Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 08:31     Subject: Annoyed with in-laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'd let your DH handle this pretty much 100%. You can be supportive when he does make plans with her by helping him get the kids there. Other than that, I'd take some huge steps back and let this fall as it will. If your DH wants to see her, he'll figure it out. If he doesn't care, or she doesn't care, then everyone can go about their lives.


I get what you are saying, and typically DH does make the plans, but 90% of the work isn't making the plans. It's getting things packed, driving out there with the kids (IL's live about three hours from my parents, so even when we were out visiting them, we still had to rent a car and drive several hours), all to get there and have her not be home and not available to see us. Or to call and cancel plans for breakfast after I already got the kids to bed in a cramped hotel room near their house. I took over and called the boyfriend because I thought maybe DH and his mom were just bad at communicating their plans. And then he accused me of never coming out to visit. Which kind of makes me wonder of she ever told him that we come and she cancels.


So your DH isn't handling it. If she flakes out last minute, start asking him to confirm a week out, and a day out. After one more last minute cancellation, I think I'd stop putting any effort into seeing her at all. She can come to you, but that's it. If she asks why, feel free to point out all the times she's flaked out on you. Better yet, have your DH have this conversation with her. No way in hell I'm packing up my kids to drive 3 hours and then get cancelled on unless it was an emergency. If this happens routinely, I'd stop making any effort to see her and I'd explain why.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 13:28     Subject: Annoyed with in-laws
Drop the rope, clearly she is just not that into you or her son.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 13:17     Subject: Annoyed with in-laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'd let your DH handle this pretty much 100%. You can be supportive when he does make plans with her by helping him get the kids there. Other than that, I'd take some huge steps back and let this fall as it will. If your DH wants to see her, he'll figure it out. If he doesn't care, or she doesn't care, then everyone can go about their lives.


I get what you are saying, and typically DH does make the plans, but 90% of the work isn't making the plans. It's getting things packed, driving out there with the kids (IL's live about three hours from my parents, so even when we were out visiting them, we still had to rent a car and drive several hours), all to get there and have her not be home and not available to see us. Or to call and cancel plans for breakfast after I already got the kids to bed in a cramped hotel room near their house. I took over and called the boyfriend because I thought maybe DH and his mom were just bad at communicating their plans. And then he accused me of never coming out to visit. Which kind of makes me wonder of she ever told him that we come and she cancels.


She probably doesn't tell the boyfriend the whole truth and he probably doesn't know the efforts you have made over the years. Who knows why. There could be all sorts of reasons. My MIL always spins the truth (or omits it entirely) because others' perception of her is more important to her than reality. It's far easier to blame others for situations instead of admitting the truth (which is that she is the flaky and uninterested one). Bottom line is that I would not make any further efforts with this woman unless something changes. Send a card for the wedding, leave it open for a visit if they want one, and be done. Not sure how old your kids are but at some point, they will catch on to all of this, and I'm not sure I'd want to continue to put my kids through that kind of disappointment when Grandma changes plans or doesn't show up.


Good plan. Thanks. And it doesn't bother my kids that much, but it kills my husband when his mom does this. I guess in my mind, my making an effort to visit his mom is something that I am doing to make him happy, but it really doesn't. I should just let it go.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 12:55     Subject: Annoyed with in-laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'd let your DH handle this pretty much 100%. You can be supportive when he does make plans with her by helping him get the kids there. Other than that, I'd take some huge steps back and let this fall as it will. If your DH wants to see her, he'll figure it out. If he doesn't care, or she doesn't care, then everyone can go about their lives.


I get what you are saying, and typically DH does make the plans, but 90% of the work isn't making the plans. It's getting things packed, driving out there with the kids (IL's live about three hours from my parents, so even when we were out visiting them, we still had to rent a car and drive several hours), all to get there and have her not be home and not available to see us. Or to call and cancel plans for breakfast after I already got the kids to bed in a cramped hotel room near their house. I took over and called the boyfriend because I thought maybe DH and his mom were just bad at communicating their plans. And then he accused me of never coming out to visit. Which kind of makes me wonder of she ever told him that we come and she cancels.


She probably doesn't tell the boyfriend the whole truth and he probably doesn't know the efforts you have made over the years. Who knows why. There could be all sorts of reasons. My MIL always spins the truth (or omits it entirely) because others' perception of her is more important to her than reality. It's far easier to blame others for situations instead of admitting the truth (which is that she is the flaky and uninterested one). Bottom line is that I would not make any further efforts with this woman unless something changes. Send a card for the wedding, leave it open for a visit if they want one, and be done. Not sure how old your kids are but at some point, they will catch on to all of this, and I'm not sure I'd want to continue to put my kids through that kind of disappointment when Grandma changes plans or doesn't show up.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 12:36     Subject: Annoyed with in-laws
OP you may need to just let the situation relax a bit. Be thankful that your MIL isn't intrusive and bossy with your time. The grass is always greener, but I would suggest just letting her take the lead on visits.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 12:30     Subject: Annoyed with in-laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Could the problem be going through you rather than her son (expectation of going through boyfriend is weird). Anyway it sounds like she wants to see you but doesn't want to host. Stop going out there with that expectation.


Actually, it was usually her and my husband making plans. But there were never any plans. So I thought it was my husband. So I tried. This stuff with the boyfriend is really a last ditch effort.

And you are right. Reading my post, it does sound like she doesn't really want us to visit her. I don't know why I keep trying. She just acts like she wants to see her grandkids more often, and she puts so much effort into coming out here.
Maybe I just wanted someone to tell me that it's okay to stop making the effort. Thanks internet stranger!


I've been married 20 years and my husband is generally not interested in getting together with his family. For many years, I tried to get everyone together and it never turned out well, so I've gotten to the point that I'm not making getting together with my husband's family more important to me than it is to him. It's just an exercise in frustration and ultimately, not my responsibility. I'm sad that there's not a better, closer, more loving relationship and it certainly isn't what I envisioned when we married, but there's freedom in accepting things are they are. We're not close. The end.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 12:13     Subject: Re:Annoyed with in-laws
Anonymous wrote:
It sounds like she just doesn't want to be bothered. Sad but maybe you need a reality check.


Is she a hoarder? Sounds like she doesn't want you to see her house. That doesn't explain why she can't see you for lunch at a restaurant, but if she flies to see the grandkids that means shse is interested.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 11:41     Subject: Annoyed with in-laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'd let your DH handle this pretty much 100%. You can be supportive when he does make plans with her by helping him get the kids there. Other than that, I'd take some huge steps back and let this fall as it will. If your DH wants to see her, he'll figure it out. If he doesn't care, or she doesn't care, then everyone can go about their lives.


I get what you are saying, and typically DH does make the plans, but 90% of the work isn't making the plans. It's getting things packed, driving out there with the kids (IL's live about three hours from my parents, so even when we were out visiting them, we still had to rent a car and drive several hours), all to get there and have her not be home and not available to see us. Or to call and cancel plans for breakfast after I already got the kids to bed in a cramped hotel room near their house. I took over and called the boyfriend because I thought maybe DH and his mom were just bad at communicating their plans. And then he accused me of never coming out to visit. Which kind of makes me wonder of she ever told him that we come and she cancels.


Wow, what a pain. I agree with letting DH handle scheduling any visits. If you have the new husband's contact info, confirm any future visits in emails to MIL, him, and DH. Follow up with texts the day before. If she's always been like this, there's nothing you can do. If it coincides with the new relationship in her life, then maybe it will work itself out. However, if she stands you up again, I'd wouldn't bother trying to coordinate future visits. Let her come to you. You've done your due diligence.


+1

unbelievable