Anonymous
Post 03/17/2016 09:58     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
OP, I had responded earlier, but I'll also say the recent PPs are on to something - the grandparents probably want to be fair if they're subsidizing the others. My dad noticed that I was the only child who he hadn't bought a car for, and before I had even noticed that myself, he offered, somewhat insistently, to pay off our car loan for the one we had just purchased. He previously had asked a lot of questions about the car, the loan, and our insurance, and I had been vague about the details until I realized what he was trying to get at.

I see on both sides of my family resentment over what is perceived to be unfair assistance to adult siblings. Whether it was truly unfair or not isn't so important as the fact that the perception of it soured relationships between the siblings. My parents are trying to avoid instigating that dynamic among us.
Anonymous
Post 03/17/2016 09:56     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
I would assume that they ask from loving interest, and not pure nosiness. It doesn't mean you have to tell them anything private. It's just dropping your end of the rope in this.

Given this additional information about DH's sister, it's quite possible your FIL is trying to suss out whether he can change his estate plans to provide more to your SIL/her kids? I know families vary on this, and my own parents divvied their estate among their children equally. But I would be shocked if my ILs do that, because my DH is a biglaw partner and his only sibling works in a small nonprofit. We both imagine that she will inherit the bulk of their estate.
Anonymous
Post 03/17/2016 09:16     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound very young, PP. When you get older, and your kids are grown, you'll see that you're always carefully walking a thin line, where you have natural curiosity and care about your grown-ass kids, while trying not to pry or make them think you're questioning or criticizing them. Sometimes you will ask them questions that they feel are none of your business. That's why adults need to know how to gracefully brush off all questions from their parents that they don't want to answer, and not get all bent out of shape over it.


And that's what OP is asking for.

Anyway, the offering to pay for things makes me suspect that they are bailing out/subsidizing a sibling and are wanting to even things up. Similar dynamic with my inlaws and I've seen it in other families too. I've also seen the miserably toxic sort--beg to set up a 529 or pay for a child's tuition, then grumble to all the relatives about how they are being taken advantage of. Doesn't sound like the latter here, thankfully.


OP here. I had not thought of that, but it makes a ton of sense. DH's sister and her wife are "Berkeley free spirits," if you will. I strongly suspect they get subsidies from both sets of parents. We don't care about that or expect to get "in-kind" support. But this DOES make sense. Thanks!
Anonymous
Post 03/17/2016 09:09     Subject: Re:How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
OP some people's conversational style is to ask questions. many questions. You will hurt their feelings if you come right out and say MYOB! Just be very vague. We like the carpet. We're doing fine. Lots of non responses here. Dont give out more and more info.
Anonymous
Post 03/17/2016 09:00     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
Anonymous wrote:You sound very young, PP. When you get older, and your kids are grown, you'll see that you're always carefully walking a thin line, where you have natural curiosity and care about your grown-ass kids, while trying not to pry or make them think you're questioning or criticizing them. Sometimes you will ask them questions that they feel are none of your business. That's why adults need to know how to gracefully brush off all questions from their parents that they don't want to answer, and not get all bent out of shape over it.


And that's what OP is asking for.

Anyway, the offering to pay for things makes me suspect that they are bailing out/subsidizing a sibling and are wanting to even things up. Similar dynamic with my inlaws and I've seen it in other families too. I've also seen the miserably toxic sort--beg to set up a 529 or pay for a child's tuition, then grumble to all the relatives about how they are being taken advantage of. Doesn't sound like the latter here, thankfully.
Anonymous
Post 03/17/2016 08:44     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
Anonymous wrote:You sound very young, PP. When you get older, and your kids are grown, you'll see that you're always carefully walking a thin line, where you have natural curiosity and care about your grown-ass kids, while trying not to pry or make them think you're questioning or criticizing them. Sometimes you will ask them questions that they feel are none of your business. That's why adults need to know how to gracefully brush off all questions from their parents that they don't want to answer, and not get all bent out of shape over it.


I will know the difference between "Larla, you've set up a retirement account and are contributing, right?" when she is 25 and "Larla, how much is in your retirement account?" when she is 40.

See the difference?
Anonymous
Post 03/17/2016 00:36     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
You sound very young, PP. When you get older, and your kids are grown, you'll see that you're always carefully walking a thin line, where you have natural curiosity and care about your grown-ass kids, while trying not to pry or make them think you're questioning or criticizing them. Sometimes you will ask them questions that they feel are none of your business. That's why adults need to know how to gracefully brush off all questions from their parents that they don't want to answer, and not get all bent out of shape over it.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 15:44     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
Anonymous wrote:Why do you feel so defensive, OP? Do you feel they're infantilizing you by asking you about these things? If everyone is pretty cool, and you all get along well and feel comfortable together, and no one has a personality disorder, then they're just taking a loving interest in you, and feeling you're all a part of each others' lives, as a family of adults.

It's up to you, as an adult, to set your boundaries on what you want to disclose or discuss. You do that by pleasantly brushing off those questions with vague answers and a change of subject.


NP. I don't think OP is being "defensive" for wanting people (even relatives) to mind their own business, especially as she and her husband are clearly standing on their own and are very responsible/mature. It would be one thing if they were a very young couple just starting out, in their early 20s. It would be another thing if they were still borrowing/accepting money from Ma and Pa. But they aren't. They are grown-ass adults who seem to be doing quite well for themselves.

