Anonymous
03/09/2016 16:02
Subject: Re:Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here:
I really hate that my sibling really F's me over with all their changes in holiday plans. They change plans on my parents and all of a sudden they are banging down my door.
This has happened several times now. In fact, one year, when I was first married, my sibling changed plans for Christmas - deciding to go to the inlaws instead. I already had made plans to have my inlaws down for Christmas that year, knowing that my parents would already have plans. My parents literally asked me to cancel on my inlaws, so they could come instead, so they wouldn't be alone for Christmas....
It's stuff like this that makes me want to book a vacation away for every major holiday.
woooooooaaaaaaaaaa
first and foremost -- I pray that your health gets better and better.
2nd thing - don't be a hater because your sibling lives their life the way they want. If they want to change plans at the last minute, they have that perogative. That does not mean you have to host your parents. You are enabling. That is your choice. Make a different choice.
Your parents are grown ass people, let them live with grown ass choices and respect their grown ass kids.
P.S.
OP: KICK CANCER IN THE ASS!!!!!!
THIS
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:59
Subject: Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
OP - your sibling is being very selfish bringing all this up now in March, to your mom (who they know is anxious about this stuff) when you are dealing with cancer treatments. I would tell them to eff off.
But since you are nice, I would tell them all to plan their holidays around what works best for them. You will not be making any decisions about a holiday in November until your cancer treatments are finished. End of story!
If your mom or dad starts freaking out tell them you can't talk about it and will not be discussing it - your health is your priority right now.
But since you are nice, I would tell them all to plan their holidays around what works best for them. You will not be making any decisions about a holiday in November until your cancer treatments are finished. End of story!
If your mom or dad starts freaking out tell them you can't talk about it and will not be discussing it - your health is your priority right now.
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:58
Subject: Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
Anonymous wrote:"Dad, I'm focused on the cancer and more immediate concerns right now. Of course, if we have Thanksgiving here, you're invited as always. But if Mom needs to have a plan in place right now, you should go ahead and make arrangements."
Right, but add:
"And frankly, Dad, I'm disappointed that you aren't protecting me from this kind of unnecessary planning right now. I'd appreciate it if you'd let me focus on my health by running family interference for me right now."
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:54
Subject: Re:Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
Anonymous wrote:OP here:
I really hate that my sibling really F's me over with all their changes in holiday plans. They change plans on my parents and all of a sudden they are banging down my door.
This has happened several times now. In fact, one year, when I was first married, my sibling changed plans for Christmas - deciding to go to the inlaws instead. I already had made plans to have my inlaws down for Christmas that year, knowing that my parents would already have plans. My parents literally asked me to cancel on my inlaws, so they could come instead, so they wouldn't be alone for Christmas....
It's stuff like this that makes me want to book a vacation away for every major holiday.
woooooooaaaaaaaaaa
first and foremost -- I pray that your health gets better and better.
2nd thing - don't be a hater because your sibling lives their life the way they want. If they want to change plans at the last minute, they have that perogative. That does not mean you have to host your parents. You are enabling. That is your choice. Make a different choice.
Your parents are grown ass people, let them live with grown ass choices and respect their grown ass kids.
P.S.
OP: KICK CANCER IN THE ASS!!!!!!
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:54
Subject: Re:Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
Anonymous wrote:OP here:
I suspected that this was coming up do to something with my sibling and turns out I was right.
Sibling and spouse live near our parents. We live several hours drive away. Sibling alternates years going to their in-laws home for Thanksgiving (in another state, they need to fly to get there). Last year they were supposed to go to the in-laws, so I invited our parents down to be with us for Thanksgiving. Sibling and spouse then ended up changing their plans and stayed home for Thanksgiving by themselves.
So here we are, sibling must have brought up to our parents that they are going to their in-laws for Thanksgiving this Fall (why are we talking about this now??) and BAM, I get a text trying to get me to lock in my plans for this coming Thanksgiving.
