3 (leaning to 1 -- it's good for kids to see compassion and forgiveness and to learn that they can redeem themselves!). I would NOT do 2. "Forgetting" about it seems much more like not following through than explicitly stating that you have deliberately diminished for good behavior.


+1
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2016 15:11     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
Anonymous wrote:I disagree with pp. your son is going to call you worse things than stupid over the course of childhood and the teen years.



NOT TRUE at all. AT ALL. If you allow your kids to disrespect you they will, of course. For example, if you make excuses for them when they are six and call you "stupid."
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2016 09:09     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I disagree with pp. your son is going to call you worse things than stupid over the course of childhood and the teen years.



Maybe. Maybe not.

A lot depends on how these things are handled early on. If you expect/tolerate it now, it's only going to get worse. If you make it clear - every single time - in words and deeds that "we do not talk to each other that way in our family," you have a better chance of having a kind and respectful home down the line.

Also, "stupid" is about the worst insult a six year old knows. At least I hope so. Just because older kids can come up with worse names doesn't mean You should tolerate a six year old calling his parent "stupid".

OP: see the punishment through to the end.



I still think the punishment was too harsh. I also have a kid who is not inclined to cooperate, and who can be very difficult. He rarely calls names, but that's because he gets no reaction when he does it. When I react to things, he does them more often. If I took away a toy for a week for small things like this (in the scheme of things, it's small), we would be well on our way to a spiral of negative attention because out of sight isn't always out of mind, and the behavior would escalate. It sounds like it worked for OP, but it wouldn't work for all kids.


Yes, I can see that. The "right" response and consequence really does depend on the individual kid. I can see how things would only spiral down in your case. Ignoring it from the start makes more sense.

And I do agree that a week is too long. Good learning for next time. But follow through and consistency are key. It's one thing to admit immediately after you over-reacted and made a mistake by saying a week. I think that models thoughtfulness and how to correct a mistake rather than backing yourself into a corner. But only if it's soon after.

We've learned that whole "earning back" a privilege thing is a disaster in our house. Our version of "spiraling down" came at this point - a million annoying variations of "have I done enough to get it back now?" and eventually, a dismissive, "It's ok. I can earn it back later" when we took something away for bad behavior. Oops. I see how we were totally undermining ourselves. So no more earning back in our house.

We do give positive feedback for improved behavior ("I noticed that you tried hard to be respectful, even though you were frustrated. Thanks!" Or a simple, "Wow. I appreciate that you said that so nicely. Thanks!"), but we now stay the course on consequences. YMMV.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2016 09:01     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PPs. Interesting that most everyone thought it was too long. DS called me stupid. That seems like a really big deal to me, and I don't want it to happen again. Usually, he will lose something for a day, but this seemed like a bigger deal. Am I too sensitive?


A week's punishment for a 6-year-old for calling you stupid? What are you going to do when he does something really bad?


Yup this is pretty small and 6yr olds don't have a fully developed concept of time. And yes... your kid will do worse things in the future. They all do. It is part of growing up. And a 6yr old should still feel bad when he knows he has disappointed you (13 yr old - not so much).
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2016 08:53     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I disagree with pp. your son is going to call you worse things than stupid over the course of childhood and the teen years.



Maybe. Maybe not.

A lot depends on how these things are handled early on. If you expect/tolerate it now, it's only going to get worse. If you make it clear - every single time - in words and deeds that "we do not talk to each other that way in our family," you have a better chance of having a kind and respectful home down the line.

Also, "stupid" is about the worst insult a six year old knows. At least I hope so. Just because older kids can come up with worse names doesn't mean You should tolerate a six year old calling his parent "stupid".

OP: see the punishment through to the end.



I still think the punishment was too harsh. I also have a kid who is not inclined to cooperate, and who can be very difficult. He rarely calls names, but that's because he gets no reaction when he does it. When I react to things, he does them more often. If I took away a toy for a week for small things like this (in the scheme of things, it's small), we would be well on our way to a spiral of negative attention because out of sight isn't always out of mind, and the behavior would escalate. It sounds like it worked for OP, but it wouldn't work for all kids.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2016 20:58     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I disagree with pp. your son is going to call you worse things than stupid over the course of childhood and the teen years.



Maybe. Maybe not.