Expressions of care, support, pride and we-are-here-for-you-if-you-need-us are welcome. Nosy, MYOB questions and remarks are not. See the difference?
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 15:37     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
Anonymous wrote:Ouch! I am praying I am not THAT mother. My son has been working full time for about 10 months. He lives out of town. I have asked a few times about budgeting, saving etc and he is very hesitate to give specific information-he simply says he's okay. He did allow me to complete his tax return(mainly because the W2 came to my house). Should I back off? I do not have any access to his accounts.


NOR SHOULD YOU HAVE ACCESS TO HIS ACCOUNTS. If he is over the age of 18--and especially if he is older than 21/25--yes, you need to back off, AND HOW. He will involve you as much as he wants to. He will ask you for help if he needs/wants it. Say you're there for him, you're proud of him, and that you will always be there if he needs help or to talk through a problem/concern/question.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 14:58     Subject: Re:How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
Anonymous wrote:Just remember, you only have to give them the information you want. Even if they keep asking, you don't have to give exact answers.

If they don't take the hint, you can come out and tell them that you aren't going to give them numbers, so they might as well stop asking.

For the little nitpicking details, just tell them that you are taking care of the details and that they shouldn't worry about because you have it under control. Lather, rinse, repeat.

At some point in all conversations just keep repeating this answer: "Don't worry about it. We've got it under control."
If they ask more questions, keep repeating the same answer. They can't force you to divulge more information than you want. They can burn their entire visit with the kids and grandkids getting this answer 587 times if they want.

I suppose you could change it to "Don't worry about it. We've got it under control. Are you sure that you don't want to spend some time with Larla before you have to leave?"


hmmmm.... I have parents and in laws who don't give a damn about how we are doing, and totally mind their own business. when i read this, my reaction is, that they must be proud of you, and want to express that through affirmations.

I actually wish we had this level of concern sometimes. I am sure it is annoying to you, but I honestly would love someone who cared in this way vs making assumptions, snide remarks, and sticking to their cold as ice lack of regard for our well being.

it is a lot to manage, and they are just impressed with you. enjoy it if you can.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 14:49     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ouch! I am praying I am not THAT mother. My son has been working full time for about 10 months. He lives out of town. I have asked a few times about budgeting, saving etc and he is very hesitate to give specific information-he simply says he's okay. He did allow me to complete his tax return(mainly because the W2 came to my house). Should I back off? I do not have any access to his accounts.


NP lurker here. You should teach your child how to do his own taxes and basic budgeting and savings strategies. You can do this without inquiring about his current budgeting and savings. People take classes in budgets and financial savings all the time without having to reveal their personal assets.


If he says that he is ok, trust that he is ok. And for heaven's sake, send him his W-2 so *he* can do his own taxes.

Congratulations, you've raised an adult! Now let him be an adult!
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 14:35     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
I'd start with having several funny, and non serious, responses:

- just 'cuz we can
- to aggravate everyone else
- that's just how we roll (this, in particular, often flummoxes older generations

And I'd ramp up from there:
- because this is what we decided
- because this works for us
- Just because
- This is how we do it and it works fine for us. Thx for worrying but if we need help we'll ask you for it.
- This is what we've decided. How about those Bruins?


Etc...

Lots of non-responses. Initially funny and light-hearted. Increasingly pointed if there is zero awareness.

If all of that fails then it's "You know Dick and Jane/Mom and Dad, we really are doing very well. If we want or need advice you can be sure you will be among the first we ask, but we're good. I'd love to talk about something else. How about those Bruins?!"
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 13:57     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ouch! I am praying I am not THAT mother. My son has been working full time for about 10 months. He lives out of town. I have asked a few times about budgeting, saving etc and he is very hesitate to give specific information-he simply says he's okay. He did allow me to complete his tax return(mainly because the W2 came to my house). Should I back off? I do not have any access to his accounts.


NP lurker here. You should teach your child how to do his own taxes and basic budgeting and savings strategies. You can do this without inquiring about his current budgeting and savings. People take classes in budgets and financial savings all the time without having to reveal their personal assets.


Agree with this. I'm so glad my mom taught me how to do my taxes when I was 18. I thought it was some terrible undertaking because I watched her do my parents taxes for years! I didn't realize all the itemizing and whatnot wasn't necessary for a person my age who was single, no assets, just regular wage income.

If she hadn't taught me, I would have been too intimidated to try and would have been paying someone else to prep my taxes when I could have easily done it myself.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 13:34     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
Anonymous wrote:Ouch! I am praying I am not THAT mother. My son has been working full time for about 10 months. He lives out of town. I have asked a few times about budgeting, saving etc and he is very hesitate to give specific information-he simply says he's okay. He did allow me to complete his tax return(mainly because the W2 came to my house). Should I back off? I do not have any access to his accounts.


NP lurker here. You should teach your child how to do his own taxes and basic budgeting and savings strategies. You can do this without inquiring about his current budgeting and savings. People take classes in budgets and financial savings all the time without having to reveal their personal assets.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 13:26     Subject: How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?
Why do you feel so defensive, OP? Do you feel they're infantilizing you by asking you about these things? If everyone is pretty cool, and you all get along well and feel comfortable together, and no one has a personality disorder, then they're just taking a loving interest in you, and feeling you're all a part of each others' lives, as a family of adults.

It's up to you, as an adult, to set your boundaries on what you want to disclose or discuss. You do that by pleasantly brushing off those questions with vague answers and a change of subject.