BTW- I have in-laws too and we too try to alternate holidays. So with having my parents last year, I'm sure my husband is going to want to invite his parents this year. I've tried inviting both families to come at the same time, but they don't like one another and it's difficult/tense. They can barely hold it together and be pleasant to one another for one day to celebrate our DS's birthday. It's really annoying to see 60/70-somethings behave like children.
Anyway - I know what's coming. If I chose not to entertain the conversation right now I'll get the whole, "we need to be able to make our plans" and "you're going to make us wait not knowing if we will be alone for Thanksgiving" and "you need to respect/appreciate our need to get this worked out (to reduce Mom's anxiety)"
For the love of Pete....
I am not trying to be unsympathetic, OP. I certainly empathize with the craziness of your life right now. But this truly doesn't need to be a problem!
The answer to this:
I know what's coming. If I chose not to entertain the conversation right now I'll get the whole, "we need to be able to make our plans" and "you're going to make us wait not knowing if we will be alone for Thanksgiving" and "you need to respect/appreciate our need to get this worked out (to reduce Mom's anxiety)"
Is this:
If you need to nail down your plans, you should make them without me because I don't know what I'll be doing yet. Let me know what you decide!
And remember that it's not your responsibility to 'make sure they aren't alone' at thanksgiving. Don't they have each other? They can't send you on a guilt trip unless you let them.
You really do have some power here (over your own emotions/response).
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:47
Subject: Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's also a coping mechanism rooted in deep denial or reality.
what is?
Completely ignoring their daughter's cancer among other things.
If I don't recognize the issue, the issue doesn't exist.
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:41
Subject: Re:Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
Anonymous wrote:OP here:
I really hate that my sibling really F's me over with all their changes in holiday plans. They change plans on my parents and all of a sudden they are banging down my door.
This has happened several times now. In fact, one year, when I was first married, my sibling changed plans for Christmas - deciding to go to the inlaws instead. I already had made plans to have my inlaws down for Christmas that year, knowing that my parents would already have plans. My parents literally asked me to cancel on my inlaws, so they could come instead, so they wouldn't be alone for Christmas....
It's stuff like this that makes me want to book a vacation away for every major holiday.
Don't put this on your sibling, unless he changes his mind last minute every single time.
It's your mother's fault for overreacting and putting her needs above others.
You see how she manages to put you at odds with your sibling? Don't fall for it. Classic maneuver, my mother does this all the time.
And a PP had it right - why exactly do you care so much that she gets angry? Let it go. You don't have to live with her, your father does, and he chose this eyes wide open. He gets to suffer, not you. Let her be angry. Go ahead and take care of just yourself. It's your only life, and it's hanging by a thread.
Been there, done that.
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:33
Subject: Re:Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
OP here:
I really hate that my sibling really F's me over with all their changes in holiday plans. They change plans on my parents and all of a sudden they are banging down my door.
This has happened several times now. In fact, one year, when I was first married, my sibling changed plans for Christmas - deciding to go to the inlaws instead. I already had made plans to have my inlaws down for Christmas that year, knowing that my parents would already have plans. My parents literally asked me to cancel on my inlaws, so they could come instead, so they wouldn't be alone for Christmas....
It's stuff like this that makes me want to book a vacation away for every major holiday.
I really hate that my sibling really F's me over with all their changes in holiday plans. They change plans on my parents and all of a sudden they are banging down my door.
This has happened several times now. In fact, one year, when I was first married, my sibling changed plans for Christmas - deciding to go to the inlaws instead. I already had made plans to have my inlaws down for Christmas that year, knowing that my parents would already have plans. My parents literally asked me to cancel on my inlaws, so they could come instead, so they wouldn't be alone for Christmas....
It's stuff like this that makes me want to book a vacation away for every major holiday.
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:27
Subject: Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
OP, just tell them to proceed as if you might be dead because this stress combined with your CANCER is surely going to kill you.
That'll give her something to be anxious about.
That'll give her something to be anxious about.
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:25
Subject: Re:Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
OP here:
My parents live about 5 hours drive away.