A lot depends on how these things are handled early on. If you expect/tolerate it now, it's only going to get worse. If you make it clear - every single time - in words and deeds that "we do not talk to each other that way in our family," you have a better chance of having a kind and respectful home down the line.

Also, "stupid" is about the worst insult a six year old knows. At least I hope so. Just because older kids can come up with worse names doesn't mean You should tolerate a six year old calling his parent "stupid".

OP: see the punishment through to the end.



I still think the punishment was too harsh. I also have a kid who is not inclined to cooperate, and who can be very difficult. He rarely calls names, but that's because he gets no reaction when he does it. When I react to things, he does them more often. If I took away a toy for a week for small things like this (in the scheme of things, it's small), we would be well on our way to a spiral of negative attention because out of sight isn't always out of mind, and the behavior would escalate. It sounds like it worked for OP, but it wouldn't work for all kids.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2016 11:21     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
My DH is the blow-his-top, major-punishment, then fold-within-hours type. I am the quiet broil, then make punishment that I stick through to the end. I believe mine is more effective long run.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2016 11:12     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PPs. Interesting that most everyone thought it was too long. DS called me stupid. That seems like a really big deal to me, and I don't want it to happen again. Usually, he will lose something for a day, but this seemed like a bigger deal. Am I too sensitive?


A week's punishment for a 6-year-old for calling you stupid? What are you going to do when he does something really bad?

Anonymous
Post 03/21/2016 11:10     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
I think a week is too long, but that you should see the punishment through. Inconsistent parenting is one of the biggest mistakes you can make for a kid.

But there should be some teaching going on here too. Much more effective in stopping the behavior. Why did he call you a name? Was he angry? Go over with him how he can more appropriately express anger. If big feelings were the cause, he needs to learn how to manage them well. That's the long game, IMO.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2016 10:24     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
3. Be consistent, unless it's humanly impossible.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2016 08:28     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I disagree with pp. your son is going to call you worse things than stupid over the course of childhood and the teen years.



Maybe. Maybe not.

A lot depends on how these things are handled early on. If you expect/tolerate it now, it's only going to get worse. If you make it clear - every single time - in words and deeds that "we do not talk to each other that way in our family," you have a better chance of having a kind and respectful home down the line.

Also, "stupid" is about the worst insult a six year old knows. At least I hope so. Just because older kids can come up with worse names doesn't mean You should tolerate a six year old calling his parent "stupid".

OP: see the punishment through to the end.



Also, if you "forget" and go with two, you risk giving him reason to think you are indeed "stupid" because you can't keep track of the punishment. That obviously would not serve you well.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2016 08:22     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
Anonymous wrote:I disagree with pp. your son is going to call you worse things than stupid over the course of childhood and the teen years.



Maybe. Maybe not.

A lot depends on how these things are handled early on. If you expect/tolerate it now, it's only going to get worse. If you make it clear - every single time - in words and deeds that "we do not talk to each other that way in our family," you have a better chance of having a kind and respectful home down the line.

Also, "stupid" is about the worst insult a six year old knows. At least I hope so. Just because older kids can come up with worse names doesn't mean You should tolerate a six year old calling his parent "stupid".

OP: see the punishment through to the end.

Anonymous
Post 03/20/2016 21:37     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
Anonymous wrote:Either 1 or 3. Make an explicit end to it. But a week seems really long for a six year old.


1 would be fine, 3 would be fine. But 2 is teaching kid to sneak and hope you don't get caught.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2016 21:22     Subject: Seeing punishments through to the end?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PPs. Interesting that most everyone thought it was too long. DS called me stupid. That seems like a really big deal to me, and I don't want it to happen again. Usually, he will lose something for a day, but this seemed like a bigger deal. Am I too sensitive?


Honestly, I can see why took the stand you did. Better to hammer down on that level of disrespect. In that case, absolutely do not bend. Stick it out the week.


Based on the "crime," I'd actively review the next couple of days. (How many days until X-day? I know you've learned your lesson. That was a really hurtful word. I accept your apology.) However you handle it. This is a big deal and kudos to you guys for holding out this long. It is a very big deal.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2016 21:20     Subject: Re:Seeing punishments through to the end?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you should stick with number 3, but a week seems really long for a 6 year old so I would give more reasonable punishments in the future.


This. A week punishment for a 6 year old is LONG.


I just gave my 4.5 year old a week long punishment. The punishment fit the crime. It finally made an impact on him whereas the 1-2 day punishments did not.