If they come for Thanksgiving, its not just for the day. They will arrive on Wednesday and not leave until Sunday.
My parents live about 5 hours drive away.
If they come for Thanksgiving, its not just for the day. They will arrive on Wednesday and not leave until Sunday.
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:22
Subject: Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
Does she live local? Suggest a restaurant. Done.
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:22
Subject: Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
Anonymous wrote:It's also a coping mechanism rooted in deep denial or reality.
what is?
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:21
Subject: Re:Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
OP here:
I suspected that this was coming up do to something with my sibling and turns out I was right.
Sibling and spouse live near our parents. We live several hours drive away. Sibling alternates years going to their in-laws home for Thanksgiving (in another state, they need to fly to get there). Last year they were supposed to go to the in-laws, so I invited our parents down to be with us for Thanksgiving. Sibling and spouse then ended up changing their plans and stayed home for Thanksgiving by themselves.
So here we are, sibling must have brought up to our parents that they are going to their in-laws for Thanksgiving this Fall (why are we talking about this now??) and BAM, I get a text trying to get me to lock in my plans for this coming Thanksgiving.
BTW- I have in-laws too and we too try to alternate holidays. So with having my parents last year, I'm sure my husband is going to want to invite his parents this year. I've tried inviting both families to come at the same time, but they don't like one another and it's difficult/tense. They can barely hold it together and be pleasant to one another for one day to celebrate our DS's birthday. It's really annoying to see 60/70-somethings behave like children.
Anyway - I know what's coming. If I chose not to entertain the conversation right now I'll get the whole, "we need to be able to make our plans" and "you're going to make us wait not knowing if we will be alone for Thanksgiving" and "you need to respect/appreciate our need to get this worked out (to reduce Mom's anxiety)"
For the love of Pete....
I suspected that this was coming up do to something with my sibling and turns out I was right.
Sibling and spouse live near our parents. We live several hours drive away. Sibling alternates years going to their in-laws home for Thanksgiving (in another state, they need to fly to get there). Last year they were supposed to go to the in-laws, so I invited our parents down to be with us for Thanksgiving. Sibling and spouse then ended up changing their plans and stayed home for Thanksgiving by themselves.
So here we are, sibling must have brought up to our parents that they are going to their in-laws for Thanksgiving this Fall (why are we talking about this now??) and BAM, I get a text trying to get me to lock in my plans for this coming Thanksgiving.
BTW- I have in-laws too and we too try to alternate holidays. So with having my parents last year, I'm sure my husband is going to want to invite his parents this year. I've tried inviting both families to come at the same time, but they don't like one another and it's difficult/tense. They can barely hold it together and be pleasant to one another for one day to celebrate our DS's birthday. It's really annoying to see 60/70-somethings behave like children.
Anyway - I know what's coming. If I chose not to entertain the conversation right now I'll get the whole, "we need to be able to make our plans" and "you're going to make us wait not knowing if we will be alone for Thanksgiving" and "you need to respect/appreciate our need to get this worked out (to reduce Mom's anxiety)"
For the love of Pete....
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:13
Subject: Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
It's also a coping mechanism rooted in deep denial or reality.
Anonymous
03/09/2016 15:11
Subject: Mother's Anxiety and Holidays
There must be a lot more to the backstory here. I see that you have a ton going on, but I don't know why you can't just text back: I have NO idea yet. and let it be. You said this would happen:
"I will be accused of not accommodating my Mom's need to plan for this holiday and told that I'm the only one who doesn't plan this far ahead for things like this."
To which you can respond that they are right! You are not accommodating your mom's need to plan (nor should you) and who cares if you are or are not the only one who doesn't plan this far ahead.
"I will be accused of not accommodating my Mom's need to plan for this holiday and told that I'm the only one who doesn't plan this far ahead for things like this."
To which you can respond that they are right! You are not accommodating your mom's need to plan (nor should you) and who cares if you are or are not the only one who doesn't plan this far ahead.